So I am back again. It has been a long long time since we spoke. I feel sorta guilty since I had decided to write every day. Even if it was just things that happened during the day, boring things, exciting things. Everything. But hey, life happened. And that is unfortunately what got me to write again. Life. Damn life. I know I told you about how everything is temporary and how keeping quite can be rather beneficial but now I am just going to contradict all of that and tell you what the deal is now. Don't get me wrong, all those things I told you about in my other visits I still believe and think is totally good advice to give anybody but I guess it just applies for certain situations. Where I am now is the sort of situation where none of these things apply. Merely because as come and go as my situation appears to be on the outside, it is really a constant on the inside. The thing I cant remember mentioning in my rant about temporariness is that at the time, something can be very much constant. I mean, sure, a couple of years later, days, months, hours, seconds later it could change and therefor the situation really was only temporary but at the time it was a constant. It was constantly there for however long it was there. For me now, it is a little thing called Depression. Now, I don't personally have depression but I have witnessed it and I have felt the beginnings of it, but never the full blown disease. For me, my current constant is being stuck at the beginning of depression. It is from this point that people often charge forth into it, head first of course, or they find something, some sort of rope to hold onto, that pulls them from the rising flood waters. Sorry, there has been lots of floods lately and I felt the need to reference. But I am right near the edge. That is the only problem. I am not just in the beginning, I am teetering on the edge between a phase and a disease. That makes it not a phase I will snap out of but an issue I need to deal with. I was thinking about things before, things I can't say I am proud of. I was angry at my mother because she was being angry for no reason, not that that is unusual or anything. I went to have a shower to clear my head, as previously mentioned in other visits it is mighty helpful and mind clearing, and I started day dreaming about anything else that made me angry. I will just add in here that I went on a physical/emotional, inner and imaginative journey here. Physical as I went from my bedroom to the bathroom to shower, I traveled from one point to another, point A to point B. It was an emotional journey as my inner and imaginative journey brought fourth many constricting emotions including, humour at my own bleakness, anger at anything that was annoying me, sadness at the fact that I was feeling this way towards so many people. It was tough, no doubt. No sarcasm at all. No really, I am being serious. It was also and imaginative journey as I conjured up the scenario in my mind. I imagined I was confronting someone who has steadily been getting on my nerves without me even realizing. I imagined all of the Year 12's standing around too, watching what was happening and when what I was saying caused one of them to defend the other one, I confronted them about the fact that the only reason they were defending them is because i struck a personal nerve with them. That although verbally they were defending the other person, we both knew they were really talking about them self. Though the most major journey I really embarked on would definitely have to be the inner journey. I came to the realization that not only do I despise a couple of people, but I am also extremely emotionally unstable. I would love to say that I realized that I am not borderline depressed, that my anxiety was just deep stress and that my paranoia was just curiosity.I would be ecstatic to say that I am actually really happy at the moment and that through my rants and day dreams I was able to sort out any issues clogging up my brain storage but if I did I would be lying to myself as well as lying to you. I realized that for the almost two months that I have been supposedly strong for, and not let anxiety control me, have just been suppression. I mean sure, the only way for to really get back to normal is to just suppress emotions and remain blank, that way I can act as normal as possible and no one suspects anything. But in the last two days I have had as many attacks. Sorry for boring you with the whole thing about journeys but we are learning about them in English and how once you have identified the journey you need to give examples and such and my examples kind of tell the story and the frustrations I am currently feeling. I also noticed that when I talk to you I use words that make me seem incredibly intelligent. Like that one. Usually I would just say they make me sound uber smart but nope! Maybe it's cause I was also talking about English work and school work. Any way, that is basically all I wanted to tell you about. Other times I have written I have written it with the thought that maybe someday someone will read this, and that over time many people will see it. Thats why everything was sorta addressed to someone, or many people. But now, I am not writing this with the mind set of pleasing the public. What do they care about a 16 year old girl who cant handle any emotion other than complete blankness? Thats just it. They don't. I'm writing this to you, who ever you may be. I am writing this as my release, my escape, my way of sorting out my life. I know that in reality, compared to other people (namely starving children in Africa and other places like that, third world countries and all)I actually have it pretty good. What I am dealing with is just my sanity and emotions. They have to fight for survival. My survival is handed to me on a plate. In one sense though, I am fighting for my survival as hard as they are. I know you are shaking your head and criticising me for comparing myself to starving orphans and children but when put in perspective it is as plain as day to see. Though their survival is physical and I dare say much harder then mine, I am fighting for survival in my head. And I don't mean that in the crazy nutter way. I am not imagining fighting for survival, I am not that masochistic. But where it comes to my sanity and emotional stability, they play as big a part in my survival as how much food and water I get. If the balance tips too far my life could end, so quickly. And the part that worries me most sometimes is that I am not the kind who are all talk and attention seeking and too scared to go through with it. I nearly have before and I have never taken the term 'saved by the bell' more literally than I did then. Or door. It was a slamming door that snapped me out of it. At least if I ever do go through with it I will plan ahead and send all my things to an African orphanage. They will get more use out of possessions that I wont be able to use. Or maybe I will take them there myself, corrupt governments and all. It would be a way to help other people and share one last sliver of happiness with people who need it as much as I do, although in a totally different sense. You never know, if things had really gotten that bad I would have seen a therapist and I would only get in that scenario if the shrink didn't help at all, and maybe, just maybe, seeing people in a poor village in Africa could lift my spirits. They are always so thankful for what they have and maybe that could give me some hope. I don't know. It is all just a hypothetical scenario after all. Like I said, I am only bordering on the edge but I haven't fallen off yet, and if I do it will take a hell of a lot to make me let go of the branch. Only when I am plummeting to a rocky depth would I be giving away my possessions. And at the moment, I can feel my my legs twitching away from the ledge. My brain just isn't focussed. The extra chemicals are hindering nerve messages. I wont promise a visit tomorrow because I have dance and I probably wont have time before or after to come say hello, so maybe on Thursday? Sweet dreams, ali.