I was going to write on Coldplay's new stuff and Adele. But then I thought of this and Mariel. It was so good that my friend John who really knew me better than my many friends suggested I check this out (John has been accepted into a counseling practice, btw.). Mariel and I married on New Year's Day. I knew after being involved with others that she was unique to my soul. She has an innocence that no one has, even though she's as sexy as hell. When she's not into her own self, she's into me, no one else. Others cared more about the ones around them...wanted to impress my friends..who needs it? I can't imagine a life without her just gazing at me the way she does. Christmas I proposed; she agreed to marry on New Year's Day (kinda rough to pull off but it happened). It's our anniversary. She's impulsive and I'm not so it was a big step toward me changing. I am trying to make her happy now, something I haven't ever really done. We have our differences but who doesn't? She was the giver back then; now I try to do itfirst and it's crazy how little we disagree. Won't be writing in this journal anymore. Just want to give advice I received. Think about the guy or girl you left that stays in your mind. Why? If you've blamed them, really take time to think what caused your problems. I found that it was me...I wanted better but didn't know that I could had better if I gave as much as her. My friend John knew I had a selfish streak a mile wide that I didn't see. My partying friends wouldn't tell me. He did after I got back with Mariel. That was his advice. Don't blow it by being selfish...don't be proud, critical or petty. Do be giving, forgiving, and supportive...even of stupid ideas. Think about it people. How many people in a lifetime will offer you totally devoted love?

Mariel and i are back together. she's my dreamgirl...don't know why i ever tossed her away like i did back then...teen years are crazy. new years i'll ask her to marry me and she'll say yes...she never stopped loving me. so its all good, magical and straight into 2011. want to get a place together in the spring...i'll marry her whenever she wants..maybe new years day. unless something changes, i'm out of here from now on. like i said, it's all good.

all is good and will be great soon i hope regarding my relationship with Mariel. john broke our code of sacrifice (he, the phone and I , FB); he called and offered great advice. thanks again. we had a fantastic night, she canceled on her sunday date and is coming to San Francisco during this week. thanks for caring. i'll try to focus on songs in here from time to time but really need to work on our relationship so that i can propose to her within the year.

well, lots of talk. she needed to discuss everything i guess. it was fairly confusing and sad...there were times when i wanted to scream "enough i blew it i know." i just looked in those beautifully tortured eyes, saw that all this was caused by her love for us and then held her close, told her i was so sorry again and then again. i think we're making progress...its not the dizzying craven feeling of yesterday morning, but its deeper, more sculpted and taking shape. i like that now. i understand. will see her tomorrow and forever. am going to text her now and for as long as she'll allow. i want to call and talk but it may be too much just now...may at midnight..our special time...that and new years eve..new beginnings to us in our small way.

you said you'd check on my song comments over this week while you're away. know you phone's off for break but you need to call me right now. i blew it and want your advice. remember Mariel? saw her yesterday AM and she's still the one. the chemistry's through the roof. saw her after her family dinner at her apt. Immediately, we were back to our first dating days..couldn't keep our hands off eachother. When things became heavy though, her mind created problems...lots of questions about the past pain (when i dropped her and all that). I didn't realize the depth of insecurity i had created between us by past decisions. There were so many...i was only 17 and didn't know shit. i know by the way she spoke..and she was crying too..that it was serious. we talked for a few hours and i felt as if I'd ruined her life. i had been so critical back then, but didn't think it had been to the level she described. i think she's terrified of letting go...she let go for those few minutes and i know she feels it too. john, she really is the one. i knew it the instant i saw her for coffee yesterday. none of the desire's changed. i never feel so alive as when we kiss...it's different with her. i want us to be one but how do i convince her? also, she mentioned this guy from her agency...she said they're not serious yet, nothing's happened, but she has a third date with him Sunday. i need you now. i told her I'd canceled the family dinner plans to fly out and see her, and that i would stay at my motel. we ended the visit confused, kissing softly, sadly. help.

john, my savior. thank you. hustle bustle and so much muscle. cells about to separate and i find it hard to concentrate. will see her tonight...hearts about to palpitate and i'm not going to hesitate.

will see her in two hours.

my psych major college bro john suggested i join this because i'm our music monster. or so i thought. he's pretty clever (he's on his masters now, ahead of me by 2). i now realize it was because i needed to confront issues in my love life. i broke up a serious relationship (#4)last week. just wasn't feeling it. I reread what I've been writing and realize why. I just called my first ex from 4 years ago (kept in touch occasionally but not much). I'm flying to San Diego where she's at...we're going to meet tomorrow for awhile(seems she is still interested after all these years). can't believe this is happening. can first love be real enough over all this time? i dc anymore. i'll find out.