recently, she had been thinking a lot about matter the way things took up space in the world blocking, pushing, working against her it was so hard to get everything organized the books in one hand, the bag in the other she hated dropping things, that terrible loud crash on the floor the eyes the failure, shame she didn't want to be noticed like that she hated the structure, the solidity the way her body seemed so dense she wanted to float and glide she wanted to disappear and again with the matter, not just in the physical sense nothing besides objects seemed to matter,that is she couldn't grasp it intangible concepts like love and hope and happy weightless elements not like the ache that felt so physical and heavy a cape of i'm fine and nothing's wrong draped about her shoulders because realistically, she was fine there was no reason to complain but still she didn't care about anything motions and existing "i am so lucky" she decided to live in a world of social norms watching and imitating a blended life lie a spectrum where nothing mattered more or less than anything else eating a banana is to writing a manuscript we live and then we die and in the end, we will all be forgotten she didn't want to live really, but she didn't want to die either a trooper to the core maybe someday it will get better, or at least just stay the same once upon a time, she believed she was happy more than anything in the world she wanted to go back to that what she needed was another soul somebody to bind herself to and feed off of if she could find a person willing to hold her heaviness for a while than maybe she could discover a lightness hiding underneath

you remind me of you the way everything used to be when i would look up at you like you were an angel, the center of a universe and in turn i'd expect nothing less than the cold darkness of deep blue lakes frozen ponds, mental imagery connecticut snow please don't take me home it should be fall, but here is stuck in a perpetual summerland my hair is growing, the blonde is fading my clothes, my face it's all so normal i wake up in the morning and get back in bed i try to study i just can't care i watch a movie every day i try the organized activiities and i ask myself, where dpo you want to be? and i never know the answer writing is the onl;y thing i've ever been good at the words i say to people come out wrong, twisted i can never get it together fast enough,right enough i stumble and tremble shiver and swoon if i weren't me, i bet i'd be invincible he never answers and i don't expect him i hug the teddy bear, like a little girl regress back to childhood memories regress back to love and happiness i wasn't unhappy until i started thinking realism ruins everything i miss the pretty color lies i have decided that atleast for now, no boy can touch me stop and no brought back to life you don't want this anyway you have no idea how used i am it's called being careless i think it's a good thing i want to push them away sex that has no love makes me feel so lonely i don't want sweat or lust or passion all i can dream of is matt and singing on picnic tables our promises our dreams i still mean it when i say you have my whole heart i don't know how to get over you i don't know how to let go break my fucking wrists to get me off i just don't have the willpower

It takes years to fall in love three and a half years to be exact you have to be friends first talk for hours there's just so much content so many things and people and experiences all blank spaces to fill in and so we ask, tentatively at first what's your favorite color? what's your craziest memory? and as these get filled in, slowly maybe hours, if you do it all at once maybe days or weeks if you spread it out we get into the deep part, the place where it's not so comfortable who do you love the most? what makes you cry the hardest? so we answer honestly if we're really in for the long haul if we want the kind of love that makes your heart swell up outside of your chest and you literally can't breathe without breaking down and if we have enough in common it just keeps on going into each other we spill and spill the childhood memories the saddest funerals all of it everything stripped bare, no secrets, down to the bone once you get there, you're stuck in this place of no walls and or windows he knows everything you even let him read your journal you are my whole heart you say, and you really do mean it and so for a year you are pretend happy you are going to get married move out to California live in summer all the time but words, the same way they constructed your fantasy are all it takes to bulldoze it down three nights and i ruined everything three and a half years and i destroyed it alcohol and angry words just trying to give back the hurt pain is an ugly thing the way you carry it around in a tight steel ball just waiting to be thrown at the easiest target i want to fix everything you say im so sorry for everytime ive ever hurt you that's alot of times he says and thats all it takes, you're just gone the essence of you is still locked inside his love which is a mess, a disgusting mess dripping through your fingers you cry so hard you don't know how you do this how tomorow you can go back to class and say "this is a day like any other" and somehow, because of that connection, he sees that and as much as he hates you, he still loves you more so he comforts you he says the words you need to hear and you don't stop crying, but it helps, it helps and for that you are so eternally grateful because even if you have ruined everything you can tell there's still a spark of hope so that's what you're holding onto just in case it's worth it

upward becomes the sky and stars outward becomes a hand too far to grasp and i fall into abysses wide and narrow this is what it means to be alone when nobody can even watch you struggle and you are so locked out that the words don't even come out in the same language and nothing you write really makes much sense i should be doing Spanish homework but instead i watched tv true life: i have lost all the pieces i am here in this zone of made up stories and nothing seems to hit home anymore nobody ever has conferences about rainbows nothing free has any real value we live in a market society love is a product to sell he loves me, he leaves me he hates me, he needs me do people change? or just reset everything is so atmospheric cold vs warm light vs storm basic needs of human motivation why is it that the only things i want for myself are so intangible the dreams are so abstract i dont even know where to start wasting time, wasting time little hisses in the back of my skull break the seal i hate to feel i cry so much for absolutely no reason when we first hugged and i couldn't let go is my defining moment the smell and the warmth it brought me home i used to want to get out so bad college, i said the big bad world well now im here where are the changes? i still don't feel special i still don't feel alive we need other people to be exciting you can't be interesting if you never leave your room but i dont want to go out by myself and end up talking to nobody there are absolute truths in every lifetime i hate everybody else and all i want to do is watch tv its disgusting but i said it there is me in a nutshell a girl who in theory wants to make her life amazing but is actually too scared to even try she feels awkward everywhere she doesn't stand out she doesn't fit in instead she watches everybody else and changes into everything she wishes they were

And being here inside his warmth and comfort it feels even better than i thought it should, think it would we just click and my heart it beats and there's blood and breathe and kisses and suddenly i am happy not complacent, not okay, but actually happy i wish i could stay here forever sensory memory only lasts for .2 seconds so unless we are constantly receiving the skin only knows how to forget even just orbiting in the same space, not touching i can see myself here for years and years of lazy Saturdays there is no end to what i would do to fit correctly inside his life i would give up anything he was going to do it for me its only fair and its what i want just the time just being safe and loved and trusted i need this i need you otherwise, ill float away and nobody will even chase down the traces

if my life could be condensed into a page as i really do believe it can i wonder what words would fill the space how do we define an existence? i don't believe time is a factor there is so much wasted, so much blocked out spend an hour in the shower take five minutes just to stare off at nothing the sum of our existence is experience what have i seen, heard, done that has made me? i have so many secrets is who i am inside a reflection of the way i behave? or are those two separate entities. irrelevant i am curious what others think of me does anybody know I'm painfully over analytical? can they tell i used to be almost perfect? or do they just see a girl with too much makeup and a warm body because that's pretty much how i see everyone else i used to go on post secret and think of all the things I've never admitted i believe it's important to know what you're afraid of even if most of those things are fragments of yourself i wish i could be happy every minute i wish i saw the good in people i wish i could rediscover motivation i wish i believed in being beautiful and i fade and fade and fade but someday ill come out brightly

if i really turn my life around and emulate a person who has her shit together maybe eventually all the pieces that just want to go to sleep and try again some other day will somehow break off and spiral out and i will be left with clean white lines where i feel something like safety the idea of having nobody to talk to of swallowing every ache of waking up with nothing makes my chest open and spin and i cant remember what it was like to feel loved and not fully appreciate every moment maybe when i come home i will forget everything and i can press a reset button and begin without the scars there will be no mistakes or life erasing efficiency mcdonaldazation and eventually perhaps someone will reach out and say "hey what the fuck is wrong with you?" and i will just smile and say he loved me and i chose the weather so now i am alone in my sunshine

sleep so much too much fill my whole heart fill my heart and my bed and my skin with the warmness with comforters and darkness and nothing no dreams please no dreams he told me he dreamed about us making love and it was beautiful he told me today i was still beautiful one week and one day and i will be in his arms i hope it is perfect i hope it is magical i am running out of substance to push into my life every movie, every book feels like ive seen it heard it there's only so many different types of tragedies and then the real ones i don't belong to mellissa andrew is not my tragedy but i cant get her out of my head apparently it has been two months so unreal i see her everywhere i don't know why i didn't know her i didn't know her but she's the only dead 17 year old girl i,ve ever met and every minute i cry and sit in my room and wish to disappear i feel like im failing her i want to be happy i want to see this world as beautiful but every time i try my heart just closes up and crumbles and all i see are the thorns

perfect opportunity a bag a house two girls one boy bathing suits on the floor a bed to set the scene on when you're that fucked up you realize how nothing you do in this life can possibly matter good or bad or stupid your decisions don't really have to be yours if you just follow along with the ride the powder white, just like the movies im already so drunk though and then suddenly, like sober, but just not me a controlled state of mind of a different person somebody with confidence sex appeal the kind of girl who has threesomes and talks about it the kind of girl who just really doesn't give a fuck its just a body just a drug everything can be narrowed out or in, depending where you're standing and so i just said yes and nothing crumbled he went inside and she wathced, no touching an awkward chemistry just an extra person playing the roll of one and some might call this peculiar but at the time it was just what's expected i liked being that different it felt like having a new life it was some strange version of normal a screen play maybe someone else's words spilling from my lack of curves a drug filled paralell universe where people and events are meant to stay but for some reason, we always try to carry over as if we are still the same people without the powder and so i let him fuck me and it fucking hurt but at least i got free weed and sushi and that's what i keep reminding myself i miss matt i miss me but that's tough shit and the world keeps on a turning so maybe with enough imaginary nights i can make it my reality

when you touch the space in the course of a lifetime where everything seems so faded out and jaded maybe it's time to find a change