Sometimes they say that all things really are not what they turn out to be. In the last little while, I am slowly starting to see that maybe my ex-girlfriend was never the person I thought she made herself out to be. For the longest time I figured I was the one to blame and I deserved to be the lightning rod of criticism for what I did. I felt like I used her out of comfort to deal with my own personal needs at the time. I was a total mess following a family tragedy and since I wasn't thinking too clearly, I figured a relationship would solve everything and for the longest time I felt guilty. Well, like the Turning Point segment of the ESPN Sports Centre. I finally was able to let go of the guilt and remorse I had about the situation after having a talk with my sister. When I told her about how I felt responsible for what had happened, she said to me, just flip the situation around and see where the truth really lies. After she told me that, it totally made a lot more sense that she was the truly selfish one. The more I played it over in my head, I saw it all. It was increasingly clear that she may have allowed the relationship to be about me but if we would have gotten more serious it would have been all about her. It was increasingly obvious that she never could quite fit in with my way of life and large social circle and what was even more disheartening was the fact that she acts like nothing ever happened between us and I was more so a regret. It became increasingly clear that she was selfish when she rebuffed any apology I tried to make and tried to pawn off everything like it was all fine and dandy every time I saw her. Back in January, I finally had enough of the charade and I called her on it. I know we are not on the greatest of terms and I tried to give her a reason for forgiveness and in typical form, I got rebuffed and was told to not look at it that way. I didn't buy it one bit and of course after looking at it, I can see we would have never been able to gel and it was only a flash in the pan relationship and we were only together for all the wrong reasons. After having the talk with my sister and seeing it from her perspective and realizing she was right, a big weight was lifted off my shoulders and I don't feel guilty about what had happened now because I realized that I didn't do anything wrong like I had thought I did for so long.

As the year winds down to the final hours, I just want to take the time and reflect on what 2011 brought for me. The year started off pretty slow the first few days, before making a road trip down to Regina for a special Ukrainian Christmas. Well, it was not the traditional one with the kasha and such, but it ended up with presents. I ended up getting a new computer out of it, which was needed since I had to go four months having to share one with the people I was living with. Around February, things at the house were starting to go down and I was slowly getting tired of the environment there and around that time, I found out an old buddy of mine was looking for another roommate and since I was looking at trying to find a place on the east side, it was a golden opportunity, especially since most of my buddies all live within the same vicinity so it all worked out for the better. Just when everything was slowly beginning to come together, I was delivered a crushing blow when I found out my grandfather who I was pretty close to passed away. I was a whole shell of mixed emotions as I wasn't too sure how to handle things and it was a rough go. Luckily, my big morale booster was seeing the Vancouver Canucks make a charge to the Stanley Cup Finals. During the Nashville series, I began talking to a girl on POF and everything was going good and by the start of the San Jose series, we were starting to get to know each other in person. During this time period, I got to meet one of my good friends now, and we were casual acquaintances and shortly after my grandpa died, we started hanging out a lot and we somehow managed to stay out until 6 in the morning. Near the end of the May long weekend was a day where I could say that I scored myself a hat trick. I had the day off work and I was watching the Canucks play the Sharks in what would have been the clinching game and the girl I was kinda seeing at the time decided she would come and watch the second overtime with me and sure enough, we watched Kevin Bieksa slap the puck in the back of the net and sent the Canucks to the Stanley Cup Finals. Our relationship was awesome to say the least. We did so much together in such a short period of time, such as she came to my parents house to celebrate my birthday, I went to her parents 30th wedding anniversary, we went out for drinks with each other's friends and celebrated our one month together at Red Lobster. As the old saying goes however, some things don't last forever and after a month and a half together, it was over. The heartbreak really was just beginning when there was rumors going around about me getting some other girl pregnant, which turned out to be entirely false....thank God!!!. Around this time too, my one friend decided to fill the void and in the beginning, it wasn't too bad but as time progressed, it was becoming painstakingly clear she had an agenda to try and trap me into a relationship and a marriage I didn't ever want to be a part of. I walked away from that situation before it got to become reality. Afterwards I spent the last few months of the year trying to slowly piece together and I am still trying to do that. It was definately a trying year on my part, but I'm just hoping for good things to happen in 2012. New Year's is like the clinching championship game as the final bell sounds, the players gather in the middle of the stadium to celebrate, while the coach heads back to the locker room to quietly reflect on the past year. That is me right now.

Well today wasn't a good day. As I had wrote in my last couple entries that things with my ex were rough. Well there was something that was a lot deeper then that then nobody, not even her knew I was and still am going through as we speak which had happened. Before we met back in May, a few weeks back in April, I had to deal with the death of my grandfather and it was a huge blow. It was just when things were starting to look up. At the time, I was starting to work on bettering myself. I had moved and I just started working on a list of 50 things I wanted to do throughout the course of the year - just google The Harder Chronicles for those of you who want to start following and then, a week and a half after moving and settling into my new place, I got the phone call that sent everything into motion. Upon hearing that my grandfather died, I was like glass. I just did not know how to come to terms with it. I did cry and grieve in spurts, but never was actually able to release how I was actually feeling at the time. I remember the days after the death, I was listening to Emerson Drive's When I See You Again over and over again as a way to cope. After we said goodbye, I carried on with my life and thought I would be able to handle it. Around this time was when I met my girlfriend and everything was beginning to turn around at the time. After a month, we broke up and I will say that it is definately the toughest breakup that I ever had to endure. Shortly afterwards, my friend entered the picture and it was nice to have some company and we started to hang out a lot and in the last few weeks, it has become totally too much. Although she agreed that we are friends, she totally acts like she is my wife and it is starting to become extremely uncomfortable. Last Tuesday, I ran into my ex from two months ago and I had to clarify that this friend isn't my girlfriend. I get the impression that my ex thought I rebounded quickly because of the stuff my friend was doing. I just want to be able to sit down with my ex and tell her what I couldn't tell her when we were dating. I didn't know her well enough to tell her about the death and how it has affected me. I felt like I could not say anything about it at the time because we just met and I really didn't want to burden her with my shit. I also realized that I did not know her as well as I thought I did. I hope we can sit down and talk about things, cause I feel she has to know that I would like to make amends and re-establish some sort of friendship again cause she is a person I am afraid of losing right now. Right now, I'm still trying to find myself and find what it is that I am really looking for cause I am feeling incredibly broken right now.