my heart had emptied out of my chest it had ozed through the spaces in my ribs in tiny little fractions infectious goo, human waste alive with blood and dreams it had ceased to stay grounded the weightlessness tore it apart i think lack of direction with the feeling of not want encompassing everything good there's no wonder it just melted down to something rotten so now i have this infection streaming through me and i don't know how to live around it every time i get an idea of the right thing, my motivation is overpowered wake up early, i think go to the gym or i could just sleep my life away or i could just starve myself, cheat my body into being skinny whichever hurts less whichever takes the least out of me the motivation has evaporated, along with the power i let everything happen around me you don't have to be the protagonist of your own story when things get too hard, just take a step back and watch... it's just like a movie eventually, the conflict is resolved time is ignorant of the way you feel you either figure it out or you die it's that simple so the way i have dealt with my liquid heart is by assimilating forming into the shape of a perfect miami girl there are no colors in my hair i talk only about people, about parties, about places you only wish you could get inside i sound like a stupid snob and i know it there are no ideas floating in my head worthy of discussion i don't have the time to myself to think them up every waking moment i feel like i am always in someone else's situation places where i have no control of setting, of frame of mind there has been so much smoke the past few days i hardly even believe in anything but the high i try to be the friend that i would like to have i give so much to make everyone else happy they use me and i watch others notice there is such shame associated with being a door matt i feel as though it's too late to start standing up for myself the strikes are already there i will give until i have nothing left and they'll just have to devour me whole but this is not the life i want for myself even if my dreams are crusted in the curves of my bones, i still remember how vibrant they used to be i wanted to be different happy and healthy and strong and calm i wanted colors in my hair and ideas in my head the girl that matt fell madly in love with the girl ben recognizes as someone good and pure i am sick of being a heart breaker of surrounding myself with people who have cruel intentions, who wish only to harm i want to help fill the world with lightness bring forth everything hidden inside of me make now my perfect moment i don't want to spend the whole night sleeping i need the time to value the world and the life that i have been given i am so lucky to be alive no matter what, i carry that fact with me, tight to my chest, and use it as my shield every experience is only an interpretation, every truth a perception of reality i am not my reputation i am a bead of light, like everyone else, that flickers for eighty something years, and then just as suddenly dims i am part of a collective consciousness i fear deeply for my own generation, for the excess of free time, for the endless number of distractions where will we fall in the history of man kind, in an ever changing complex societal structure culture is the human buffer to the environment it's the way we deal with messy parts of the world and wrap it up into nice tight boxes if you've ever thought about it, there really is a right way to do everything how important is it to watch your actions, to take the time and care needed to go through every motion and moment with perfection? these are the questions we battle with every day this is the subconscious, all the tiny choices that are made without true conviction most people have no idea what it is that keeps them alive the mind is a fascinating thing and i have watched mine tilt and twirl on the edge of madness i have chosen not to fall in, to walk away and find a nice stable place right at the center and maybe it's not too late for my heart maybe if i concentrate i can locate all the pieces bring them back together make myself whole again and willing to try so here is my statement piece the mess in my head translated into something concise whenever i get lost, i will re read these words and remember that we are all made of glass accepting failure is not the answer it's sad, but we are chastised so much more by out mistakes than rewarded by our successes so make the little triumphs count let the not want feeling drift into thin air no one really cares who you become nearly as much as you protect yourself treasure your desires and motivation don't put off dreams to some random magical date where you will just wake up and the world will feel whole trust me, it's not that easy it's step by step like building a puzzle i'll take every piece of me and rearrange it until finally i can look in the mirror and say i am living the life of my dreams and this is exactly what i've always wanted

don't be so afraid of failure that it's not even worth it to try you never know how the words will come out until they are so far down the page it seems insincere to delete them i write because: i used to have reasons i used to have big dreams made of crisp sky molecules and paper mache things change time shoves you to places you never thought you'd go like the end of your freshman year for instance where it's 6:30 in the morning and the only thing you've done a shitload of is coke i can't study anymore my brain feels numb from lack of caring go to sleep it says wake up and fix things when its light outside no wait i need to focus on this on something important to me doesn't that sound like the right thing to do?

For once, the lack of sleep is natural i have never felt so drugged while sober i am switching to a polyphasic sleep schedule called SPAMAYL 20 min naps, atleast 40 min apart surprisingly im not exhausted and i haven't even fucked it up yet the extra time to myself tonight has been strange how many things can you possibly fill your life with until you've had your share? i watched a lot of music videos surfed the web, read a book is this better use of my time than sleeping? i'd like to think so its just another way of pushing my body proving i am extraordinary that i can survive and excel with a method that is rejected by the norm my tiny ways of escaping construct here all alone in the night i am sure i got into a fight with brian today he yelled at me and it popped my bubble i felt scared and naked i wanted everything to go away it was because i don't stand up for myself i let everyone walk all over me with the biggest smile on my face i care, but i have to pretend i don't i have no energy to fight i'd rather have friends who use me than no friends at all

the desk is clean and the halls are quiet if you didn't know you never would have guessed i don't look like the kind of girl who would i am quiet and shy i blend into walls in corners sometimes i amaze myself with how well i disappear but the truth is, if i had my way I'd have kept the colors in my hair it just ended up not working out something about a metamorphosis i am now playing a part i no longer fit i have never believed in excess i am always calculated, i think ahead there are times when enough is enough enough sleep, enough food, enough crying alone in your bed it amazes me that there are people in this world who seem to know no boundaries they just consume no thought involved not every action has to be painstaking 100 dollars of chemicals keeping me wide awake i didn't need it i didn't even really want it but it was there and it was offered so i took it that's what i used to think i would always do given the opportunity, i should have gone overboard but i didn't realize the way that all the ups and downs change you when i was tripping, it wasn't introspective it was weird and obscure and for the longest time i just had no idea what i truly wanted we wandered for hours, a band of magical nymphs casting waves to shake lakes and winds to sweep away everything fleeting moments everchanging time will go on no matter how you push or resist it i did neither i floated on my back until it carried me to the shore maybe its weakness maybe its just the cost of over analyzing to a point where i have nothing more to say on reality towards the end though, i had a moment millisecond clarity just one complete thought happy and healthy and strong and calm the perfect balance these were the things i needed to collect in order to feel okay this year has turned my body into a wasteland once upon a time, i was strong and motivated now i can't remember the last time i could run i am weak and i feel it my stomach knows it it won't let me eat it fears that everything i don't need will spread like a virus to the rest of me i have lost 5 pounds of strictly muscle mass there is a need to recondition to convince myself that throwing up is NOT normal that recovering a few pieces of my old life might make my new one a little easier "you ruined everything"he told me once i laughed at that what a lofty statement like one single person could possibly carry that much blame like i was willing to tote it around on my shoulders until it crushed me and i had to go running back i didn't ruin everything i didn't even ruin part of it my memories are all separate, isolated incidents as time has passed, the screaming has silenced its the love and laughter my mind has embellished upon most i miss you i always will i hope you'll tell me if things get not okay keep going keep trying and eventually time will take us to the shores of everything we ever worked for