Happy New Year! It is oficially New Years and I love how I'm not the only one awake anymore at 12. I just came back from watching the fireworks with my dad and my sister, and it was pretty cool. The only thing I hate about this day is that it just brings me a step closer to Middle School, and I most definitely do not want to go to Middle School. David Herr just phoned me to say Happy New Year, isn't that sweet? As I was saying, I don't want to go to Middle School, I'm probably going to fail the year, I barely passed Grade 6. I was thinking a lot today about The Prom that is going to happen in Matrick, and I was imagining people asking me, and people asking me to dance. I pictured the people who were going to ask me, and it was so nice. I watched the movie Rocky Horror Picture Show for the first time today, and that is one freaky movie. The end of it kind of confused me, when they kill frankenfirt... or whatever his name is, with the ray gun,a nd then they said that they were aliens? It's pretty confusing. I don't know, maybe I'm too young to understand it. For a person my age, I think I understand things pretty well, like things most people my age don't understand. Well, I wasn't doing much today, but my mom seems to think that I'm sad or something. Just because I'm quiet doesn't mean I'm sad, I really wish she wouldn't think that I was sad. Before my parents came home from the New Years party they went to, my sister and my granny and I were having a great time listening to my music and just chatting, it was fun. This was after Shirley had left, and I completely hate Shirley, she ruins everything for me. I don't even like to think about her let alone talk about her. Anyway, I just need to change the subject. I made an account for Youtube today, so I can now comment on the videos and like the videos and dislike the videos, I've always wanted to do that, even if I did lie about my age. I listened to the song "Wade in the Water" and I don't really know the meaning behind it. Apparently it has some great meaning with something to do with Africa and I really want to know what the story is, so I think I'm going to look it up. Oh wow, it's like, about the Israelites and how they escape from Egypt. It didn't really tell me the story behind it, but it did tell me some interesting stuff. Anyway, I got this sms from Kayla today, and it said something about a song, so I smsed her back and she said she had no idea what I was talking about. Anyway, I don't know what was going on with her. So I downloaded all of my Camp photos, and I looked at Deej's, i'm in it but it's not such a great photo of me, I ook so... Sad. Well, I think I'm going to head off to bed now, even though I am completely awake.

I woke up really early this morning by the need of having to go to the bathroom, but it was okay because I went straight back to sleep when I climbed back in bed and woke up nice and late once again. I started watching this scary movie today so I decided to stop and I got dressed because we were going to the aquarium. It was completely boring, but I did get to wear my awesome Jimi Hendrix shirt, and I did get to go to Musica, which was really awesome as well. I have just been chilling the whole day, and I watched another movie, The Princess and the Frog. For an animated movie, it's quite sweet. I finally finished my story on Pirates of the Crrabean. It's really not good, but I wrote about it so intensly because I have realised that is exactly what is happening to me. I don't know who I like yet, but lately I have been fantasising about someone I really like coming up to be and just kissing me. Of course this is in school, well, after school when nobody else is around, and it's just me there, and this person comes up to me and kisses me, of course it won't just be random for the person to do this, well, it would be but it would be because... well, maybe we had a bit of a fight that day, or maybe we were talking and he was talking about the person he likes and I wouldn't know who it was and then he kisses me, or something like that. But I don't want this kiss to be in grade 7, well, it can be as long as it's in the fourth term or something. The thing that bothers me about this whole kissing this, is that I don't know who the person is. I don't really like anybody at the moment, so I keep picturing this boy as many different people. It frustrates me so much! Well, I guess theres nothing I can really do about it. I'm really worrying about Grade 7, but like, seriously worrying. I don't want to move houses, I like staying here, it's so much nicer then any of the other places I have lived in after the Milnerton house. I really really really want to move to Parklands, it would make me so much happier, but what does my happiness mean to anyone? My sisters birthday is coming up, Ruth. The only thing that bothers me is that I have to go to Aaron Shers barmitzvah at the shul service on that day. At least Isabel will be there, we can have one of our great friendship talks, I'm sure it will be fun. I feel sorry for Ruth though, she has to spend her birthday there. I asked on Fanpop why I would take my dad's photo and put it in my room, and I got a reply that I think was quite true, because it gave me some type of connection with him, and I sure do love my dad. Well It's not officially morning (it;s like 12 now) so I'm off to bed.

I love this waking up and going to sleep rutine. Sleep late wake up late, I love it. Well, today everyone from camp have comeback, and it just remionds me more of Steve and Dave. It just bothers me that there is nothign I can do about it. Well, on the bright side, today wasn't completely boring. I learned a new song on guitar, you know, "something" by the Beatles, which reminds me, I watched this thing on youtube today about the Powerpuff girls and it was an episode called the Beat-alls. It was so funny! So today we were looking through all the baby photos and the photos of my mom and dad when they were young, and I came across thi one when my dad was about my age, or probably younger, but the point is, I took it, and put it in my room. I don't know why, and that is the thing that bothers me, why would I do such a thing? It really does make me wonder.I found out today that all of my Nan's sisters and brothers have died, I mean, how sad is that? Shame, she started crying today, I hate to see people cry. I found out that I'm going to the Aquarium tomorrow with Emily and my mom. I'm not really excited about it, I acrually hate the aquarium, for a person that is in love with the ocean, i find it surprising that I hate the Aquarium. What i'm looking forward to about tomorrow is that I'm going to the Big Musica in the Waterfront which is right next to the Aquarium, so that will be awesome, just to get some new CDs. I was really going to watch Titanic today, but I just... didn't. I don't know, i guess I just wasn't in the right mood for it. I just wrote a story on Fanfiction about Pirates of the Carrabean, and I don't think it's that bad. The only horrible thing is, I don't think many people will comment on it, people hardly ever comment on my stories, but it's not the end of the world. I'm so happy I got to wear my new ACDC shirt today, I really love it, and tomorrow I'm going to wear my Jimi Hendrix one. I have been playing the guitar a lot today, but I still don't think I'm really good. I have always fantasised about being in a band, but I just don't think I'm good enough. Today, well yesterday (it's like, 12 now) my sister asked what I wanted to be when I grow up, and I just couldn't answer her. I don't really know yet. I used to have my heart set on being an author and a photographer, but I'm not really good enough to do any of those things. I might as well just not do anything, I don't think I'm good enough to do any of it. Well, I'm off to bed now, I've been up writing stories for fanfiction this whole time.

I loved how I woke up nice and lat etoday, I think that would be the highlight of any day that I wake up late, I just love it so much. I had an amazing breakfast as well, waking up late and getting a great breakfast? Does it get any betteer? Eggs, toast and orange juice will just make my day, I love it, I don't knwo why, I just do and I always will. I went to see a movie today, "Megamind" and I really enjoyed it, I particularly liked the choice of music, it was mostly ACDC. What is it with people and animated movies? Why do they hate them so much? I really enjoy them, and then there are people like Teagan, who hate them. Speaking of Teagan, my parents keep bugging me, always asking me if I have spoken to Teagn yet, or if we have been keeping contact. Why Teagan anyway? It's not that I don't like her, it's just, she's not the best friend I have ever had, I mean, she's a great friend, she's and amazing friend, but there's just something about her, that kind of annoys me sometimes. The only girls I actually like in my grade is Isabel Raffaeli, Gina Kempen and Rachel Catzel. I did used to like Emma, she used to be an amazing friend, she used to be so cool and really nice, but she has just changed so much ever since camp. She has been swearing, and insulting people, and she just hasn't become nice, I actually told her she has changed, but she just takes it as a joke, and I like Kayla and all, but she just annoys me a lot too, even though she is my cousin. This is why I hang out with the boys a lot more, they are just so niceto their friends, sure, they will insult the people they don't like, or the people they don't care aobut, but when it comes to a dudes friend, they will just back them up no matter what, when girls will just stand back and go on with the crowd. Maybe it's not that though, I think I just have much more in common with the boys than I do the girls, which reminds me, I got these really awesome shirts today. One had ACDC Black Ice on it, and it's really cool, the other one had a picture of Jimi Hendrix on it, and its really cool as well. That is why I prefer to shop at Jay Jays, they have the clothes I am always looking for. While I was at Canal Walk I also got two Archie comics, and I sure do love my Archie comics. The bad part about my day today is when I was in the shower, and I was thinking again about camp. It upsets me each time I think about it because I just regret leaving, there, I said it. I regret leaving camp early, I knew i shouldn't have done it, but what did I do? I left anyway, because I'm just one of those stupid idiots that go completely against what they think is right. So now I've got the sadness inside me about camp, and lice. I have nits and they just annoy me to death! I just hate it when people see them, the whole time in camp I felt like I was about to cry because I just hate it when people comment on my hair when they see the nits, I just get so embarrased by it. I told my parents about the diabetes thing, I told them I think I had diabetes because I was usually thirsty and when I stood up I get a little dizzy sometimes and my eyes go black. I regret telling them that, it hardly ever happens anyway, and I should have just sucked it up and moved on with my life, it's really not serious. Well, as much more as I have to say, I think I'm gonna head off to bed now. Do I feel better about myself? No, but what does it matter? I'm better off just not saying anything and moving on with my life.

I think the highlight of my day today would be waking up nice and late this morning. Today was just so... boring! Well, the first half of my day was, I mean, my sisters and parents enjoyed it and stuff, but from the moment I heard it was a suggestion for an activity we were going to do today I immediately said no, you can even ask anyone who was in the room with me. When we got to the ostritch farm, it was just so awkward, but we got past that moment and we then went on with the tour. It didn't take as dreadfully long I hoped it wouldn't but it still wasn't the best 30 minutes of my life. It was all just so boring! The ostritches were named these ridiculously horrible names such as Lady Gaga, Chris Brown, Rhianna and Madonna. Well, at least lunch was good afterwards, I only had a bowl of chips but it was still fun. When we got home Benny and Zack were here, you know, the guys from London, anyway, I didn't spend much time with them, which is perfectly okay with me, because I personally hate them both. When they had left, I was just chilling at home with my family and... WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH MY DAD! He just decides to come over to me and look at what I am busy writing right now! URGH!!! What makes him think he can just look at what I am doing, it's my private stuff and... (sigh) I guess I was just too rude to him. I didn't mean to be, but I was just so angry at him right now, that's probably why people hat me, I'm just a horrible person. Well, I guess there's no changing that, is there? Anyway, where was I, oh right. So I was just happy to be listening to my music today when they had left, I've been really loving the songs "Another Brick in the Wall" and "All Along the Watchtower" those songs are just so amazing. I found out Isabel came home today from camp, which was one of the things that reminded me of how bad I feel about not saying goodbye to Steve and Dave. The other thing was watching Flight of the Concords on Youtube, I just feel like such an idiot, well, I am an idiot. I'm a rude, horrible, ugly, untalented idiot, and there is nothing that I can do about it. Well, sometimes that is just the way it has to be. I say those type of things to my friends, and they think that I say them to get attention, I'm really not, I actually do think those things, I just don't feel as great as I used to, maybe it's because the girls in my class have just been making me feel so bad about myself ever since Grade 4, but you know what, I'm glad they did, it just puts more of the truth into the world. I sure do love the song I'm listening to at the moment, "Come Together" by The Beatles. Well on the bright side, I had sloppy-jos for supper, and they were good. I was just thinking of the song I put on here last night, and how true it is. I have been through so much this year, love wise. I of course havn't ever been in love before, but I mean having crushes and liking people more than friends. I don't think I have a crush on anyone at the moment, I used to say that I will like someone if they like me, but I don't think that is very true. Everyone says that David Hendry likes me, but seriously likes me. They say he talks about me all the time, actually it was very funny 'cause Dylan Kesler said to me at camp " All that ever comes out of his mouth is "England England Sarah-jo England England England Sarah-jo Sarah-jo England sarah-jo Sarah-jo Sarah-jo" " Well, it was funny when he said it. The thing is, I don't like david in the same way he likes me, I would actually really like it if we were friends, but like best friends, I have always wanted to be best friends with Dylan, Kyle and David, and I would be part of their little group thing, oh ya, and Josh Podoa can be in there too. They are just so much fun and they are so funny and I enjoy hanging out with them. Anyway, I have written quite a lot here, and of course I have more to say, but I think I am just going to go to bed now, so... bye. ( I really hate journals and I'm surprised I'm using one, so if I act awkward, that is the reason)

I have been feeling quite worried, I'm not sure what is wrong with me. Today, practically each time I stood up, my eyes went all black so I couldn't see anything, and that usually happens to me and it hurts, but I'm not sure what it is. It worrys me, and I just don't know what to do about it. And i have also been feeling very horrible about my musical life. I don't think I am good, I feel like every one else who plays guitar in my grade is so much better than me, and the thought of me being in a band and being as good as the No Name Band is all just so crazy. I was thinking today about the song All Along the Watchtower, and I researched it and found out that it was actually written by Bob Dylan, so I listened to his version of the song, and it is nowhere near to as good as Chris de Burghs version. I have actually been thinking hard today about what I was going to write in todays journal, and I think I have come up with a perfect idea to express what I have been feeling today ( did cut out a few parts to make it shorter), so, here goes: Each morning I get up, I die a little Can't barely stand on my feet Take a look in the mirror and cry Lord what you're doing to me I have spent all my years in believing you But I just can't get no relief, Lord! Somebody, ooh somebody Can anybody find me - Somebody to love? I work I work till I ache my bones At the end I take home my hard earned pay all on my own I get down) on my knees And I start to pray Till the tears run down from my eyes, Lord! Somebody, ooh somebody! Can anybody find me - Somebody to loooooooove? Everyday And I try and I try and I try But everybody wants to put me down They say I'm goin' crazy They say I got a lot of water in my brain I got no common sense I got nobody left to believe Got no feel, I got no rhythm I just keep losing my beat) I'm ok, I'm alright I ain't gonna face no defeat I just gotta get out of this prison cell Some day I'm gonna be free find me somebody to love

I woke up late this morning just like I had hoped last night, and I remember having a weird dream, but i can never remember what my dreams are about anymore, I guess it's all just part of my unbelieveable stupidity. What does it matter, I don't deserve to be as smart as the other girls in my grade. I may not have the smarts, but I sure do have the good taste in music. That's all that really matters to me, and yes, I know that sounds really bad, but it's hard to concentrate on other things than this amazing song I'm listening to, "All along the watchtower" by Chris De Burgh. I love him, he sure is one amazing artist. Imagine if I was as succesful as him, that would be great, but you know, not all dreams come true. I really do want to be in a band, I think i could really be succesful and just have the best time of my life if I was in a band. At camp, it was the Shomrim talent show and there were three boys in Bonim (Bonim is only a year older then me, Shtillim) and they played guitar, they were called the No Name Band, they were amazing. I like to think that will happen with me, Dylan Kesler and David Hendry. Dylan would be the one on the left, the one who was best at playing his guitar, I would be the one who was in the middle, the one who was good at guitar as well and was also the singer and David would be the one on the right, who was also good at playing the guitar, well, he actually plays the bass guitar, but still, it would still work well. I have been watching Glee a lot, it's actually a very nice series, i especially like it when they play and sing really nice songs, my dad is even interested in it. I am seriously passionate about Titanic, the movie. The difference between Isabel and I is that she is interested about the facts of the ship, such as how big it was and stuff, but I'm more interested in the story behind it, you know, with the two people in love, and the survivers and the crash and the chemistry between the man and woman and when the man died and what happened to the woman afterwards. That probably makes me sound completely idiotic, I know that never happened with the same detail as they put in the movie, but I love the movie and I think it would be amazing if that actually did happen like that. That movie makes me look at the sea in a completely different way, I don't know what it is about it, it actually amazes me that I can love something with all my heart ( the sea) yet it still scares the crap out of me. I am terrified of the ocean, but there's something about it that I just love so much. Well, I dunno, anyway I'm not tired or anything, but I guess I like to go to bed when I'm not tired because it gives me a lot of time to think, I like thinking to myself (not that I can think to anyone else), so I think I'm going to go to bed now. Maybe I will have a nice dream, maybe I will have a nice thought, not that I deserve it.

I can't believe today, it was all just so long and so dramatic. I don't believe that I left camp, not because I enjoyed it there, but because I left without saying goodbye to the two coolest people i could ever know, and their names were Steve and Dave. They were the two coolest maddi's at Habonim, and i didn't even say goodbye to them, that is the only thing that makes me feel bad about this day, well, not the onlt thing, but it's definitely the most important, and I'll bet anyone would think I'm the worst person for thinking that after you know the rest of my day. After I left camp I come home after an hours drive to find my aunty and my cousins at the house I am living in, which is actually my granny's house, and they are here for Christmas Eve. My aunty, Shirley, is a complete and utter bitch!!! I really hate her, she just causes so much trouble in our family. When they had left after supper, Shirley's ex husband called to say something about something needing to be at his house, and Shirley hadn't brought it there ( I assume it was very important ) so her ex phoned my granny to tell Shirley, thinking that Shirley was still at our house. My granny had left to tell Shirley that she needed to take the something to her ex's house, but when she got there and knocked on the door, Shirley refused to open. After trying all she could, in the middle of walking back to her car my granny gets hit by a car. She came back to our (her) house with blood on her leg and foot, and it kind of scared me. I'm really unhappy about today, well, i guess it could be worse. I don't really deserve good days, do I? I went to camp, hoping to have fun with my friends, and I did, until everyone decided to leave, but it was fun non the less. I got the crappiest Christmas presents today, I got a watch that i wasn't able to tell the time on, I got a book called "The Three Muskateers" which I'm pretty sure used to belong to my little cousin, and I got a J-T, which I don't even wear anymore. Sometimes i feel like nobody really knows my personality, but what does it matter, I don't really deserve good presents, do I?