I can't think of a reason to stop, so i just keep going hours and hours, sitting in the chair staring lives that aren't mine, aren't real i want to know what happens next i want to be preoccupied what i need is someone to shake me by the shoulders and tell me I'm better than this tell me that i should get off my ass and stop wasting time but nobody does and i am in a trance, trapped, alone i could switch activities, but i don't see the point no matter how i spend these hours, everything is equally useless i can either see the world as incredible or ordinary there is no in between my precious moments come either on drugs or in dreams reality is jaded i am a girl in too tight jeans supposedly having the time of her life i wanted to be here i wanted to be present, alive who am i? who is anyone? can people who think really feel complete? i just don't understand how you can recognize the failures and weaknesses of the human condition and still find a way to give your life meaning i want something that words can't describe give me sensation, make me whole or elusive care or not care i need absolute truths, colored in moments television life lie everyone is so isolated consciousness is a curse i don't wish i was dead, but i do wish living didn't take so much energy it's the simple things that get me homework, shower, make the bed all i can seem to do is sit and sometimes even that gets too overwhelming

ninteen it's as good an age as any this is the real world now kid one more year and it's an even adulthood no more coddling no more reassurance what was once a persona becomes a defined personality every action speaks volumes to who you really are I'm just trying to figure out how to shape that before someone else just decides for me there are some people in this world you just click with i wish there was a better less cliched way to explain it, but there isn't it's not chemistry exactly it's more elusive, like a game of chess where all the players are invisible and you just have to visualize the board in your mind even with that much absence you can almost sense the next move you rely on hearing, touch, taste it's so instinctual i am lucky in that i have found four people in my life like this because these are the ones that will shape you if you let them here are my interesting experiences here is my acid and my ecstasy, my mushrooms and my heroine you take the realness out of reality and everything else just slips away nobody is actually the way they present themselves it is those with an inner sense of all that is incomplete that seem to gravitate towards me give me philisophical conversations give me nihilism and exestentialism i reject the beauty of our youth i believe in make up and high heels and assimilating to our culture find what is recognizable and claim it as your own there is no point in reinvention no matter how engraved in your marrow it is, your body always carries the traces of your old life there is no turning back every mistake has been made in the darkest stains happiness is just too simple i feel everything in this world in a whirlwind

I just want to be where the sun shines down walking outside at night, for miles and miles and feel floaty and free like a magazine girl with a nice boy who cares with his hand in mine drinking mango margaritas in a crowded sunday room and the music is loud and my blood is so steady that is the moment i want to get trapped in maybe we haven't changed as much as we thought our schemas, they readjust because they have to i don't want to be in love anymore mean words, true words, shoot from my mouth like angry streaks of fire i demand answers i demand love, understanding because this shoddy imitation is no longer good enough when i have moved onto something i can pretend is still perfect when i said i loved you i didn't mean it not today, probably not even last night you hurt me and i hate you you took every breath of happy right out of me and i am sick of sobbing on the floor does it bother you that we never talk anymore? do you even miss me? until now, i didn't let myself get this intense sadness has no direction i only let tears and what ifs cloud my everything but now i see you for what you are selfish a charlatan you said you would love me forever forever is a stupid word we meant til this got old who we were last year is gone i am now a girl with sunshine on her skin and you are a boy with a bong in his bedroom shit happens people leave and you replace them with a new and improved version who still has yet to break your heart

And all i wanted was a sense of safety when the world is falling and the days turn over and there's pills for happy it gets too hard to believe in anything touch is promising the tangible, the solid body heat, physical contact that was all i could feel anymore so for a week it was perfect when i love, i radiate everything inside me becomes magnified i am fixing the realities inside my head so i don't want to sleep my life away i need to believe that i am still here rewrite the truths replace the losses when this world is all cliffs and leaps and sidewalk cracks all that's left is moments the irony is the way i expect these words to resonate when it is words most of all that have broken me i hate the promises i hate forever people are like planets, you need a thick skin everybody has their own orbits just because you give your heart does not mean that you will be met with anything to stand on maybe i should go back to swallowing my whole life, i am the girl that takes and takes i only wanted to be the sweetest girl i only wanted everybody else to feel okay to make up for the fact that i never really have center me make me substantial if i break and break and break and break all i ask is that there actually be pieces and not just fractions of dust

orange powder, lick it up palm of hands, water bottles swallowing time in little beads swallowing the cure to lack of conformity time passes by in terms of pages chapter hours, neat blocked off units i am:that much smarter that much more prepared that much more filled with something i never wanted inside last night was better he was here, in my room somebody working in the orbit somebody to lend a little warmth sleepless nights who needs dreams when you actually like your life for a change? get on that level, scrape beneath skin and bones talk about the nevers and maybes ask the unanswerable throw your brilliance and resillance around like it is a sword of the finest armor already, i feel better i do i feel better time passes faster in a good way and i am somebodys plaything i wish he was here right now aloneness seems like a long time ago who says a week is always the same amount of time? the way you spend your conscious hours absolutely changes everything i talked to matt today and i didn't need it cruel words and tone i am no longer so desperate i dont want your charity i want hope of something good i have that now i really do best night in a while hold it in my chest and sing til the room spins around i am becoming somebody i believe in and as it turns out, you're only another observer

you can replace anything you want to a cover up patch, a temporary fix i had love, of the purest and deepest brand the kind that leaves you awake and screaming at five o clock in the morning and then somehow,the good disappears it seeped out the edges before i even saw the holes like a balloon, deflating almost instantly of course i was stuck of course i was lost but no matter how much air i blow back in no matter how much breath i expended it all just fell empty again and i had to find something new let's move to the part last night when i felt the closest thing to closure there were arms involved there was body heat and hormones, but it didn't feel like carnage nice to have someone inside you who actually cares who will stay the night in your bed and kiss you in the morning im so happy im radiating this will work this will work i deserve to feel really happy and healthy and strong and calm my coping mechanism get back to where i started and this time be so much more careful at the slightest trace of unwraveling

I need to stop pretending that wallowing in the dark is an acceptable way to spend my time after the spurts of happy i get like this where there is nothing besides being in somebody's orbit that i want to be doing everything else seems so fucking pointless even this even this i don't know what to do all i want is to disappear into him and its making me terrified

i can either not give a shit or bleed myself dry there are only those two options i can't do like other girls, oh i think i like him, but i don't know i like talks clarification the this is how i feel and you better fucking reciprocate because otherwise i'll end up sobbing on the floor for years now, i have not been the guardian of my happiness that was always matt's job, and then chris's, and back to matt again i felt the way they told me to a kiss on the cheek would leave me driving home signing an unanswered text, a fight, an accusation and i became unsure of my whole entire universe i need other people we all do, but i need to focus in just one just somebody i can craft into my everything all it takes is that minimum standard of attraction and chemistry we get along well enough, you're hot enough and i can get you strung out beyond your wildest dreams there is something about safety something about being half of a whole i fall in love in minutes, moments fake love, projected futures but still somehow sincere so now enter this stage of my life where matt needs a replacement i still care so much it is breaking my chest but without that response returned, i have no idea how happy is even a remote possibility i found somebody new and i already envision our someday i take all the obstacles and flip them around until everything is perfect we will fall in love, i say i will start really enjoying this college i will introduce him to my parents and friends and it will all work out so merry merry happy three fucking days its been three fucking days but he's matt's replacement i need that level of caring it's that or not give a shit i just don't know how to find another option

maybe all i needed was a meaningful distraction guitar and singing, staying up all night a kiss that infiltrated my bloodstream an embrace that felt safe instead of temporary maybe this is the formula for fixing the broken hearted we talked for hours, about existentialism and pointlessness clock work orange, requiem, american psycho intellectual conversation makes time disappear i swear to god i didn't sleep all night and yet i'm feeling strangely fine i have always needed to have a match somebody to bounce back and forth with depressing thoughts aren't so depressing out loud we filled the air with ideas and philosophy and it's the sanest I've ever felt while thinking i know it's early but i hope this works i want another person by which i can define my year there is no better feeling than having a safe place especially once the old one you thought you could hide inside forever is gone fingers crossed happiness on the horizon watch the sky and hold my breath because things are finally changing

it's no longer my responsibility to try, he said and in those words, it all made sense if i wanted this to work, it was never going to get easier there was no better, no lighter, no happy ending everything was based entirely on my effort and suddenly i realized i was exhausted flash forward to the part where i give it up the sheets were already covered with sperm fucking white blotches on a navy blue background i don't want this i thought, right before i went under but i held my breath and i dove because there's no point in protecting what has already been damaged revert back to 10th grade, a girl who can't say no the same empty feeling the same worn out skin she goes to bed and sleep feels better than anything no dreams just unconsciousness