"My name is pirate mannequin, and I am anything but scared," her voice drifted down to us through the echos in the air, mixing with the metalic sound of her coin skirt clinking. We looked up in awe and just marveled at her. There she stood, posed like a flamingo, all skin and bones and short blond hair. Almost like a model, but her pose suggested a certain flexibility and virility, an excitement for the moment. "Look around," she said, gesturing a candy colored sleeve around the small tent. "This isn't like a normal store. Here we welcome trades and negotiations. Everyone leaves happy," My eyes took in all the patterns, neon and tie dye dominating every wall. Two tables filled with jewelery, pipes, and flowers cluttered the room. I ran my fingers over a necklace with a clear glass orb in the middle.The frenzy of squiggles seemed vibrantly alive, pulsing with intensity. "Incredible" I whispered. "Just two dollars, hun" she said. I handed her the money unhesitatingly. "This place is awesome!" exclaimed Grace, choosing a matching necklace for herself. "I hand make almost everything you see here. This is my passion," Pirate smiled and I felt a strange warmth ignite around me. I was inexplicably drawn, focusing in on every word. She had an electric charisma, almost like a bolt of lightening. It seemed it was only in this holiday world that one could find people so captivating. "This is my third festival this month. Next week I go to Tennessee, and then upstate after that. You guys going to any more festivals this summer? I'd love to see you again," even though she didn't know us, this strange sincerity flowed through her voice. "Wow! You're so cool!" Grace told her. "This is our first music festival," I said. "Oh wonderful! Are you having fun?" Fun didn’t even begin to cover it. It was only the second day and I already felt like a new hope for the world had sprouted up in me. I didn’t realize places like this even existed, that if you looked hard enough you could find peace in love in 21st century America. Camp Bisco was exactly how I imagined Woodstock to be, except better. Better because I was actually there, in a physical place, instead of making up stories in my head. Here was my first real life experience, a time I felt shockingly and overwhelmingly alive. It was me and my friend, two 18 year old girls, and we had no idea of the mindfuck we were about to explore. “Let me know if you girls need anything. I’d be happy to help you out,” Other customers hurried in and out, crazy flower children barefoot in the dirt. I stared at all of the people, so many faces with far away eyes. Everybody was really lost in their own bizarre world. Grace and I thanked Pirate and left the tent, half skipping down the main road. “I think I’m starting to feel it,” Grace said a little while later. I stopped and stared at the grass. The emerald hue seemed to explode off each blade, and the roots ran over and under one another. I nodded and pointed at the grass. “It’s growing,” The two of us laughed and laughed and twirled around on the open field until we were too dizzy to stand. We collapsed to the ground and the sun poured a golden light, painting my pale skin. “Let’s walk,” I said after a while, having no concept of how long we had been laying down. Other people were starting to move toward the concert venues, talking and dancing excitedly. They were all so colorful, not just in their clothing and glow sticks, but something in the air that flowed overhead. I saw an aura of sorts, the daunting lavender of a thunderstorm sky, blazing in long streams of electrical current. I wondered how many of them were tripping as well, and if perhaps this small plot of land contained a true sense of the divine. There was magic here, a carefree spell, where reality felt miles and miles behind. As we walked, I began to feel a floating sensation, as if I was walking on water. There we were, so small, lost in a big crowd with no destination. The ground slid smoothly under my feet and I imagined there was no better moment possible for anything. We were at the brink of perception and all the doors opened widely.

"Am I allowed to be a real person?" I needed a real answer,all the right words I have never felt so invisible he closed the door to protect me that kind of question was not ok he didn't want anyone to hear, to see that i was unraveling that their unkindness held a power I just couldn't get it out from under my skin I cried as the music played, eyes closed and heart open dripping everywhere, hidden in my room which wasn't really mine a house but not a home "be happy with me! be happy!" I couldn't help it my hurt soaked through all the muscle fibers and i just kept thinking how? how does this happen? how do the people you trust break your heart and not even really notice I have always been one to come up with a plan I wanted the solution before the next problem, so that this would never happened again but there didn't seem to be an easy fix you let people into your life and sometimes they turn against you a necessary risk it seemed so unavoidable I leaned into him, depending promise of forever and I hoped we could keep it as the patterns on the ceiling started to warp, and the melody of the Beatles spun like sugar in the air I made myself stop calm inner peace all the love in my heart could not be unhinged we danced like children, night fairies with wings The trees were bold and sharp, and I breathed in my childhood Florida nights with beautiful weather that's what I had come here for When you leave behind the only person who has ever truly known you you leave behind yourself As I walked to and from my classes, headphones on, feet steadily moving I had never in my life felt so invisible I was here, but not really nobody knew me as I defined myself in my head I practiced silence, even as I danced around in my high heels and make up Nobody knew I'd rather be at home and even if they did, they certainly didn't care It had been ages since i'd written, months and months of unused monologue echoing inside my head I didn't want it on paper because I was scared scared it wouldn't come out right, scared it would look different from another angle that maybe on paper, I would no longer be the victim that it would be all my fault and I could see that spelled clearly in between every word people are like planets, you need a thick skin it was true, but my skin felt like tissue paper No matter how I twisted it, I couldn't get the unkindness out of my head I didn't know how to fix this anger from nowhere, directionless and devastating No matter how much you try to live around it, pretend it isn't happening, it's so prevalent it created a heavy fog around my world and I felt my shoulders droop in surrender I didn't believe in standing up for myself nobody would listen anyway and all that yelling shattering the space between my bones well, I simply couldn't bear it All I needed was my own world I ducked inside my head for hours at a time, wishing perhaps for somebody to join me I tried so hard to melt the pain, to forgive and forgive and forgive It eroded me washed me away how do you smile when there is a toxin in your breath, infiltrating into everything? I wanted a bubble protection from betrayal, from broken trust instead I had a bedroom without a door, orders written on post it notes these were the consequences of my actions after all, I had chosen this I could have lived alone Maybe it will get better or maybe I'll just learn to shut it out that's why I'm focusing on my own world, rebuilding i need an identity i need to feel allowed to exist I always forget that I am an artist, that I will always have my words for company here are my meaningful conversations here is everything I fear the most