That was an eye opener. Things are going to change. This semester is going to be different. I am going to lose 67 pounds. This will happen. I will make it happen. Taking weekly pictures to keep my motivation up. Tomorrow is a new day, a new month, a new Lindsey in the creation.

Almost Valentines Day... and I am still alone. Cool lol.

Been back at school for 5 days now. Sunday I hung out with Patrick, and I missed him, a lot. Monday was the first day of classes, and it was pretty decent. Nothing too special. Tuesday I went to class then went to Boston to go to Throwed. I danced with a very attractive Spanish guy, and spent most of the time with my tongue down his throat. When I wasn't dancing with him, I was in the bathroom with Kerri, holding her hair as she threw up. I ended up driving back to URI and got back around 4:30 with Haley and Kerri. Yesterday I had class again and afterwards hung out with Patrick again. I can't get enough of this man. He is a teacher, and he wants me to join his class so badly, but I'm not about to. He wants me to so that he can see me every day and also probably to fulfill his fantasy of being a teacher and fucking his student. Finally, today he came over again. He looked so good. Button down shirt, baseball hat and jeans. He is losing weight too, and I love his new look. His birthday is next Saturday, and he is turning 25 years old. He didn't have any plans so of course when I found this out I got all over that. Maybe I can get him to stay over that night. But I told him that we could do whatever he wanted. I can't wait. I will probably be seeing him at least 3 more times before his birthday though. This man is something, and I love being around him.

Heading back to Rhode Island this morning. Gotta finish packing all of my things and load them into the car. It's really going to be the last time I am home until May, since I go to Texas for spring break.

Feeling good. Just got home from seeing Zac. Things definitely seem to be getting better. We talked a lot about relationships, more in depth this time though. He told me he is going to miss me when I leave, and he wants to come and stay the night. After, we cuddled and we actually contemplated just sleeping there together. It would have been amazing. This guy has everything that I want. I really wish that he would feel the same way, sooner rather than later.

The way I think about things is all fucked up. Doesn't help that I am super not confident, have low self esteem and depressed. I have started having feelings for Zac, and we always have a great time when we are together. We have fun, we can just chill, but I honestly don't think that I mean anything more to him than just a good fuck. It honestly bothers me to no end that guys just seem to only feel that much for me. I don't understand why I am always just that. I have tried so hard, and when I thought maybe I was trying too hard, I stopped trying, just waited for things to come my way, but it never did. In all honesty, I wish that Zac actually felt something for me. Actually wanted me around. I'm not just a good fuck. I'm more than that, I just haven't felt what it is to be cared about in a very long time. I forgot what it feels like.

I spent the night with Zac. Like every time before, it was amazing. I met his adorable puppy. His name is Oliver. He loved me. We smoked a bowl, got really high, finished Lord Of The Rings, which we have been trying to finish the last 3 times I was over. We just never lasted long before we were on top of each other. He is adorable. I'm starting to have minor feelings for him, probably because we are having sex, and for me, sex is super emotional. We had great sex, again. After, we laid in bed together, cuddling at first. We started talking, about past relationships and why they ended, along with funny stories from past relationships. By that time we were both on our backs, his hand holding mine. It was great.

Time to fill you in. Patrick never came up here, and I knew he wouldn't. He is in Haiti until the beginning on the semester. Good news, my feelings for him have definitely dulled down. I'll see him when I head back to school, but I am finally okay with the fact that we won't ever be anything more than friends. Mike has been getting jealous about me and my friend Zac. See, Mike and I had a thing back in March of last year. It continued through June when he pretty much just fucked me over. He came back around recently, probably a month ago, and we decided to be friends. He just got dumped by his most recent ex, and is moving in on me. I liked him, I'll be honest. He lives in NY now, is moving to North Carolina for his new job training for 6 months. Funny thing is, after NC he is moving to Smithfield RI, which is 30 minutes from where I live. He really wants to potentially be something with me but at the same time he is saying how he can't. I have just been blowing it off. He is going to come visit me for a weekend in RI when I head back for the next semester. It would be good to see him and determine if there is anything there. Zac and I are really just friends right now. Well, friends who sleep with each other. It gets more and more emotional as we continue. We started talking about relationships and stuff yesterday. He also told me that he wants to come visit me at school for a weekend. Got to some parties and go home together. He is adorable too. I have been seeing him maybe once or twice a week for the last 3 weeks. I was with him last night. They are always amazing nights. I suppose we will have to wait and see what comes of this. That is about everything that is going on. Til something else, bye.

Got a call last night. It was Patrick. He roped me in once again. He speaks to me so sweet. He asked me if he could come and see me tomorrow. Of course I would love to. I've missed him. Missed him a lot. Mike flipped out at me last night, because I was planning on seeing Patrick. He can't expect me to do anything other than that. He can't expect me to wait out for him when he can't make up his mind. I don't want to be somebody's second choice anymore. At least with Patrick, I know I am first. Doing some thinking. A perfect guy who wants me but I know will end up leaving or a perfect guy who may never come around. How do I pick?