Let's go back to a time when i was really happy and i believed the world was beautiful just one small pill just the tiniest capsule and my eyes light up and flew out of my head and for an evening i was transformed it came on so suddenly, maybe only twenty minutes in its too early, i said out loud crazy person in a crowd, talking only to myself but somehow it was here that beautiful awakeness and like a jolt of lightinging, like a stigmata, i felt it alivealivealive i wanted more than anything to just look at the pretty colors of the sky, the horizon, everybody waiting i wanted to relish the excitement of our youth so i turned around and there he was, the center of my love and affection you, i said you you are so fucking lucky to be alive right now and he laughed and agreed and accepted my challenge i asked him about his philosiphy on life i told him about the colors in my hair, about why i had chosen miami about armin van bueran and how i was here at this new rave, this new place without any friends because i was sick of sitting in my room and i really wanted to take a chance i am normally so shy and awkward, i said i fucking love this, the beauty, the magic this is my moment im on top of the world i even told him about mellisa and how i did not know her i could have felt that way forever, died inside that moment and nothing could have been more poetic and amzingly, god bless this boy, he listened he contributed he stayed with me all evening and brought me back to my home safe he didnt have to but he did and it was so wonderful to rip myself open, expose all the scars and stitches and have somebody still want to stick around i could have this boy again if i wanted, but i chose to let him go some things are better left in their places, as drug filled halluciantations there is a boy and he was real but i am sober now and i remember i am still in love with the person who knows me most in this world and i never want that to change i am going to visit for four whole days in just two weeks and inside my heart is singing matt does love me, he swears it, and im going to make him remember how to feel in the heartbreaking nonstop crying way i do we will hug and cry and laugh and make love and it will be beautiful because i believe it so everything in the entire world i would give up just for one more promise of forever i am so worn out of the i dont knows lie to me please just give me words and then together we will be healed and the sun can stay out for always

and i know i swore i wouldn't feel sorry for myself but right now i honestly feel so unloved and isolated that the tears just cant find a way to stop flowing i lost my phone, such a small stupid thing and now every connection i had or almost had is gone matt matt is breaking my heart he knows how much i need him i hate it, but i do and he wont answer fb or skype or anything i have left what if he no longer loves me? what if he found somebody else? and i type and i type and all that comes out is nonsense, repetition nobody ever even comments on my journal anymore how can i fix this? how can i dissapear to the point i no longer care?

tonight i don't feel like writing about me because every word i have inside my soul has been said and the order doesn't matter because we all get the same message essentially: i am lonely and lost without absolutely zero confidence and no one likes to be alone so here we go ill invent something new to make myself feel better and maybe we can all slip inside Katie sat and played with her hair for hours or minutes, she wasn't quite sure "Katie", she heard, the voices, in her head, outside, she couldn't tell all she knew was her hair, the straight browness, the dead ends, the tingling prick on the top of her scalp reminding her this body was still sort of breathing hospitals creeped her out she didn't want to be here on this saturday night with strangers in tight black clothing "Katie" again and again as though that stupid word was all it would take to get her back when she got like this what was this? nothingnothingnothing she could disappear it was her secret power her saving grace she didnt want to be here and so she was simply gone as she drifted around in her cloud of dust, eyes zoning out turning faces into unidentifiable blurs, pieces of reality began rising to her consciousness she could feel them creeping up, not quite interfering but they would they would and there was nothing she could do to stop them this is your life so just go fucking live in it who was that? her? a stranger? a god? song clouds magic melodies floated over her brain we're not really here, but we're really not there she could wake up if she wanted she could face this and suddenly like a snap, she felt a hand grab her arm and that was it, the absorption so total and terrifying she just had to give in. like a gasp she felt her hands and heart start again and she was crying and walking and everyone said thank god she's alright you really fucking freaked us out there and they all went back to the car they drove her home of course because that's the right thing to do when a girl you don't know all that well decides to disappear at a party, and so her dorm room door shut without any protest "thanks", katie said "no problem" said the guy who walked her up, had been sent, whos name was either rick or matt or anything really, she just had no idea on her bed, the one that wasn't hers, katie sat and looked at the ceiling and wondered why she always did that, made everyone hate her i do not belong with them i am so invisible really, she just wanted to see if anybody would notice really, she just wanted to see how far it could get could she slip away completely? she always hated coming back nobody ever asked why or what happened they just accepted and that repulsed her i am so strange and lonely, she thought she slept a dreamless wonder about how the world would someday change and everyone would smile and then she could perhaps stand to stay in her skin

until you don't have anymore to give every word you write is just taking up space lets take this journal for example where is this going? when i am 34 years old, i highly doubt there will even be a songmeanings.net so unless i find a safe place to save this everything eventually will just be blacked out as if all the hours i spent typing never existed in the first place i struggle with the pointlessness of the human condition, the way we work so hard for today and tomorrow, even though we're all heading to the same drop off in the end what does it mean to live purposefully? if anyone knows, please fill me in i often don't like being with other people because the nature of the conversation is almost always just empty nobody likes to talk for real we talk about shoes and tests and desk lights, hours and hours of making noise, avoiding aloneness i like to watch movies im not sure if thats worse or better i feel like everything we could possibly do is simply an avoidance strategy we refuse to admit that we are unspecial so we create these lives with all these subsets and expect people to care how we fill them with stuff and time and space theres no reason to stop but i just feel done perhaps tomorow ill be singing something sweeter

i want to write something so beautiful it will literally take all the poison and weakness out of my bloodstream and negate it, change it, into something pure i want people to smile and shake and feel alive and loved and apprecaite all the good moments and the memories and say thank you, just thank you for this unforgettable ride i hate feeling so trapped and worthless inside, at the heart center, i envision the faintest traces of light if i wanted, and i mean really truly fully wanted, i could be an incredible person i need to get motivated stop with the excuses stop with the pity there is a girl who died and i made her a promise that i haven't been keeping i swore i wouldnt cry anymore about my own life because this is a world where seventeen year old girls can die doing nothing wrong and the only way i can think of to counteract something so fucked is to smile to have good energy and light and to help others see it i am rainbow trapped inside a canyon there is so much of me that wishes to give and love and change but its all blocked out by the parts that are afraid i am not sure i can handle so much empathy i dont want to hurt and wasting time alone the way i do makes me safe because without other people there's nothing dark and unfamiliar to deal with but i feel so deflated i am better than this there is no me, as a seperate entity there is only the human condition time to melt into a collective consciousness enough with the i enought with bruises smile until our cheeks hurt laugh until we're convinced the sadness was a dream this is what it is to be alive in america in the 21st century and everyday we're making history believebelievebelive change is hard but its definitely possibly so here i go ready to try

when i decided to come to miami, i truly in my heart of hearts believed this city would rock my world i saw beautiful people with big bright smiles, celebrities, alcohol, any drug at your finger tips so i said yes i didnt think of matt i didnt think of me, the old me, as a i was, the girl with the rainbow hair i just sAW THE PROJECTION LIKE A FLYING STAR AND I JUMPED OFF THE EDGE OF A CLIFF TO GRAB ON and i caught it, i did, but only by my finger tips clinging, clawing, begging it was so hard and draining, took so much work to stay young and beautiful i hadnt thought about the superficial or if i had, i assumed i would fall into it, like a clear blue stream of utopia but just because i had a tight gymnast body and a few pairs of designer jeans, didnt make me beautiful without the hours of effort, without the long brown hair, i was so ordinary and in miami, ordinary doesnt get you shit but since i was trying, really really trying, i got in by luck and determination i went to the clubs i flirted and danced but all i could think of were my hurting feet and how at home i could wear fucking flip floops and jeans to a club if i wanted and have the night of my life in miami, though, you dont go to clubs to dance you go to debut your new american apparel dress and steve madden death heels so all the grimy promoters can whisper in your ear about how sexy you are and you fall away into the fictitious and suddenly i woke up one day and realized "i am living the life of my dreams and as it turns out, i didnt want this after all" who you are with is more important than where you are, always if someone says they'll love you forever and they mean it, you should stay even if its cold and boring where they are because now im alone and drained of effort adderall is the only way i can think about schoolwork, the laughable joke that we're supposedly here for and my friends dont know who i used to be and nobody has hair with rainbow colors so ill fall and fall into all my words and scream watch the sky with the voice in my head because i miss you and us and being loved but my only option is to fake a smile and admit that i was wrong

i know it was the drugs, but i've never been so happy smile, i screamed everybody smile i have so much good energy, my heart is so full i love this place everybody be so happy we are young and beautiful and living in miami we are so so lucky i was contagious, an electric storm reach out and light up the world i talked to myself and just said thanks and now its tomorow and my eyes are tired and the dullness is rushing back in but i really want to hold on to that feeling forever i was the brightest star and i lived so hard nobody will ever dim me

i like being alone, i do watching movies, reading, sleeping filler motions, safety but not all the time i get lost in my head thoughts overwhelming guilt and i dont know what to do theres nobody to reach out to my whole personality held inward, shoveled down one big inside out volcano text message sent with no response nobody likes me im not sure why i care i dont like them either but i hate thinking so much i need to get out and be distracted i want to fake a shine i want to leave my shelters

I never mean to start the fire i back away from bright lights, high spaces blending like camouflage i want to appear as a stick figure flat on paper she yells and yells while i nod my head i say what she wants to hear i curse all the fractions inside my heart of desire see, this is what happens when you try to create a space for yourself go with the flow before it crashes over your head and drowns you people who can't handle life amaze me i dont brag about my tears i am a girl who cries in bathrooms i could never scream outloud about how broken i am no right to suffer somehow it only works for me everybody else lives life in single focus there are no natural disasters, no fires, no hurricanes the breakups, the drama is so much more immediate and somehow that makes it a desirable distraction hold onto the lyrics, hold onto them dear, because in the end they're all i have here

why does nobody answer the phone when you really need them to?