you wrote me a story about dying i had nothing to say in return to be honest, i haven't been writing much most of it has been about you or nothing I'm not sure if there's a clear topic distinction when my bloodstream surges and electricity pulses through the ends of my fingers, i know my words on the page will stick shine black against an illumination we were real and beautiful and young and now I'm trying to start over i am in love again but it's not carefree i am cautious i question i prepare myself inside my head for the inevitable eventually, he will leave and maybe then you will come back or you will find someone else or we will both wander lost feeding on philosophies until we're both so lonely we just have to let it be i never imagined someone would call me intoxicating the me i created in my head matched the girl who laughed in front of you and i don't think this is true of anyone else maybe this summer I'll see you again and i know if i do just like last time my heart will break and my eyes will pour and everything in me will mesh until my head and your chest are one and the same and it will be fascinating at least until you leave then i'm not so sure how it will be me cleaning up all the wreckage of the aftermath would i throw away everything i have for you? you keep asking me to i'm not sure why i thought that ship had sailed on but regardless of you i have some self improvement to do so that maybe i can walk into a room and be perceived as intoxicating without the whole mess of falling in love

So who's to say you can't wake up one morning and decide to change your life around and i mean really change it one hundred percent commitment like putting your foot down, taking a stand and saying "hey i'm not fucking happy here and this isn't hwo i want to be" it's incredibly hard to let people down just by surrounding yourself with people, you create all these assumptions maybe things you didn't even know you were maybe things you never thought you could stop being in any group, you become your singular identity for instance, i am always the sweetest girl i don't argue i never have strong opinions i always seem to want what makes the most people happy but sometimes, all i want is to fucking scream and tell them all how much better i deserve even though no one will listen i'm terrified of being alone i need someone to take care of me always i need a guiding figure in my life and that's why i have brian math like that should scare me but it doesnt i have laready had my heart shattered so now i know im capable of recovery i allow myself to envision a life of stasis here i am inside his arms i make him promise because i think it's amusing matt said he wouldn't leave either and now look how far away he's gotten i know it's unlikely that brian will stay but that doesn't matter now i've learned to view time as an un-graspable entity the only certainty is the present memory lies, the future evades we are here and now and that's all there is too it we have had other moments we will have other moments so whenever i feel like i'm dropping i just close my eyes and wait

I feel like i spend too much time waiting for other people for exciting things to happen it's like i'm uncomfortable out in the open on a couch in the lobby, exposed everyone can pass and see me all alone that girl with no friends i do have friends or at least i think i do but the silences are so strained i can't connect don't know what to talk about so i guess i'd rather be alone? boyfriend is incredible im afraid he'll get sick of me and then i'll have no one

i wished for no one, swinging on playgrounds rubber, sand, too hot metal childhood relived, except so much bigger i wanted to be there i wasn't missing out somewhere else