There's one line that just gets me every time. "Katie it's a strange world when girls can get so broken hearted" rising in harmony, fragile vibrations; a perfect understanding And my heart it just melts at the center, lets the music fill my blood like gold dust, unravel me, take me home Andrew gets it where do you go with your broken heart in tow? the world is so repulsed by sadness It soaks you through, like getting caught in the rain for a while you become an ornament a package marked HANDLE WITH CARE and for a few weeks you're allowed to cry but somehow, those million water drops filled with the secrets of your pain don't seem to be enough and it starts to scare you because you've never cried this much your skin must be melting everything is absorbing in it oozes out at the worst of places disgusting, this messy thing you have become beseeching people pathetic desperate, please please help me and no matter how kind they are, sometimes its just not their place to care you don't want to be that kind of person, who spills their life on the floor for perfect strangers you feel so out of control and no matter how many times you change your clothes, no matter how many hot showers you take there is still a cold that lingers in your bones and you know its ridiculous and illogical but you can't deny that it's there, that the discomfort is pressing that its NOT something you can deal with wake up make up pretty smile for the rest of your life when there is such an aching absence of something warm when you've been on the other side and seen what its like to have someone hold your heart I know because I've been there for a year i was a puddle a pair of feet, so weak for every climb and it got worse and worse and worse until i realized i was the only one who was going to make it better i watch grace and i feel this tenderness we're both just doing the best we can to carry around this unspoken weight is so tiring, but there is still so much other good and the way i've coped is no worse or better than anyone else's but its so easy to criticize to hear the critique and wonder "am i doing the right thing?" but there's no answer maybe there never was even when you were together and it all seemed so perfect, maybe it was just wishful thinking maybe if you weren't so young, if he wasn't your first, if he hadn't promised forever i take all the variables, add and subtract, a nonsense equation of things that never happened, and chances i'll never take and i wonder still if i could be happier if i ever will be? or is that the best i'll ever get and all i leave with is a memory?

it's not that i think it isn't too much, i just don't know if there's an exactly enough the point is there is no point that's what the drugs have taught me, have allowed me to treat my life like an adventure, like i am floating in a sea of an incomprehensible amount of time and for now, weed is my companion it follows me quietly, a little secret smile practice makes perfect, and i am the master nobody knows unless i let them total control, channeling energy gathering of the vibes and i still see the energy dots everywhere, a blurring of rainbow light at the edges of everything nothing is real, or at least nothing is realer than anything else truthfully, we're only chemical reactions i do drugs for the same reason people shop or eat or have sex its a good feeling, a rush, but it doesn't leave you empty the remainder of a beautiful evening can cling to your skin for weeks if you let it more more more i have nothing else better to do anyway i used to say watch the sky whenever life got lonely things are always changing, the rain can't go on forever but now, that seems powerless i am more in control of my happiness than that if i choose,i can ride out the storm or i can pack up and jump on a plane to somewhere where there's warmer weather the point is, there's always a choice no one cares who you turn out to be a fraction as much as you and even though you might have to search it out, find some bizarre sect of counterculture normal you would have felt embarrassed to even know about, your true self learns that ringing certainty of home is worth any amount of awkward explanations

"I am so special" that's what she said, just those four simple words the spark of light, golden fireworks burst through them the energy was so strong i could see the color dots dancing around the room, hiding at the edges of everybody's smiles I am so special and she was, now more than ever we all were here in this home at the end of the world come in from the cold, breathe in until you're gasping how could we have ended up any where else? if you have never felt entirely yourself keep searching for the feeling being in that room of the artists, the dreamers, the brilliant minds of a lost generation made my bones hum in a way i couldn't even imagine i was there and i was someone we all had our stories you could tell from the colors painted on skin, from the beads in hair, from the fabric that glistened and sparkled everything said "here i am, existing" making a space for myself in the world and the conversations nobody was talking about other people all of it, just the short bits and snatches were ideas, events,brilliant philosophies we stood and we locked eyes and we knew without words we had once again stumbled into that beautiful world and the best part was, it wasn't just random all the choices, all the decisions, all the thoughts and feelings of the people we were growing into had led us here to the perfect moment there was no fear of an ending because we could always come back this world was getting realer, closer we were finding it more and more often the girl i was dancing on the drugs was starting to make her way into the ordinary this was not a role, a persona i adopted maybe it had started out that way, but now it felt like the truth i could taste it, clear like crystal water running along the back of my teeth this was me at my center i was not an observer, but an actor you cross this line where you're no longer playing dress up at first, you do this drug thing like it's temporary some phase you have to get out of your system you're young and bored and trapped in time you've only seen the showroom model, as though the only way to do this drug thing is get in and out before you're trapped but then, a veil is lifted there is the good side, the psychedelics, the spiritual awakening you meet the people and it's nothing like you expected they are not sick, or starving, or desperate they don't smell, they're not poor or hopeless or going nowhere mostly, they seem gentle and strange, the children of a different age and even though you look around and you can tell that some people, like your parents or your friends from high school might feel uncomfortable you have never in your life felt more at ease nobody seems to have any hidden intentions the atmosphere is so open the conversations lack an ordinary sense of obligation, a duty to keep exchanging words even though all has been said we see a guy doing yoga in a corner, all alone, his limbs like clay, dancing, cutting gracefully through the air he sees us staring and he smiles and the energy flies straight to his eyes, light blue, wide wide open i ask him where he is from, even though normally i hate that question because it ends up meaning nothing but with him, his smile, his dancing arms, it matters because i care he tells us about the earth, your bare feet on the dirt, just wakes your whole body up like BAM! and organic food and yoga and then back to that earth, it's all about nature man, all about going back to the basics every words is flushed with this lighting, this color, i feel my heart gripping onto every word, digging out every ounce of meaning "you're so smart" it's just a fact, it goes with his passion and insight, spilling over into infinity never in my life have i had such a conversation, total passion on both sides it was like that with everybody my heart rose inside my chest and i felt so full me and grace, we were experiencing this together the next night i cried as i lay awake, sending all the positive energy i could find in my heart back out to the universe in gratitude this was going to be the best year of my life and i knew it with a certainty, pulsing in tune with the songs in my head at 20 years old, i had found my home at the end of the world i was making it my reality, my choice and now, it is my job to write and remember i am so special i am on a journey away from the common conception, a journey to happiness, a journey to enlightenment someday i will capture it all in words, every last second here is another piece of the guidebook here is another step closer to the secret of infinity