And will you tell all your friends You've got your gun to my head? This all was only wishful thinkin' This all was only wishful thinkin' And will you tell all your friends You've got your gun to my head? This all was only wishful thinkin', This all was only wishful thinkin' Let's go...

I find it strange that i can share my inner most thoughts with a blank page and a million strangers, but i cant mention anything with my friends or family. I can think of only one reason this could be... rejection....

Welcome to your journal. This is a place for you to write whatever you like. What if everythingi am writing i really dont want to... i just cant stop myself....

I am constantly blaiming others for my actions. I know that this is what drives people away... and yet thats why i do it. I am fearfull of what may happen if i care for another... I lay awake at night sometimes... and play our song... our old song.. and to stop the crying i place a pillow over my waist and pretend its your comforting arm... Even thought we never touched i know that this is what you would do if you could see me in the condition i am in. I realize i do not type my thoughts publicly to get comfort from my readers... but i do it so i can look back at them and give pity to myself... I need to change... but how?

Sitting here prepaired to type the hollows of my heart... and yet nothing seems the same in words.... u must feel it or you will not know. I guess it isnt all bad but there isnt anything too great... I am living but am i surviving? Some people survive and do not live but that isnt the case with me. Its seems to impossible to do both at the same time. So i guess i wll continue to live and not survive or survive and not live... this game can only go on for so long... Are you living or are you surviving?

How can this be? That something so bad, something so HORRIBLE is now, in just a day, something of a memory. Swept out from under me. I am now in bliss. So why should i miss the ciaos that threatened me and my friends? How does this make scene that I wish for the hectic fear and pain that i have wished so hard for it to flee? But that is the way dangerous storms brew... Just when you think it is over... it rips your life apart... Taking everything I love and leaving me to be alone forever. Will i be happy then?

Ugh... I do not know what will come of the recent choices I have made. They are not effecting me yet, only the ones around me; and i feel that is worst... I can do nothing but reassure my loved ones that all will be well soon...