I love how now that when I write I black out and go on a huge rant. But yet the rant isn't always on paper. Or typed. It's within my own thoughts. That's the scary part. I start to remember past memories, events that I only wish to forget. Regretting every mistake that I have ever made. Regretting meeting people. But then it'll switch over to a happier time and i'll start to smile. But wait there's anothr part to it; I start remembering my childhood and it only makes me hate my father more. He made me like this. How I get attached to anyone I talk to for to long. I guess now I know when I need to go on my own. I do it a lot acctually. Just dropping everything and everyone to spend alone time in my room for a week or more at a time. I'll get text after text; call after call but yet I won't answer them. Maybe I like being alone? Maybe I like just remembering everything. But then why do i cry? Why do i go on these rampages and rants that can last for only seconds but have a lasting effect on not only people but the people around me when it happens.

so this might be the last blog post for awhile. Since I won't be in the computre at my school for much longer. Maybe two days at the most. So goodbye goodbye goodbye. Enjoy all your lame ass lives while I live mine to the fullest before my little squirt arives Love and stars.

I don't know anymore. I really don't know what I'm going to do if I get kicked out of my home (which will probably happen) i've been really stressing about a lot lately and i'm just not quite sure how much longer I can last. My mom does nothing but scream at me and stress me out, my sister is lazy as hell and I'm supposed to do all her chores plus my very own. And It's gonna get harder and harder I know it. I'm a strong person and I know i'm gonna stick this through till the very end. But what if I don't make it? I'll be a failure. I just don't know the answers to every question anymore.

So recently I've been thinking about baby names. I'm not exactly sure where I want to go with this, but I guess I should continue now that I have begun. Well i'm kind of scared how everything is going to turn out. Since my finace' is now avoiding speaking about the subject; probably because he knows its not going to get easier from here. He always tries to get me to talk about sex. Which I really don't want to do. I'm not sure if he's doing it because he hasn't gotten any in the past couple weeks or if its just so i'll change the subject. I wonder if he realizes how upsetting this makes me a lot of the time. It makes me feel as if he's not going to stick around much longer. He always gets angry at me if i say no. What should I do? I'll be alone in the world without him. All my friends are abondoning me. JR always tells me he loves me. But i'm not sure if its the lust thats blind sighting him. I've always been an overactive thinker; which makes me a little paranoid about things sometimes. That's probably why i'm writing this to completely no one hoping someone in the same situation i'm in would read it as well. I guess it would probably be comforting to know someone out there understands; since none of my friends support me. See my friend, Renee she wants me to get an abortion. As well as my mom as soon as she finds out i'm pregnant (which she'll be figuring out this month) I'm completely against abortions. That's not the baby's choice. And to give up something that's apart of me something that's supposed to be a gift just to make my family happy and keep a social life that's fucking pathetic. I would never do that! And as for adoption, if i'm going through that much pain over nine months and then the pain of giving birth i'd prefer to watch him or her grow along side of myself. Don't you agree? Wait who am i talking to? The voice in my head? What the fuck?! I'm nuts! I'm completely and utterly nuts! This can't be happening! I just addressed someone that probably will never read this journal entry as the noun you! There's deffinetly to much on my mind. I can't wait to be able to talk to someone about things....it would help me so much more.

Perryville High school. A pleasant place, when you fit in. When your considered normal. Me; I’m not considered normal there. See you have the jocks; typical meat headed people. They fit the very description everyone in society has set for them; they have no brains at all, all they do is talk sports or act like their all big and bad when they’ve never been in a fight once in their short lifetime. Those preppy girls that always to say like or um after every word they say; plus telling a story that could take five minutes for the rest of the world to tell, but when it comes to them it takes them an hour. Now there are the thespians. That’s someone who is in drama club; and wants to be an aspiring actor or actress. Their all wrapped up in who will be playing in the lead on the next broad way show; movie; whatever. Then you have the Goths, emo kids, and scene kids. Scene kids at this school are often known as scenies. Emo and Goth kids are often mistaken for each other. No, not all emo kids cut their wrists and cry about their lives; and also another stereotype for Goths is that they apparently all worship Satan. Yes a lot of them at this school fall under those two stereotypes just because they don’t know how to be themselves and just stick with something that seems to fit them. By the way Satanists are the ones who worship Satan, not gothic adolescent teenagers that have no idea where they are going with their lives. Now there are the scene kids. Everyone sees them as the ones who think to highly of themselves. The ‘scene kids’ have brought back the look of the 80’s. They tease their hair where skinny jeans that look like they would suffocate them, but hey the 80’s look isn’t to bad. People seem to think that ‘scene kids’ all have the ego the size of outer space. But yet look at them. I love how everyone seems to have the same views on each other. This is my high school. Do you get used to it? Yes. Do you essentially like it? Not to much. I guess you do if you fit in the first two catagories. But who am i to judge? No one. I don't have that given to me at birth. Nor does anyone else. So why do we set ourselves apart in high school cliques? and decide we'll hate anyone who wears pink or someone who wears a lot of black and listens to death metal. It's ridiculus! I'm sure we all do almost the same thing with our lives outside of school. So why seperate ourselves. I really believe we need a revolution in high school to demolish all this ridiculus behavior. But how to go about this you ask? I'm not quite sure.

Photographie d'amour fanee is french for faded love photography. This may come suprising to most people but yes, two fifeteen year old girls can be completely amazing at photography. We're trying to find some models; so if you're reading this and you live in the maryland area please reply to this, with your best photo and a description of what you look best in to give us some idea of what your capable of. I really haven't done any recent photoshoots for my computer is screwed up and i'm working only with a school computer (facebook isn't capaditable with school computer and a blocking system) Plus there is no card reader at the moment. I will be taking a photography course next semester which is rather exciting. Sadly my partner in crime (and photography) couldn't take it with me. But I shall deal with it. Until then, i'm assuming my photography plans are on hold.

The darkness grew thicker, completely wrapping around my petite body. I was following a man. He was roughly around nineteen, maybe twenty, but nineteen was even pushing it. I followed him for what felt like hour. But couldn’t have been more than minutes. The back of him was glowing a vibrant gold, while the front of his body was completely encased in the darkness. As if he knew I was there and had a plan for me. There was something in his hand. But I couldn’t exactly tell what the object was with the darkness thickening around it. Did he know I was following him? He couldn’t have, my foot steps were completely silent. I shut my eyes for a moment. I had felt a massive migraine beginning to emerge across my forehead, behind my eyes, and on my temples. I had stopped moving when I opened my eyes. When I did so he was in front of me, with one hand wrapped firmly around my throat. He probably did this so I couldn’t run and scream, and draw attention to him. Especially to the scene he was about to make. I felt the barrel of a gun pressed against my forehead, right between my eyes. He whispered in my ear “Don’t scream, don’t Struggle.” He pulled the trigger. Bang. I died instantly. No struggle, no screaming.

Well sitting here in this small class of mine has become a natural bore. I'm in a creative writing class. Hense the reason why I have written on this journal twice in the past hour. I love how everyone is so oblivious to each other. "It's like i'll do my work you'll do your work if you need anything ask someone. Otherwise don't speak to me." the teacher always leaves us alone to do our work on our own. Which is what I like. I hate teachers that are over baring and like to know every single word you put down on the paper before it's even near done. Especially when it's just your name. I have to finish my unit test in my fourth period class. -.-' this day is going to be a blur to me once the final bell rings. "Please ring please ring!" is all I can think about right now. Now i'm back on the subject of my pregnancy. I have come to realize your supposed to be gaining about a pound or two week. Well I have almost no money for lunch and my best friend, sister like person eats half my damn lunch! Well what can you do? You really can't say no to family. Well you can. Just like you can call your cousin a bitchette or whore if you'd like to. Without their father doing anything about it. Yes, my cousin said those things to me after I flipped out on her for flipping out on me and calling my fiance' trash. No one is going to call my finace' trash under my watch. Hell no. But when he told my dad and I told my dad, He never did a thing about it! even when he said I would! Everyone just bitched at me about it! How unfair is that? I'm the minor, i'm 15 years old. But yet I act more mature than someone who is about the age of 23 or 24 years old. Damn that's a shame. It makes me wonder how well she belittles herself in public. Well class is just about over but I guess I can continue writing until the bell rings to go to my next class. Biology. I generally like biology but I would prefer not to take it. But i'm happy you don't have to disect anything considering the fact that it's cruel and I love animals. Do you know where you get the frogs (and other animals) from?! THE SPCA! HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT! THE SPCA SELLS THE ANIMALS THEY KILL TO SCHOOLS SO WE CAN DISECT THEM! THATS SO FUCKED UP! that's why i'm not taking zoology. I'm against animal cruelty. Just like i'm against Mickey D's (Mcdonalds) for what they do to chickens before they kill them. Well class is ending in two minutes so it's time for me to say goodbye until tomorrow. I'll find a new topic to rant about soon enough! Bye Bye people of songmeanings.net

So recently I discovered that I am currently 7-8 weeks pregnant. I haven't been able to get to a doctor because of the fact that i have no insurance. I have no money. I've missed to periods but I haven't gotten a test. Me and my fiance' are currently attempting to find jobs. (That isn't going very well for me since i'm only 15 years old.) But whatever works i'll have no choice to do right? I'm trying to get a job at aresturant or pizza place considering your able to make good tips if you give good service. (which I will. My whole life i've been helping out at my friends' parents' resturant) So i'm pretty confident i'll get a job somewhere. I've also been babysitting a nine month old baby girl we call maddy. She's just the cutest little thing.i hope my baby turns out just as cute or cuter than her :] I'm reall excited even though once my mom finds out she'll probably kick me out. Which means me and my fiance' need to go find an apartment for us to go. I won't be dropping out of school. And I won't be ending my dreams to become a psycologist and hopefully a well known photographer. I know I know those things don't go hand in hand. But I love them both. They strike my intrests all to well. I'll probably do online high school for awhile until I can either graduate or find someone I can trust to babysit for me (this won't be my fiance's mom. She's such a bitch to me and her daughter as well. I'm not gonna risk it.) So I guess you can say i'm trying to plan everything I can out before my bundle of joy gets here. I can't wait to find out the gender. And when my due date is. I', assuming it will be sometime in june or july. I'm so excited. Well....i'm ending this journal entry. Maybe i'll write you all again soon.