Mobile is not working well on this site. I tried three times to comment on a song with last cutting out on me and can't see anything going through or not. I'm emotionally exhausted but have to get my feelings out having no other venue. I didn't remember. I don't remember if I ever wondered or thought about much before? It always annoyed me how people would get so caught up with school days and not move on or live in today. I knew it wasn't the most pleasant of experiences for me and knew I pushed such things to far back corners of my mind where they could grow dust or disintegrate. If you just don't think about them they can't hurt you and eventually you can forget or even pretend it didn't happen. I don't really know why I chose to venture towards those dusty corners or what id expected to find. Like pandoras box I should have left well enough alone. I think curiousity at first. Also a bit of wistfullness and wanting to be able to connect with others at remembering old times. It was when I was trying to remember some of their names. My friends and acquaintances there. I had trouble with the names. Didn't think much about that? So much time had passed and this didn't strike me as possibly abnormal (I'm not sure whether it is). Then... God I STILL can't remember her name. Blonde hair. I remember I remembered before but should have written it down. Because I remembered I didn't think maybe I would forget later. I found the old group and looked at names thinking maybe it would jog my memory. Then there it was. A strange name. A brief flash in my head. Someone was on my bed. I was asking questions. I had trouble with his name. My roommate berated me for being rude. Was that it? More flashes. The dreams started. Fragments of memories. it disrupted my sleep. I recognized noone in the group but that name bugged me. A picture. I couldn't tell. It bothered me. I tried to figure out how does one approach a total stranger that might not be? Plus you aren't sure what to make of some memories. I went for the casual approach. No response. Maybe didn't get it or busy. Tried again. No response. In hindsight I should have stopped there. Old feelings of rejection not by him since not sure if him or what to make of it but the whole group in general. The outcast. Jesus even years later seemingly nice pleasant grown up mature adults except they won't acknowledge you. Some things never change. Again, I should have left it alone. I made up excuses for them. Busy. Like me. Grow up, leave past behind, probably don't know majority of these people and can make friends like you have with others. I didn't let things like this bother me. I was successfull and had a good life. I didn't get caught up with stupid things like this. But of course problem was I didn't know if I knew any of them or not. I wonder how many people know what that is like? That bothered me. And the dreams wouldn't go away. I dreamt when I was awake. Sleep deprivation was killing me. People around me knew I was stressed and not sleeping but I didn't tell them what was haunting me. I forgot I fell. I forgot. When trying to remember names I tried to remember timelines. When I got there. When I left. It was like walking into a black hole. I vaguely remembered some events with the girls. Run of the mill chats in rooms. Otherwise kept drawing blanks. The name. Who was sitting on my bed chatting with all of us? The tv. The hall. The temperature gauge. The laundry room. The stairs. The shower. Outside. A baseball. The elevator. Someone was angry with me. Turning around and crying into my pillow as someone walked out. The fall. The darkness. Afraid. Going in and out of my mind. A crushing sensation in my chest. Trouble breathing. Tired. Something wrong with my head.A few times I felt I was going to die while people just watched me. It got so cold.Then a hand and later eyes.

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