i know that i am just torturing myself that when someone says they won't out of your life and it is too painful to love you anymore you should probably just let them go and so during the day when i'm wasting my time i can forget leave behind the girl who once felt your pulse in her cheek, and set her somewhere safe, like words on a page but still, no matter how many times i think i have removed her there are always little traces suddenly, when i can't sleep and it's 7 in the morning i find a fog corner of my memory where the sun is rising and i tip toe downstairs like a little kid watching you sleep safe in my house, all tucked in before i wake you with a kiss and join your warmth in the sheets when the tears come, i always think of you, regardless i know i shouldn't have texted you i sounded desperate, alone, depressed all the reasons you left after i did i think i wanted you to chase me i wanted to push you to the very edge and shake your soul i needed you to defy everything, to move the world just to be by my side and you didn't because you are human because you still have a life outside of us one that is maybe even better i can't deny you that but sometimes the selfishness gets the best of me and i just need to reach out and feel... something not reassurance, not love, not affirmation, just something to know you are still there still alive, still breathing that your eyes are still freezing blue that the memory of me is still locked away inside them i always say sorry when i interfere i don't want to be a mess for you me and you, we were always supposed to be easy best friends, a real connection we had the rest of the world together it scares me to work this hard the way that you had to, the way that you did because you loved me forever it that was meant to be enough i think that in the end, we will get over the times we hurt each other compared to the love, it was bruises i will never forget the time you told me you dreamed that i was melissa and you were ben dubiel sobbing at my funeral you will never forget the beginning of my freshman year when i came and visited and i asked if you were over me and you hesitated long enough for me to know the real answer before you said yes you are my growing up experience you have seen me, been inside, in a way nobody else can ever imagine blood, skin, bones, sweat, cum, tears all barriers of the anatomy broken even if i have never been happy, i was always least lost with you i'm sorry i didn't see that until after i ran away there is a sick twisted part of me that still believes in our someday can you imagine? after all we've been through a house, some kids, a beautiful life in the california sun me and you doing anything i know it's so ridiculous but i hope sometimes at night when you're alone and can't sleep you will shut your eyes and hear the sound of my voice in your head telling you how much i still believe you

What if you all you need to do to change your life around is to paint your outlook in a different color get rid of the self identity, the insecurity don't view the world through eyes clouded by your own lack of experience instead, make your lens wider bolden it decide that you are not really here and everything is an illusion become the background scenery who said you always had to play main character in that never ending monologue the beauty of thinking outside your soul is the feelings are only imagined, words on a page live your life like a movie she gets up, gets dressed, makes nice conversation she isn't beautiful, but who cares? most people aren't she isn't hideous no one is staring she is smart enough she can run, dance, sing a functional human being she is wanting for nothing she even has a boyfriend, not the most attractive guy in the world, but decent looking and he cares about her, is always affectionate a kiss on the cheek, a hand on her shoulder who needs more? this is good enough halfway conscious bigger picture live your life as a science experiment and the closest thing to feeling you get isn't here