I'm always hungry now. I think I'm aboard the S.S. Fatass ship as of late. I'm not too concerned with weight gain. I'm about 120 lbs, and 10 more pounds won't kill me. I rearranged my room on Tuesday, and I'm still not satisfied with the outcome! First, my crazy, new savage-like appetite is never satisfied, now I'm unsatisfied with the way my room looks. Fuck! XP I suppose I'm nervous for the next few months to come... This weekend was supposed to be my mother's birthday, but she's no longer with us.. Exactly a month later will be the first year of her passing.. I'm scared. I've come full circle.

It's now time to kiss and make-up! My bipolar love has returned back to greatness, all thanks to some wonderful communication/arguing through the phone. =D I still have yet to see him again, but when we do... ;D Oh this excites me so!! Despite our hurtful rough patches and tugs in our relationship, the smoothness, and loveliness of it all makes it worth while. Despite all of the aches and pains, the tears and shouts... we find each other again. We touch and embrace, and we're whole. We are one being: eyes closed and arms held tight around one another; the world, time and anyone else ceases to exist. (Nothing personal, but when we're that intimate with each other, the world can burn for all I care.) I'm full of anticipation, and nerves. We haven't made love since Wednesday (9-22-10) and I am nervous. It's no wonder I've been classified as "an innocent." No matter how many times we make love to each other, no matter how many times I open my legs for him and welcome him in, I still feel 'pure.' I love him dearly

As was greatly said by Sarah Marshall! B.S. is what's in store for me from a boy. It's literally making me feel ill, and I'm not quite sure if it's the pain he's causing me, or this heatwave! I'm just gonna chalk my sick feeling to the weather; it's unhealthy to let a boy or anyone else for that matter have this much affect on my well-being. Fuck! I had a feeling that something was gonna go bad that Thursday, my female intuition kicked in and I should've listened. Now it's Saturday, and nothing has been resolved. My love life is on the fritz. Fuck! Why is it so hard to keep promises? Why must guys insist on hurting everyone? I'm not going to sit around and mope if you think that's the kind of girl I am. Nope! I'm going to get up, get out and get some! "Sheit I like a lotta Prada.." haha Sorry, I just started thinking about that Jay-Z song, "Can I get a Fuck You." As the male author of "He's Just Not That Into You" wisely said, "don't waste the pretty on crying over a guy." Heck yes! I won't waste a single drop of my prettiness. I am unstoppable and I don't want to let fear run my life anymore. I'm 19 for pete's sake!

I guess this is the closest I'm gonna get to a blog.. Not much of a blog if you ask me, but I don't care.. The significant, ugly truth that I've come here today to write about, is my love life. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know what you're thinking. "Typical girl with a boy problem." I thought the same thing too. The thing is, I feel as if I've come full circle, and it hurts. The mistake of a relationship I was in a year ago, the guy started to neglect me around this time of year when I needed his friendship the most. I need my current boyfriend's friendship the most, but I feel as if he's straying from me. I felt so alone last night, even in his presence. Maybe I shouldn't suggest we hang out anymore, since that obviously wasn't the smartest choice. I know that friends don't disappear just because you're in a relationship; this I know. We were lying in bed watching a movie, I leaned over to kiss him and he said, "I'm tired." He turned his face away and fell asleep. He slept for hours leaving me to watch movie after movie alone. When he woke up, he was texting his friends. Friends that he'd already spent a majority of the day with, mind you. He was really anxious to just leave and hang out with them for the duration of the night. I dropped him off at the fast food place his friends were at, feeling utterly alone and used. I most likely was used last night. Maybe I need to grow a pair, and bitch at him. I'm such a pushover. Ugh! I love him, I really do, but I'm not gonna let this b.s. to continue if I want a healthy relationship. Wish me luck!

So... this is a journal obviously, and I'm not quite sure if it's private or not. I'm going to assume that it's not and start blogging about whatever I please. Only writing what is considerably significant I suppose. Let's begin! Today is the 21st of September.. 9/21/10. I want to be naked. I want to lie naked in bed, or have a huge empty room to myself and walk, and twirl and leap about the place with my tunes bumping in the background.. Of course, I cannot have this at the moment. I am not alone unfortunately, nor do I live alone. Plus, you shouldn't be prancing around completely naked when you're on your period right? ha! Oh well, I guess I'll try to make my room as.. "bare" as possible to compensate for my lack of nudity. =( Boo.