i'm done i've said that before, but this time i mean it or atleast i hope i do i really fucking hope so because i dont know how many more missed calls i can take when you need only the tiniest drop of affection to make you feel completely safe everything inside me sort of melts and sinks when i can't even make you feel anything past tense is an incredible thing she loves makes me feel weightless she loved and thats just it- i can't get the memories out of my head when you call your best friend and he's always busy its probably a sign he wants you to drift away so give him what he wants love from a distance let him hold it inside himself and contaminate it with random sluts and other toxins that's only his half he didn't take yours you still have that love curled up somewhere safe inside your being that you water and care for everyday with tears and thoughts of used to be i bet he doesn't even remember anymore i bet you're the only keeper so what about this, a new resolution your new boyfriend is so wonderful he holds you when you cry he pets your head until you feel better all the things that matt used to do key words: used to as in: no longer as in:completely irrelevant you need a new safe place because yours has been burned down, and it's clearly plain stupid to go sit in a pile of ashes while it's raining and expect to stay dry brian will save you he sees that you are wonderful and beautiful just because matt broke his promise doesn't mean everybody will there have to be some truth tellers amongst all the liars and you're so fucking lucky you know you are he's such a sweet heart everything genuine you wish you could be and yet you fuck it up you cheat, you lie, you flirt but honestly, when i said i really cared today, i swear to god i meant it goodbye matt i can't give you anymore of me without anything in return i love you, and i might forever, but someday when you need it the most when you remember to feel, when you're in my place it just might have been forgotten so for now i'll just give my best shot at happy and you do whatever the fuck it is that makes you so unbroken

memories i used to believe that was all we were made of your best moments, mostly used up its like the way a post it note starts to dry out the stickiness losens and losens until its eventually just a useless piece of paper and you have to throw it out i always try to go back in my head recall sensations long past i read old love letters and cry as if that will help bring back last year, as though sadness and regret parallel love even though i never feel better after, always just more tired there are so many mixed views on which moments to live in should i think ahead, or fall into my past is living every moment presently effective, or just plain ignorant? so i'll go for that i hold my new boyfriend like he's the key to my happiness like i could recreate matt, have that same heart collide connection take what you have and turn it into something you were missing so i guess that's what i'll do

Count down to midnight and im so far away a phone call would probably go unanswered so is there even a point in trying? i can't help myself i know its destructive maybe if i only aspire for the impossible at least i'll know the outcomes too much tv and not enough sleep i wish i had an off switch i wish every time i closed my eyes i could make myself unconscious when the present makes me empty i fill my head with memories not good enough i know but its the best i've got i feel so dissatisfied for no reason i need some sleep i need some love or happiness i dont know so ill just drift away into my shallow beautiful sunshine

Somebody once told me that the you in your head and the you in the world are essentially identical. No matter how blaring the differences seem, its completely irrelevant. If you walk around with a smile and tell everyone you're happy, it makes it so. The less you allow your consciousness to dwell on the inside, the better actor you become. And since no one can see into your head, no matter how many different ways you try to explain it, thoughts become secondary to actions. You are who they say you are. You can't be the big man on campus unless everyone agrees you are the big man on campus. This goes for everything. You can't be the sweetest, prettiest, most interesting girl no matter how much you lie in your head. Reality and truth is a shared perception. And finally, instead of fighting, i decided to just dive in. When I was younger, I wanted only to be invisible. I noticed something very important about the way people work: flaws stand out much more than excellence. If I woke up early, did all my homework, dressed in the outfits from magazines, i could simply fade away. The me in my head dismissed the world, like it was a place i was only visiting. I didn't know how to be any sort of self, so i hid instead of trying. For years I lived my life like a science experiment, denying wants and fears. I was as close to perfect as humanly possible. And still I wasn't happy Falling in love is the connection that dragged me out of my head. Suddenly, someone thought i was better than ordinary. That the person i hid for fear of being strange was present. I existed. I was here and alive and for the first time i loved it. I made friends. I started fights. The schedules, the bizarre sleep hours slowly drifted away. i found myself normalizing. Falling into the patterns of gossip and unkindness of everyone around me. When i hurt inside, i dismissed it. Being alone was terrifying, because that was when i thought the most. When love left, i felt simply useless. Long gone were the pieces of me striving to be invisible. I had felt something beautiful and it had led to a train wreck. I became submissive. I followed. I assumed my wants and desires were definitively wrong. I had messed up so bad existing the first time, all my confidence collected and ran away. That was when i started writing. When the me in my head and the me in the world seemed like total strangers. There are horrible names that come with being a plaything. Slut and whore weighed me down in a way i still can't grasp years later. I felt hollow and weak. I was bored and helpless. I needed somebody to save me again. I returned to love with an attitude of gratefulness. The need was understood. You were almost doing me a favor. I don't know how we got so lost and twisted. We were young I guess. Maybe it was too much hope. We lost control and again the spiral shifted downward. This time it didn't hurt as much. I had braced myself for the fall.

tonight is an adderall night i can already tell my day is halfway over and i slept through almost all of it last night i was so bored my cheeks hurt from fake smiling i have no interest in branching out if you can't help me, don't tell me your name save it for someone different we had a rave in my room before we went out just two lines of molly is enough to make you dance all that height distances between you and the floor, you and each other wider wider wider until it all becomes a big glow in the dark blur such a teaser too short an escape so impossible to go from there to jungle juice and loser frat boys but we tried because staying in is lame and we had our fingers crossed that tonight would be incredible and it wasn't and i tried not to care but somehow it always gets me

once upon a time, i believed in order i lined up bottles just so on counter tops I woke up at times without a hint of daylight i ignored my body's every whim and desire i wanted only to be perfectly invisible i thought it would make me beautiful flash forward to a heartbreak, a head over heels, a sweet serenade a window tattoo, some pink purple hair, and then once again back to boring brown if you think about it, no one cares about your life but you there's the necessary tasks, sure,things like making good grades and having a few people to waste the time with but other than that, all the remaining hours are yours it is perfectly acceptable to have nothing to show for your freedom no one will ever ask for an exact account if you blend in enough, if you laugh, if you cry... it's just another way of being invisible i haven't been to the gym in ages i smoke and i eat and i eat and i don't get fat i have no idea why maybe i'm magical maybe the rules of body chemistry just don't apply i never used to care much for sleeping i thought it was a waste of time i can cut away hours now 10, sometimes even 12 the motivation to get out of bed sooner, just for the sake of moving has left me all together i am weak i am human i wanted to be so much more, but now I'm not sure if i really care what's the point of having your shit together when most things just work themselves out in the end my boyfriend walked in on me cheating can you believe that? how fucking stupid how purely ordinary and yet, i hardly even cared i knew it would work out, and it did we"re practically in love now how sickeningly adorable i wish someone would shake me but no one ever does so I'll just keep on bleeding lifeless