"I've been such a fool, Vassili. Man will always be a man. There is no new man. We tried so hard to create a society that was equal, where there'd be nothing to envy your neighbour. But there's always something to envy. A smile, a friendship, something you don't have and want to appropriate. In this world, even a Soviet one, there will always be rich and poor. Rich in gifts, poor in gifts. Rich in love, poor in love."

Now for some weight exercises, a cuppa tea and some sandwiches and a nice Jason Bourne film to calm me down.

I live nowhere. No, I literally live in nowhere. This place is nothing to me, this bed is nothing to me, these people are nothing to me. I sit at the table and try to block out the world. It has all become like dust to me. Every ounce of anger, bitter disgust and loneliness, helplessness and that god-awful uselessness I feel bounces off my bedroom walls and soaks into my matress like pillows taking punches. It's all canned up in here. There is only one person in this entire city that means something to me. And when she's gone, it's one of those restless nights. I have to go somwhere, I have to. But if I go somewhere, I have a feeling that place will all mean nothing unless she's there as well.

At least I have an end in sight. It's three months away and I can almost feel the ocean breeze of freedom on my skin. But now I'm stuck in this nowhere land with nothing pouring out of my fingers.

Especially me, because I look at my kitten and life just seems so wonderful for her.

I'm feeling rather depressed, because I haven't been keeping up with my assignment deadlines - I just might fail stupid Biology, and that would make my lovely teacher so mad. I have no incentive in any of my studies, and my guitar skills are at a standstill. I have no cash at all because I have no time for a job with all this endless studying. I haven't been able to concentrate on my exercise plan, I have no time for writing poetry or anything at all really and on top of it all it's getting even harder to find time for my friends and social life. I guess it's just not been a good month for me. My personal life is crumbling into a deadpan routine of procrastination and fruitless labour. I have less than four months until graduation, which will be the first time in several years that I will be able to really relax and spend time by myself. But even after the holidays I'll have the stress of deciding what to do next....

Man, life, when did you become something to stress about instead of enjoy? Fuck pressure and people who want you to be something that you're not. Fuck perfection and all this fast-paced shite. I want to be a cat. There's no stress over being perfect and successful and talented when you're a cat. You're just like, hey I'm a lazy, furry cat, I have a litterbox, a food bowl and a chase toy and the rest of the world is my oyster. My talent is sleeping cutely and making people happy, and at night when the humans are asleep I can chill out with the neighbourhood cats like it's a Saturday evening. Cuz it's always Saturday for the cat who knows where it's at.