This past week has been bliss. There have been hurtles. There has been some pain and stress. But I am with you. You are with me. We are happy. I am happy. Love. It's been said and usually it would terrify me and feel way too soon but you make me feel grounded, secure. I'm not sure exactly what love is. I'm not sure exactly what it really means but I love you. I really do.

I smile. Her eyes meet mine and I cannot look away. I try to hold back but just can't. All this time just wanting you. I cannot hold it back any longer. I hold your hand. I smile, as do you. This is bliss. This is me content. I know nothing of the future but to live in the past, in that night; last night, would be a marvelous life. "She is happy when she is with me and I am, I am finally alive."

Getting hopes up for nothing. Reading into everything. Constantly dreaming of laying with her in the most innocent sense. Longing. These long nights of longing.

"I am not your friend. I am just a man who knows how to feel. I am not your friend. I'm not your lover. I'm not your family. Yeah."

I'm really not good at being single. It's been a while since my last relationship and I just don't like being without someone to hold. Kind of a bummer.

Tonight was the first time I felt infinite. Though it was interrupted by an important phone call and some irritated friends, those moments standing in the sun roof while blasting Say Anything meant the world to me. I've never quite felt that before. It's strange but it was just the perfect moment. I'll cherish it forever. I hope.

I want a normal life with my wife. Threesomes are not. Twenty partners are not. I feel content with what I've done. I hope you do as well. Sex is not a recreational activity. As much as I miss it, sex is not something I live for. Sorry. I'm not a "man". I don't want to fuck everything. It means something to mean.

"Your constant optimism is completely foreign" she said to my baffled reaction. My mind racing, I thought, "You are the only one who has ever thought I was optimistic." I do try, I confessed and I guess someone finally noticed. Though it's unfortunate that her heart belongs to another, I feel that at times, I fully occupy her mind. Lord knows she occupies mine.

Strange time for me but I'm drunk and need someone to talk to. Shit. Everyone is asleep. I should be. Sleep. Foreign. New (old) pills. Stop taking my cigarettes. You're my friend. Pay for shit. Sleep. I need it. Goodnight. I think I love you. I am an idiot. Sleep. Goodnight. "Stop talking to me and give me some peace."

It's nights like these when I really hate being single. Being unable to tell her because I know it'll ruin the friendship. Being alone and spooning a pillow. Getting drunk to forget but only being able to remember. "I write to remember."