Ive written about pain tonight. Im feeling it. I had a stressful day at work..just really busy,and tons of payroll. My day blew by...and I ended up working 1 hour overtime, just to make all the ends meet nicely. Im a bit of a freak about that. I like my office left nice and neat. I like all the days paperwork put away,I like to wipe down my desk..and have everything ready for the next days work. I do the same with the kitchen. I dont like dishes from last night (well, a cup or something is ok..Im NOT that anal retentive) put away, my counters clean..and floors swept. I like a clean kitchen in the morning, when I get my cuppa. Im not a morning person..so I prepare the night before. Clothes picked out,showered and ready to go. I went to the dentist today...again. Saturday..was a cleaning. today, was some small 10 minute procedure, to do something, with my back cap. I dunno..it was to file something down. It felt better when he flossed it...since Ive been having trouble flossing back there. He got 200 bucks for that. Jezz...Im in the area of work. I should have been a dentist! He then offered, to perfect my smile. Ive never had that done before. I was always told, I needed braces. NOPE, I could get porcelin crowns..or bonding done. 3 teeth..for 2,500. I would have a whole new, white PERFECT smile. WOW...Now there is something, for me to think about. Ive always hated my smile. I have british teeth. Crowded.Overbite. I just hate them. I am in the 2nd day of bleaching them..they come up a nice shade of white..when I do this every 2 years. But still...I hate my smile. I had one man, appreciate and tell me he loved my smile...if only I had a reason to smile. I would take a photo..and give that man the biggest smile, I could muster. The heat here today, was unbearable. It felt like hell on earth. It was so humid..I felt like I was sitting in a jungle. I hated it..and I couldnt breathe. Nothing fun about heat that feels like 31. Thank god, I work iN A/C. I went for a long walk tonight, with a friend. We walked in the sticky hot air..less humid, because the sun set for well over 2 hours. My poor dog was exhausted. He couldnt wait to get back. We talked about her life...and my life. My life, as I let the world see..my job, my child..and my heart life. Yes..She knows about David. But, not his name. I need someone to talk too. A woman..to tell me Im crazy, Im normal, all mixed into one. Someone to listen to me rant and rave..someone to listen to my insecurities, while she rubs my shoulders while I cry. A woman, who holds my secrets. I am the holder of hers..and her mine. Its a even trade. I trust her. I came back with sore feet, and a tired heart and mind and body. I dont want to talk anymore. Im talked out tonight. Yet..here I am ..going on and on..about nothing. I used to enjoy babbling to David. He never minded it..or he was too much of a gentleman to tell me his did mind. Either way, bless his heart. Now...I turn to this. A blank screen. A blank canvass. No one reads it. No one responds. No one is there. I am not an exciting person. I lead a pretty boring life. Some would say,..Im pathetic. I wouldnt argue. I will take that medal. Some days its a mountain climb...every second. Some days, I want to succumb. Somedays..I just exsist. But there are these...words. words..do they really mean anything? DO they make an impact? Does someone read them...and understand, and think "i know what she is going threw?" Or..do they mutter that Im wasting time, and effort writting all this dribble? Do I or should I care? Writing is a form of therapy. so, why am I not feeling better? I can't hide the way I feel about you anymore I can't hold the hurt inside, keep the pain out of my eyes anymore My tears no longer waiting...my resistance ain't that strong My mind keeps recreating a life with you alone And I'm tired of pretending that I don't love you anymore Let me make one last appeal to show you how I feel about you...hmmm Cause there's no one else I swear, holds a candle, anywhere, next to you My heart can't take the beating of not having you to hold A small voice keeps repeating deep inside my soul... It says I can't keep pretending that I don't love you anymore I've got to take the chance or let it pass by If I expect to get on with my life With my life... And I can't hide the way I feel about you anymore And I can't hold the hurt inside, keep the pain out of my eyes anymore My tears no longer waiting Oh, my resistance ain't that strong Oh, my mind keeps recreating a love with you alone And I'm tired of pretending I don't love you anymore...

She stayed up all night and cried into her pillow And fought off the urge to just break down and call Last night to find the fault seemed so darn easy But now whose to blame don't matter much at all She thinks if she calls him it just shows weakness So the hurt goes on with every tear she's cried Ain't it sad to see a good love fall to pieces Chalk another heartbreak up to foolish pride Chorus: Turn out the lights the competition's over The stubborn souls are the losers here tonight And while the bridges burn, another hard-hard lesson's learned As through the ashes passion slowly dies And this romance goes down to foolish pride He relives every word they spoke in anger He walks the floor and punches out the wall To apologize to her would be so simple But instead he cries I'll be damned if I'll crawl If he loses her he's lost his best friend And that's more then just a lover can provide So he wrestles with emotions that defeat him Chalk another love lost up to foolish pride dedicated to David. I find these lyrics hit home. I heard them in the truck the other day..and had tears come to my eyes. Im so nervous latley. Time is ticking away, and Ive yet to get a decision from him..wheather I can come down to see him or not. When he says no (which Im kind of exspecting really) Do I challange that, and come anyway? Why cant people, say yes..when they really want yes...and no, when they honestly mean no. Im so not good at this I said no...but wanted you anyway stuff. Damn..Im such an idiot. I should have come months ago..not now. Not now...his feelings have changed. I know they have. they had to have been settling. he said he was even "healing". Healing is good...when you accept the matter, and move on. Hes moving on. I read into that. Hes walking down that hallway, and there is nothing I can do to stop him from walking away from me. let me tell you, there is nothing more helpless, more hopeless..than seeing your everything walk away from you. Reasons...he has them. BUT, I do too. BUT I chose, to say "we can get threw this, we can see this threw..because I believe in us..I believe in what we had..I believe in love". But what if..he has no more love? He said he is like ash. I too..have parts of my heart..that are like a burnt out house...but I believe in climbing that mountain, and trusting the road that we travelled that wasnt easy...the road that seen troubles and trials, I believe we made it so far together, for a purpose. For a reason. It was WORTH every MILE for me David. It was worth every STORM for me David. It was worth every TEAR for me David. You are worthy. You were worthy all along. You are worth every mile. He doubts our love, the back of his heart..does he know that love is not for quiters? We have to keep going forward...and agree that miles are worth it. They build character, storms make you stronger...you know each other more. When the going gets tough...I could always count on your smile. And lookig back now...I can say ..it was worth every mile. David was worth every mile.

Sunday: Was a good day. The preacher didnt yell and shake his finger today...as much as normal. I hate it when he does that. Does he think I do not listen to him? The lord gave me 2 ears..and 1 mouth. I listen more..and talk less. Or at least that is my goal. His message was on being content. WOW...now there is something I needed to hear. So, do I settle for this? Is this "as good as it gets"? Do, I fight tooth and nail, for a better life? Do I take the easy road? Do I take the high road..full of uncertainity, full of "what ifs"? Too many questions to answer tonight. Thats for sure. I want better, I want so much better. I know, I will NOT settle for now and only this. I know, I can do better. Will I be alone? Will I meet someone new? Will I live with the man, who owns my heart? So many unanswered questions. I cant think of answers. not now. Not tonight. Perhaps the answers scare me. Thats fine, I can live with scard tonight. I watched George Michael in Blue Ray tonight. The concert took my breathe away. He is stunning, the concert,..the lights the lazers ..all the people, transported me back to the Air Canada center when he visited us that hot Summer night. I can still remember every detail of that concert. That night, had to be one of the best nights of my life. Having David there, would have elivated it to a hole new level...but, he wasnt. I would have loved him to be there. My best friend and I..danced and screamed like silly teenagers. We got stared at, and didnt care. No..we were not acting our age. Fuck that..it was George Michael..and one night. We let our hair down..and rocked out. We high 5'd everyone around us...hugged and sang with strangers around us. The girls behind us from the USA said, we were typical canadians. They said we were "so friendly and overly poliet" I mean, I was apologizing, for getting in their view, when I had my hands up. :P They were great ladies...so, was the gay couple beside me. So poliet..and they didnt mind..that I bumped into them almost every 4 seconds with my wild dancing. He just smiled..and continually said "your so cute when you dance". huh...a cute BBW dancing around...now thats something, I dont normally hear everyday. Poor guy, he must have had bruises on his arm by the time he left the concert. Today was a good day. I walked in the sun..and enjoyed making a roast for dinner. Surprise company arrived..so of course, I forgot it in the oven for an extra 10 minutes. It wasnt as pink as I would have liked. BUT, none the less...talk about full of flavour, and so good. YUM! My daughter and I made the potroast together..and video taped it. Her big idea..had me in a bundle of nerves. But, it seemed to work out ok. I published it to youtube. Should be interesting to see the comments, if I get any at all. If they are positive, her and I decided to make some more. Its a nice way of bonding with her on Sundays..and she LOVES cooking. Shes so cute..she mentioned "dirt" in it..all I could do was chuckle..and say well, "Hygenic reasons really..but its all good" :) I listened to George, and now Rascal Flatts...music that makes me feel good. Im gearing up for another hectic Monday...and I needed something to make me feel good.

Typical Saturday...seems my life, is an endless exsistance of routine. It gets old real fast...combine that with a broken heart, lonliness, anxiety and Im a bundle of nerves. All I want to do is walk. Walk..Id walk or drive to the ends of this earth let me tell you. It seems to be the best way, for me...to sort out this existance some call life. Some would say, and I would agree..Im only exsisting. Breathe in and out, wash, work eat and repeat. No smiles, no laughter. Sleep doesnt come easy. Depression, sadness..and seeing Davids eyes and face everywhere. I dream of him. Its always been that way, but more so...absence of him, is killing me. So, my body compensates for it...dreams. Vivid dreams..some I will not disclose here, some I swear I have kissed him in real life...I wake up, and I can literally taste him. Ive officially lost my mind. I knew that 6 months ago. I cant see an Arizona drink can in the supermarket...with out crying..or wanting, to dismantle that display case...and smash it to the ground. I saw 2 Arizona licence plates recently on a trip out East. I sped up...and stayed behind those cars. I trailed both cars for several hundred klms...why? because, they were vehicles in the same state as him. How stupid is that? How crazy am I? Im following cars...because, they are in his state? Thinking, perhaps, they drove on roads near his house. ive officially..lost my mind. am I obsessive. Most indeed. I know I am... For the life of me, this man, is unlike anyother Ive had in my life. Hes so different, than the other men. SO DIFFERNT. I will not go into all the differences, ...but its those differences, that attract me to him. Like a moth, to a light on a hot summer night. Hes unlike any man, Ive ever loved...and he not leaving me. Why? Why? Can I not just leave him like the rest. GOD knows..I have attempted. its not working. I dont know what Im doing wrong. Am I destined to be with him? Now..or in 30 years from now? Is he my soul mate? SOme would argue that all together. What is it? what is it? how is it...that he has been able to walk? How? because I cant. I dont know if I can...Ive attempted, only to be like a child attempting to walk. I continually stumble and fall..over and over. Im tired of bleeding. Im tired of hurting. Ive never felt or hurt like this in my whole life. He is my nemisis. I am finding little help in music now. I only gravitate towards slow sappy songs...that make me end up crying..while sitting on the kitchen floor while, I hold a vegetable. I have no appetite. I eat to live...or I survive off sugar. I drink Lemonaid now. Ive never drank Lemonaid from the can. I always made it from scratch. Its my new addiction. Its non carbinated..and flows down my throat at mock speed...all while, I try to quench a thirst..that I can never quench. I call it my "liquid fat". sugar turns to fat...and Ive got to be bringing on an extra 10 pounds doing this...or Im going to make myself a diabetic. Im pathetic. I know I am. You dont need to tell me. I went to the dentist today, and I almost enjoyed the pain. Now...i know how transfeering the pain from my heart...to my body, feels. I am going to watch a movie...and try to feel numb. Only 1 drink tonight..and let it be a strong one. I have really laid of drinking...I know it upsets David. My drinking upsets him...as much as a website he gave up for me. I will admit...ive craved my liquid hammer. the hammer, that allows me to feel no pain. the hammer, that allows me to forget his face...if only for a few hours. The hammer, that allows me to sleep initially. That hammer has got me into knee deep trouble. Its not a good thing...liqour. One drink cant hurt. Not tonight...not when I miss him so bad tonight. Not when I really need to see his face, his smile. Not with an decision that is incoming for me. I pray for his decision, to be positive, and a yes. I pray for it. why is my heart..and my mind screaming the opposite? Why are they saying...it will be "no..your a fool girl". Wheres that drink....God do I need it. "From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart" "Never look back," we said How was I to know I'd miss you so? Loneliness up ahead, emptiness behind Where do I go? And you didn't hear All my joy through my tears All my hopes through my fears Did you know, still I miss you somehow [CHORUS:] From the bottom of my broken heart There's just a thing or two I'd like you to know You were my first love, you were my true love From the first kisses to the very last rose From the bottom of my broken heart Even though time may find me somebody new You were my real love, I never knew love 'Til there was you From the bottom of my broken heart "Baby," I said, "please stay. Give our love a chance for one more day" We could have worked things out Taking time is what love's all about But you put a dart Through my dreams through my heart And I'm back where I started again Never thought it would end

Stevie Wonder A hands down favorite of mine. This man, is up there with classics like George Michael and Freddy. His music, brings it home in every case of the word. Ive added this song to my IPOD rotation today. I love it..but, sung by George. I dont feel like writting much. Im tired. Im working on 3 days of little to no sleep. I think I might get 5 hours if Im lucky. Thats hard on a woman, who needs 8-10. Im making mistakes at work. I lost my work keys today...and searched for over 30 minutes..got into a right panic...only to find them in the door handle. I made tea..and got distracted...turned around..and added coffee to top it up. YUK! Thats the small stuff, Im too proud to mention the work related stuff. I did some small errands after work...as Im flying out to Arizona to check on David. I need to gather a few prep things.Im terrified...flying to the USA is a first for me. I feel safer in my car..Ive been to NY and Buffalo. thats nothing....you have this saftey area around you. Flying out..shuttling out 4 hours to his area..and getting to the motel (how do I even get there?)..is terrifying me. Im a suck..and I get scard in new places. Ill admit..In an insecure traveller. I came home, made dinner..and fell asleep in my lazy chair for 2 hours. Well, interupted every 10 minutes...then drifting off. Im exhausted. Im a fucking mess....just a fucking mess, Im worried..and tired..and heartbroken. Im going to bed.

One- Faith Hill I havent been able to get this bloody song out of my heart..my mind, and from coming out of my mouth. I sing it all the time..and I find it so darn catchy on so many levels, and the guitar hypnotic. I find songs...often say, which I have such a hard type communicating. Often I communicate...but way to bluntly..or I say No..when I really meant "YES"...in fear of being the only person,...who feels that way. Its amazing..how women...(NOT all of us) but from what Ive witnessed..will sometimes, say what we believe the other person really wants to "hear"...with it not really being what we FELT. totally highschool...totally. Some of us..dont get over that hurdle. So, we say or write..what we want our lover wants to hear...or what we think they want to hear. So, we stuff our feelings down..and just pave the concerete over to make it smooth. Trouble is..those feelings, are there. They never left...they were never exspressed. They simmer to the top....and you are left, feeling "unheard"...because, you told the person,..what they thought they "needed" to hear..or you said it..so you never pissed them off. Complicated? Totally. Inmature? Totally...But I know people do it. Im not sure why 100% I do this shit. Its I who ends up suffering in bed at night..crying...because, I let things get so out of hand. Tell me these lyrics are not beautiful. I tried with all my might But still don't understand why we ever let it get so out of hand My arms are reaching out and holding on tight To what has always felt so right It's hard to figure out the answers to the questions When both our lives are going in separate directions CHORUS: One is breaking into two And my heart is turning blue And you still don't get it, do you, do you I thought we had all the love to go it for the long run So before the damage is done Let's start back over at one Lights out when every evening used to get so hot Now we got so damned distracted we forgot How to lock the world away and just get lost in where you end and where I begin Love is strong but it's so easy to divide So boy let's think about how much is on the line Im missing David really really bad. Im totally WORRIED about him as well. Im weak...like a lamb, who has walked away from her shepard. Im lost...and said "I dont need to hold your hand"...when In deed..I meant the opposite. (see above). To much friggin drama? your damn straight. Doesnt mean I dont love that guy still. With all the shit that has happened in a 6 month span..why is it..some hearts never let go? Now ..for the first time in my life, I understand, how somepeople can love ex's for years..even after they have moved and re married. Some people, meet their ex's years later..being divorced..and re marry that "lost love". I can only dream that would be my fate. this man, impacted my life..more than he thinks he did..and more than I told him he did. Im insainly jealous over him. I freak when he looks at other women...let alone, when he talks to other women, when it comes to women..and him, I see red. Now..Im not violent about it. But, Instead, I get insecure..and ask "what have they got..or what are they talking about, that he cant talk to me about?". My self esteem, takes a kicking..all while, I reach for him. The attention he did give, was recieved...but, not appreciated to its FULL potential. It was appreciated. JUST...needed to be more. let me tell ya...if I knew now, what I had back then...I wouldnt be crying over spilt milk. I worry, because, he has so much going on his life at the moment, I believe he might "break". he has mentioned....thoughts of suicide. I dont believe, or he says "he would never do it..as a christian". But the fact that the THOUGHT is there..is enough to send my alarm bells off full circle. I dont beleve in people saying things of a suicide nature..but following it up with "but I wont". Ask any parent, or lover...of a dead loved one..with a note..and they will say in some cases "I didnt think they were serious..or ..they mentioned it..but, I didnt think they would do it". This is what I see. I see a cry for help...but with a "I will be fine" at the end. Well...why make the statement to start? So...Ive decided to ask my parents for money..to go and see him. He may very well, stand at the door and slam it shut on me. Im exspecting me to be standing in his residence, with me ringing the buzzer..and there being no answer. Just like his phone. This man, never answers the phone. Now you know why Im getting worried over here. If It takes me 2 days,for him to yell at me, to vent all the anger and resentment...and hate and pain, I will turn my back and let my back be slashed. I deserve it totally. He has walked away from his relationship..with me having the blood on my hands. I know Ive hurt him. Ive hurt him deeply...where he says there is no longer "love" there. No forgiveness, to be found. Id like to know..can termendous care...be a form of love? Somemay argue yes...but he wont say it..most will say, its care..and nothing more. I believe without forgiveness, the pain, and resentment and anger will consume a soul..and kill it. He is not the man, he once was. I am the blame. I will take the blame. However, I have reached out my hand..in the effort to rebuild him. Not tear him down..as he is convinced of. Only with Forgiveness...can healing begin. When healing happens, then life can once more be enjoyed. My feelings, are so mixed up. I feel stranded, and like a lone soldier left in the field..with my helicopter..in veiw miles away, from leaving me. I feel infected..for various reasons. NOT him..but threw another avenue. I also feel the Devil, has infected my realtionship with him..and took advantage of the thousands of miles between us..and the years since physical contact. I believe it is possible, to still love someone 100% with the absence of them.AS long as there is hope of seeing them. The heart is a complicated thing..and it knows no borders. No limits. Your mind remembers everything..and holds on to scents, and images from years past. Ask any army wife...she will tell you...time passes slowly...time may come between them, but ...she doesnt love him anyless. Ive asked myself...why him? why not just move on? I have in the past. But, never with success. Why is it...that women can date men over and over and continue to date "bad boys" or losers in a looped pattern? some would argue we 1) subconsciously are looking for our fathers. 2) we like the opposite of ourselves. We like that "rough around the edges" man...that makes us feel good 50% of the time, even when the other 50% of the time is aweful. bad Boys..are also known to be fiercy over protective and jealous over them..and most females, love that. It makes her feel very "special".Caveman days? I would say so. But Let me tell you.Its a loosing game. Your heart is empty, the walls have holes and dents...and you get tired, of ducking from his slipper coming at you. So, you stand up when you can to your "bad boy" (and Ive dated at least 3 of these losers) when you feel its "safe" to do so. God forbid, if you slip..because,..you had better prepare. That is where I find some understanding in the song Eminem - Love The Way You Lie ft. Rihanna I heard that song..and I cried. I found parts of my life, was in that song. I had one ex that reflected this song. The passion and intensity we had when things were good...was what songs were written of...BUT, he had an ugly side, he would tell me, that if I left him..hed jump from his roof.No one "left him". Then, he said..that if he went "I would go with him"(I'mma tie her to the bed And set the house on fire) It would follow with "im sorry" rings, and necklaces, and roses..and money. He threw money it at me..I never wanted for anything. But...it was false. Money, doesnt make you love someone. But with those actions of over protectiveness, and jealousy...a woman, can be tricked into thinking its "love" and that she must be so "special" for him to act that way. the intensity...can be mistaken for love. I had another Ex...who when at a club..when another man..whom I had no IDEA was dancing behind me..so, he decided to go at him with it. We were all kicked out of the club..but, I was furious at the violent action he took. I remember him saying "no one sizes my woman up". I remember at that moment, feeling like some grade of fucking "Beef". anyways, I saw his temper. It was hot..and he was SO insecure. I would have a guy just glance at me in the mall..and he would accuse me, of 1) knowing him and not telling him or 2) initiating it. This small "event" would balloon ..into a full fight. He would yell at me so close to my face I was spat on. So, I got up to leave. He grabbed my arm..that I had bruises on my arm for a week...he grabbed me that hard. But, I never called his bluff...this loser hit his mother, 3 days before our wedding. I knew at that point, I couldnt marry this animal. This bad "boy" was not going to win. I brought my 2 brothers with me, as they sat in the coffee shop..as I handed back his ring. I told him..if you punched your mom...your going to kill me. He stalked me for a long time after that. I had to end up moving, and living with family, and I had people from work..get rid of him from across the street of my job. The roses eventually stopped...with the stupid cards of "I love you, I wouldnt hurt you". bad boys dont always WIN. I can name at least 5 of them, in my life who didnt. The DH I live with now...was originally kinder the rest. But..over the many years, I have fallen totally out of love with him. No sex, no nothing. Just...a child.We share a child. We are like housemates...however, he still believes he "ownes" me. Because, I am the mother of his child..I am to cater to him. Cook, clean, ect...and if I back talk..or get out of line..he threatens me with shit like "Ill take her, and you and your family wont find her again". Or..I get the fist threw the dry wall. I have spots where his fist has come at me, and Ive ducked. He wont let me patch them..as it serves as a "reminder". What a crock of shit huh? so, Im making plans to once more, step out and leave this Decemeber. I need to be with a man,...who loves kind and gentle. that man, was David. Who blessed my life 3 years ago...and I havent regreted it. He is not a bad boy. He is a soft, christian, kind and gentle soul. A Pacifist, a smart intelect...who challanges me..and still shows love at the same time. My rough "edges" were hard on him. I didnt know any different..in treating men. Ive always thought love was a boxing match...but threw David..I realized it isnt, and shouldnt be..and that threw him..I could have been given the chance to see what a softer and intimate love would have been. He is the reason...I believe in passion, and love. He is different..he believes he is the underdog...but, I dont think so. The meek shall inherit the earth...and the meek, normally out stand and last the longest, I have found. He is a man, that in the first time, has made me want to CHANGE and become a BETTER woman. There is a first. Ive never felt I needed too...because, when you are in a "love sport"...i always had to wear boxing gloves for survival. He is the first man, whom Ive been able to disrobe, and take those gloves off. He is the man who "see's me". He sees me for all my good, bad and ugly. He see's my stubborness, he sees my insecurities, and my pain. He is my protector. He makes large choices in his life..even to recent, to "protect" me, which meant a huge sacrifice on his end. He worries for me, as I do for him. He is a person, of feelings...that is uncommonly seen intodays world. I am NOT used to it..and therefore miss it. I know I wouldnt miss it...if I could see his face/ deal with him daily. He is intense in feelings and emotions...that It often flys over my radar..and I miss it all together, only catching it days later..when its often too late. Hes a loving person...whom, when he finds her ( what a fool as I?)...is going to be loved beyond anything, Im sure she has ever known. He is accepting and patient. Kind..and gentle. this is why, I am still and I believe will stay in love with him. I feel in love with an angel...how often does that happen? He has made his decision to walk away from me...my sharp edges make him bleed..and he cant take the pain, that I inflicted, or my rash or my quick to anger ways. I am the lesser person. My qualities are CHEAP to come by. Tons of women, can sew. Tons of women, can cook and bake and clean,..and work a full time job, and do the budget. These are qualities that millions of women are doing now..and they do it just as good, if not better than I. No, I believe it is he..that is rare. I was kissed and touched by an American Angel.

The Journey Alone I have a "blogg" that I normally write in. However, I have started a new chapter. Because, music...is so deep and essential in my life...its words..its rythem, its beat, its meanings...its soul..its everything... This will accompany me, on my Journey. I cant think of a better place, than this site..to exspress my life, my journey, my pain...my failures right here, along side the music I so love. I love all types of music. I grew up with music always on in the house...and it was always different. I grew up as a young child, listening to the 70's with my sisters...pumping it threw head phones. In my babybook...It was written "she could dance before she could walk". My father was a lover, of rock. Rolling stones, Supertramp, Rush, Rod Stewart and ACDC, Led Zepplin..... My mother was a disco lover. She loved the softer side of life. Barbara Striesand, Gordon LIghtfoot, Bee Gees... My Sisters- were disco queens. They were in their teens..and great dancers. My younger Brothers- Well, the oldest..he was a lover of metal. ACDC KISS, METALICA, RUSH, Judas Priest..anything with loud guitars..and he was into it. The youngest brother...you guessed it "rap". It was loud, and full of life..and had a heart beat. Run DMC,KRS1,Public Ememy and of course the Beastie Boys. ME? Well...Im complicated. I loved and learned to love and appeciate it all. I can enjoy metal, and hard rock. I can dance to ska..hip hop, reggae, dance hall...I can find my heart in dance, pop, house, classic chicago house, trance, deep house, as well as Blue grass country...I remember that being played in my Grandmothers house...along with Italian music. Opera...I grew up listening to Pavarotti...and learning to appreciate him and others in Opera. God Bless her...with out her, I wouldnt be well rounded! Ive had music with me all my life. Every step of the way...every event. I had or have a song, for every feeling. Its evolved over time. Ive matured...in some way, not so much. I enjoyed as a teenager, what my freinds did...club music. All the while..studying Flute. Classical Flute. My main area of study was vocals, second flute and third...writting. My vocals were always loud. I was a alto..and was always put at the back of any choir..and always beside the boys...I could go to "help" them if directed.(someone was missing) My entrance into a music school...was demanding. Long days...and longer nights, in bands and choirs. All while having to manage a 80% percentile rate across the years. It sucked...but It enriched me. I see that now. I struggled,and still struggle with reading music. Ive never been able to "get it" No matter, who tried to teach me...I just saw dots...BUT..what I did have, was a keen ear, and a memory. You could play something on the flute...or sing it to me 2 times...and I remembered it. Flat out...remembered it. I wish my memory for other things in life, were that good! So, I stuggled, and failed theory...but was ok, in practical. I got threw highschool...and said, I would never play flute again. And ...I havent. I said, I would never sing again. For the most part...I havent. I do in the car..and in the shower. I do to my daughter, and at family "happy birthdays". But...I did sing for David. I recorded my songs for him. This man, made me want to SING. Something, I havent wanted to do...in years. David, brought my song back in my life. David was my music. It also, helped David was a musical person, himself. He met me, and played guitar for me while singing..."father figure". I melted immediatley, and fell in love with that man. I appreciated his talent..and was in awe. I loved his voice...speaking or singing...it was pure "american honey" to my ears. He played that guitar...my heart raced, my body got warm..and all I could think was "he did all this for me?". He was simply amazing. I wanted to record him...I am glad he shared his talent in churches, and in a few bands he had with his brothers. In my opionon...with out even hearing them...they should have been way more successful, than they were. David liked alot of the same music as me...and I was keen to learn more music venues threw him. He was like a book..Ive never seen before. The problem is...I only got threw the first chapter, before we died. But, this entry isnt about David and I. Not now anyways. Threw my highschool...and into College, I continued on with mainstream music. Later in college, and after leaving a prominate 7 year relationship...(we were engaged...he became a police officer...and I didnt want to be a cops wife..so I left) I turned to country. NEW country. Yes...yes...I know. Not the "tear in my beer...someone ran over my dog, and my wife left me" garden variety I grew up with. I mean Dolly and Patsy are just fine...but not when I was 20. No...Im talking exciting Country. Martina McBride, Faith Hill, Garth Brooks, Charlie Major (canadian)Allan Jackson, Reba, The Dixie Chicks and The Judds. Just to name a few. In these artists, I found "real life" in song. They sung it life it is...with no frills. I became consumed...and country rose to my most popular purchases. With this...I also sang in a choir at St. Annes Catholic Church. Talk about old time music. Boring...and pretty...but no spirit really. I did this for 5 years. Then..I found music at my current penecostal church. Music full of life. Full of pain..with HOPE in christ, Music that moves me to tears...in happiness, and sad times. I love christian music. I even own a few albums of MaryMary,Casting crowns, and Mercy Me. There is some great stuff out there people. Great uplifting music on the christian front. However...Ive always loved George Michael. He has been an artist..who since the age of 14 was plasterd on my walls. Every inch of them. My girl friends and I laugh about it now..I was WHAM! crazy. I knew and researched everythng about that man..dreaming to one day meet him..and sweep him off his feet. What young girl didnt? He was handsome as HELL! Ive appreciated his music more and more..over the years..its deeper and relates to my life in more ways. He at first was "candy and bubblegum" for me. Make it BIG...I was getting more mature (at least I thought) and I understood "if you were there" more than the average girl. It wasnt until one rainy night, I sat in my car..and first heart "TONIGHT" that I broke down sobbing. I couldnt believe that he was singing a song, so real and true to my heart. I bought the 45 immediatley..and played it till it warped. With each new album..I was more and more obsessed ...I suppose you could say. Id listen to the song...2 times, learn the words..and know how to sing it. I dived into "what did that mean" in his songs? I felt his pain. I could understand his confusion...which at that time..I couldnt understand why he was so confused.I could feel everything...his voice was like honey to my ears. It hasnt stopped. He hasnt stopped being an icon for me. Im in my late 30's and my daughter now can sing his music. (its all I really play) But along side George...was also Queen. And for this...I thank my dad. My father is british, and brought back with him..his love for a band..named Queen. He always said "freddy is a flamer..but a great singer...right up there with Journey". Ill never forget that statement. My dad was right. I started listening to my dads Queens albums "queen" "sheer heart attack" "news of the world" and of course.."greatest hits". I was not as attracted to Freddie as I was to George...but to my ears..they were in the same category. They were heaven to listen too..and with songs inwhich I could relate too. Happy, sad..wanting to dance...or just clean too...It was them. Plus all the others. My house was never quiet...nor is it today. My daughter is growing up listening to what I try and exspose her too...solid foundations of music...solid performers. I cant stop the Miley and Justin Beeber influence on her. The radio...always gets changed. But, I do edit out raunchy music as soon as I hear it. There is just some music young kids shouldnt be hearing ....yet. Not with out the maturity behind them. That is where my faith and church comes in...she chooses a path...music that enters her ears..and influences the mind and weighs on the heart.