I really need one. However, it's freezing outside and I decided to wear a pencil skirt with thigh-highs. Before I sound ditzy, let me clarify that it was close to 70 degrees when I left for work. And no, I don't have the fucking Weather Channel or a nifty iPhone. I'm too poor for that. Why couldn't I be a trust-fund baby? Then again, why do I keep smoking cigarettes? Now I have three problems to deal with. I kind of like this journal business. No one knows about it and I can spout all sorts of nonsense from my fingertips. Poops and cocks. I pride on being able to entertain myself in this empty building. Well, off to commit a sluggish suicide, or perhaps frostbite.

I'm not a religious person by any means. In fact, the whole topic clouds my thinking patterns, and I don't like that at all. The one thing I remember my semi-religious grandmother telling me was the "Serenity Prayer." To accept the things I cannot change, have the courage to change the things I can, and have the wisdom to know the difference...or something to that affect. Simple as that may sound, I can't quite apply it to my every day difficulties. It seems the only way to attain "serenity" according to this prayer is to first go through a ton of turmoil. You wouldn't have the wisdom to know the difference between the first two unless you have countless experiences in which you were, well, dead wrong. That doesn't seem like something you should be praying for. "Please God, put me through some terrible experiences so that I may be closer to serenity!" I'm pretty sure those experiences will come along whether you are praying to someone for them or not. I'm going a little off-course from what is actually bothering me. Be forewarned, this isn't an exciting story about changing the world. This is actually a quite boring story of how to deal with people that I care about enough to have in my immediate life. Pretty selfish stuff, here. I'm dealing with a sensitive situation of being friends with two people that are in a bad relationship together. The female is self-absorbed, a tad controlling, and extremely emotional with one or two freak-out sessions a day(something that she attributes to her mother dying when she was only four). The male is also self-absorbed (as we all are), but to a point where he manipulates feelings and surroundings, has an underlying notion that he has everything figured out, and is a border-line insomniac (which means he has time to overthink just about everything). She's a painter. He's a musician. They both drink. You see where this is headed, right? Right. On to the positive things for a moment. The female has a great sense of humor, is creative, has a work ethic, loves to have fun (mainly to run away from whatever she's dealing with introspectively), and is a loyal companion to the male. The male has quite an ear for music, tends to not be too serious (a good and bad thing), and can have long conversations about anything you want to. It's easy to see why they once liked each other. Seeing the personalities clash, however, is a hard thing to witness. Seeing how much they hurt one another back and forth, day after day, makes me just as sad as they are. After the smoke clears, the only logical crying shoulder is my own. I want to help, I do. I just can't point the fingers that they want me to. I want to disappear from them entirely, but they would only rip each other into pieces with blame. Now I'm going back to the "Serenity Prayer". I don't have to accept what they're doing. They're turning themselves bitter and lonely for no reason other than stubborness. I could change things by forcing them to see themselves for what they are, the aesthetic and the rancidly ugly. That wouldn't bring me any serenity. That would make us all miserable, because bringing ignorance to light never goes well. I don't think I will get the same results by accepting things that I fear, changing only the things that I want to, and having the ignorance to be comfortable. I'm driving myself as crazy as they are. Fuck.