strangers on the internet can't give me the answers no matter how much i write, how much i plead and beg the decision is already burning inside of me i want to be in boston i want to be where you are but what i'm willing to give for that is so questionable and you you trapped inside the box of no emotion is it comfortable in there? is it safe? because this light and this room and every window in the world just looks perfect for leaving i have cried enough tears to drown an ocean i am made for you i just know you are my happiness you are my world entire and i miss you so much that miss isn;t even the word i need you every time we talk i break im so sure i want out of here, out of this mirror, out of this make believe life i have cleverly crafted i can't fool myself my whole heart is missing please come back stroke my hair and make me smile give me something i might just fall to pieces

so much ecstasy in my system little pills, green ones, white ones being alive with purpose connected to something it felt like ten minutes there's no way that i passed through 4 hours of time

my life, the correct way has so much predictability this is not a coincidence years of practice have taught me to engineer it this way i do it because if everything should suddenly fall apart i'll always have a routine to hide inside while i put it back together i dream about cocaine and car crashes these should be my nightmares i watch movies about addicts and all i think is how? how does one get to that breaking point? where is that specific thread of fate to cut so that moving forward no longer matters i went to sleep last night looking harder to see the value i wanted passion i only got a warm body maybe safety is more important still haven't talked to matt still not in love with living still not afraid still not secure i want to be on the fucking edge of happiness give me peaks give me downfalls i reject the ordinary i don't want to be happy i'd rather be experienced

so let's say that the mind is made of memory think of it like building blocks, little pieces you can actually manipulate say that everything builds on one another some fracture here at the beginning makes a weak base for the end but eventually you get this building block tower and then you start another story and another until eventually you get this memory city think new york skyline, everything huge and toppling onto one another it's overwhelming you look up and can't see the top like being trapped inside a cube only the space inside is your life and all the walls of mistakes and memories are too tall to get out of so since you can't escape you explore you start on the closest lowest floors the easiest places think disney world, think swing sets and sand boxes the places seem bright, like they might have been happy but it's so small and far removed you can hardly remember it was good you guess but not pulling or intoxicating enough to hold you forever you need more a stronger sensation so you scavenge climb over all the debris, the torn up floor boards dilapidated stairways and finally you are in a place of intensity where once you felt safe but now the rush is over and the ruins are such an insult you hate that it's over you won't accept that it's gone you pull at the lose threads, as if you will rip out something whole and new it's so frustrating, but you just can't give up the tears erode you you become your grief, wear it proudly like a fur coat it's cruel and ugly, but you cherish it you need to otherwise your torso feels so empty and shivering has never shaken you more eventually through, you start to wonder if maybe you could start something new rebuild on a different level start a new floor or maybe even a whole new building and this one could be beautiful maybe even fantastical you start to get excited for the first time in a while it's nice, almost familiar until you see how flat the ground is there's so much work to do maybe you should just try to salvage the old place after all, it was once so beautiful you look at the ugly walls now, but that trace is still there there was magic here, an incredible purity you feel it in your heart, in your skin, in your fucking hairline you need this to stay who said you couldn't have both so that's what you decide to do you start building anew and it's slow but you have an old haunt to go to when you get too scared and this new place, it's looking better and better everyday and the old is starting to look even more worn down maybe you should just bulldoze over it convince your heart to re-record but wait this is not about buildings this is not about walls or floors, or blocks this is about falling in love about keeping memories separate about learning to create enough space in your heart for more than one simple story here is the moment here is now you can keep the old connection as long as you'd like treasure it have a level to aspire to but remember the flaws nothing was perfect but all in all, it was pretty amazing i will always love you matt, just the way you were but now is my new day and i'm sincerely trying to focus on rebuilding

you know what i want? perfect realistic scenario: we have an amazing summer go to the beach sing on picnic tables remember what it's like to feel intoxicated with something good and pure i'm not talking the drugs those aren't reality you are not something i need to escape from every moment with my head held into your chest have always been my strongest i love you i need you i always have and when we talk like it's last year, i feel better like who i used to be not this miami fake bitch not this used up empty heart so i'll try my best bring you back with me and for a few days, after all my begging you finally say okay you let yourself fall you breathe me in and i watch you smile we are incredible i'm safe so safe so strong and then and then you tell me your life blew up you say don't text or call until i contact you but that was on friday and im so worried and hurt that you won't answer did i do something? do i deserve this? everytime i call i know im ruining it so i wont but its getting harder too long apart and just when we were making such good progress so i guess i'll wait no one else cares i'll wake up every morning with fingers crossed and dream of you before i sleep i hope you're okay i'm sorry if it's all my fault i only wanted both of us to be happy