I am still so in love with a memory a time that has passed, a million moments faded they stick into me like stones, a little white skin drawing don't break the surface the blood never comes clean i always think im happy when really i am just not thinking i want to be a science experiment caring about my life , deciding for myself is exhausting i miss you in a way that is absolute with every breath and sigh and thought i sense the essence of you behind it you talked to me today and i felt more in love than ever we are trapped in this year, in this location i want to fast forward i want to fly away the impossibility of being with you makes me sick to my stomach i don't know what to do with me besides watch movies and hours pass and try not to think so much

i am now the girl with a a window tattoo on the back of her neck, all art and colors i am someone you would stare at waiting in line and maybe wonder if i was interesting it's funny how easy it is to change the outside pretend you are bold and defiant wear black and combat boots to show you don't care but now matter how dark you make your eyeliner when you get around those who know you you remember that inside you're still weak and scared Miami girls are all so beautiful i step out into the real world, and i see it all around me the heels, the skinny jeans, the low cut tanks straight hair,lip gloss it's really just an ideal you don't have to have the right features it just has to be close enough to the model so that you disappear but me, with my window tattoo and my long hippie skirts i stick out like a sore thumb check out that chick, all my guy friends will say definitely fuckable and i'll turn my head and see another plastic copy and pretend i wish it was me rocking those heels pushing to the front of every line making boys heads turn to stare i could probably assimilate if i wanted to i am pretty in a typical way i could dress and wear my hair the same as everyone else i could be a bitch, loud and out there but at the same time, i think part of the reason i don't is the fear that i may fail and if i gave up everything to be a miami girl and somehow i still didn't cut it i really don't know what i could do with the leftovers so for now i guess i'll stick to me even though it's hard being quiet and invisible when everything on the outside screams that you are interesting

what is it exactly i am trying to accomplish? if i sleep 12 hours a night, stop listening to music stop writing, stop thinking, stop being me in any way at all who is contained inside the shell i leave to sit and watch tv how many movies must you witness before your own experience is pointless they are actors we can't forget that in real life, they are probably also bored also fearful also lost but the roles, the stories, they seem so promising i want to escape my own life and fall into a drama why should i move? what will make me? i want an awakening, like cold ice water being poured down my spine i want meaning force fed down my throat i don't know if im lazy or scared, but there is nothing in me that wishes to try i don't believe i am better than this i don't know what i think about life in general does anyone have any good philosophies? please please comment i'm dying to know how to not waste my time

i was suprised you didn't answer i waited through the day like cold clear water a vast ocean of television screen surfaces to float me through the time i wanted to see your face when the world was dark i wanted your honesty, your representation lighting up my screen last night, those fifteen minutes made me conscious in a way i haven't been in ages there is no more lightness inside your head my body, it felt so real, so responsible lifestyle design the need to choose and create is so weighty i wanted to practice not crying jim morrison thought death was beautiful jim morrison is an idiot, you said loftily i made you smile i made you laugh for a second we were normal, back to almost okay and then back under we went, to a world that is mysterious and brooding i will always love you no matter what you want to talk about after midnight you can't break my heart anymore i am so ingrained inside of you

i promise to always be nice to you that is my start here are these little words i want to feel comfortable placing out to someone as a marker of my attachment to the world i am present and living i exist there is more than regret embracing me let go, jump in and start all over matt and i had skype sex just like old times, but not at all i was so willing and animated vibrant fucking intoxicating and he was the same i saw only flesh and heavy breathing no real love screaming out nothing more than a horny teenage boy trying to get his rocks off when he left right after, i laughed i thought i would cry, but i just laughed at the stupidity of everything at how far and desperately i would travel to get back an ounce of forgiveness strangely, i think we are better now i don't feel so ashamed my new boyfriend is such a kind person so normal, so safe, so happy it has only just occurred to me that everyone else i truly care about is miserable my best friends and i are so confused pretty girls with opportunities and pills down their throats and scars on their wrists i am some sort of haunt of this category we're only just as happy as we pretend to be and i am a champion of faking smiles

i want to make my life amazing passion, spilling over my skin smooth and bright, glowing like embers there will be excitement and purpose in every step i will wake up feeling refreshed there will be a lust for everything the world has to offer see the value in it all believe other people can touch you and make your life shimmer that not everything turns to ashes i am absolutely through with hurting people there is goodness mixed inside my skin there are lights and sounds and tastes i am missing i want to experience believe in magic have a contagious aura, let everyone in this is my resolution and it always has been i no longer want to be perfect i no longer want to disappear i have seen and felt all shades of pain but for now i wish to focus mostly on the beauty there is too much suffering in this world and my pointless tears will not wash away anything smile like you mean it and deliver strength and kindness who am i, who will i be? nobody knows how to form that definition its all just a mystery changing and growing and shrinking i will live with a ferocity and always keep this in mind