emptiness. that recurring feeling that follows you like a shadow. it doesn't matter how much i show my nice guy persona cos no one seems to care. mind you it doesn't help when i can't speak up. nearly every time i'm in a public place like a mall or on a bus etc., i encounter things which i often feel i'm never going to have. last wednesday an asian couple (don't think they were married) were making love in the set of seats right in front of me and when you're in the middle of a lacerating unsuccessful schoolboy crush on a girl you were going to see sporadically later that morning, it's not the nicest feeling in the world. and then those enraging words kept running through my head again: "no wonder you've never had a girlfriend." every day it seems to invade my cerebral functioning and it makes me feel like a loser. there are times when i seriously struggle to look at myself in the mirror. i'm the definition of ugly duckling. too skinny, scruffy looking face, hair that was all over the place, while in the middle of all of that are my blue eyes that i inherited from my mother. she reckons that when i was a little boy who was even more timid than the already shy version of me, and i got close to one of my teachers at pre-school, she nearly cried because of how i was looking up at her with those eyes. sometimes i feel i wasn't actually capable of doing that at all, as if it was mothing more than a morale-boosting story that was nothing but fiction. after all, how could a kid so shy he never played with anyone at kinder steal someone's heart like that? mum said that it happened again a year later in my first year of primary school (grade school for any americans/canadians reading) when i decided to sit up the front row for the first time in my life. did that ever happen? or was it just fiction? i still have dreams of snuggling up to a pretty girl virtually every night. i'll admit it, i'm a dreamer by nature. i'm the dorky 18-year-old beanpole who likes to look at clouds when i'm in the back seat of the car and dream of drifting away to an alternative universe to be with someone who actually appreciates who i am. so i'm gonna end with the chorus of the beautiful rhcp song "my friends" to lift my spirits and that of those who are sacrificing some of their time to read this: "i love all of you, hurt by the cold; so hard(?) and lonely too, when you don't know yourself"

i cannot believe what i have just heard. just a few days ago my mother forbid me to chat with peeps on here. now she's saying that she trusts the way that she's brought me up and that any advice that anyone gives me here is not going to take me down the wrong path. not that anyone's given me any bad influence. i want nothing more than for people to be positively influenced by what i have to say. gosh i was such a loser writing that "down in a hole" journal back then. i didn't want that entry to be ground-breaking or anything, but some of the stuff i said was way over the top and could've upset some people. i've gotta lighten up. but the conversation i've just had with mum has helped me do that. she's now okay with me being on here when it was the exact opposite just less than a week ago. i totally didn't see it coming. a girl who i often chat with (when i'm not working my butt off) was talking about how it feels to be bipolar. now i know what she means. i've gone from feeling locked away to being full of confidence in the bat of an eyelid. mum and i talked about how sometimes in winter (especially down here near Melbourne, Australia) people get depressed because they don't go out much and be with other people. she said that teenagers are the worst affected, which is true. me and my two brothers have been working flat out over the last 2-3 years that we haven't had the chance to do things that we wanted to do together like we used to. which is probably why i've had the feeling of not seeing light at the end of the tunnel. no wonder that girl said that winter yields some great poetry :) but mum said that no one is ever lonely for life. i reassured that girl that this was true, but personally i never really convinced MYSELF. but it IS true, and i'm writing all this down because i want other people to know that "there is a light that never goes out (the smiths)" and that someday we'll all reach it. who knows, maybe once i finally find that light, i'll write some songs that aren't so depressing and sinister. read this journal from the start up to this point and you'd have to say that it's been a rollercoaster ride that has so far only elapsed a couple of weeks. what's next? well, i'll just have to strap myself in tight and have a barf bag at the ready just in case XD this day may well be life-changing for me because it's the first time in my life that i've ever heard my mother actually accept me doing this kind of activity. i'm glad to say that we juat may well be able to talk as long as we like :D :D :D :D (apart from the work commitments of course :/)

i'm going to write some lyrics and base them on the verse melody of 1979 by smashing pumpkins. this'll be my second song if it works. here goes... every day i live my life in fear happy endings don't exist down here emptiness is all i feel inside could speak up, instead i choose to hide butterflies are deep under my skin and i know i'm never gonna win occurs to me i've lived my life alone, at home every night i seem to feel afraid in my dreams i'm neutered and i'm spayed (c/o Nirvana's On a Plain) sometimes it hurts to be a man cos there are guys who just don't understand there are some who smile and rape the world (c/o Hole's Be a Man) treat their prey like dolls instead of girls don't they know that only women bleed, indeed (c/o Alice Cooper) gonna have to end there cos i've got a big day tomorrow. hoped you liked it. :) XOXO

Last night my fears came true. My mother told me for the second time to stay away from chatting to that girl online or else. No matter how much I try convince her that it's all cool, she won't budge. I can't win. It seems that the only person I can connect with is being taken away from me and it's tearing me apart. Right now I just wanna scream and strangle something. What you're reading right now may well be the last thing I'll write on this site for possibly several years. That's if I ever come back at all. I can't take it anymore. I don't want this person I've been pouring my heart out to think that I've abandoned her or anything. I've done all I can to keep it together but nothing has worked. She knows who she is, and I want to tell her I'm sorry, but I doubt if this is going to last with the way my mother is handling this. Thankfully I still have her e-mail so if I ever have my own house to do whatever I want in, I can chat to her for as long as I wish. But that looks like it's several years down the track. I don't know what else to do. I'd do anything just to get out of the house. This is one of the saddest days of my life.

Wherever I go, I'll never be free I sink ever deeper when I try to be me Nowhere to go I'm fastened in chains The more I try to break free the greater the pain A dried-up spinster's what I'm meant to be Love is meant for everyone except for me The older I get the more I don't give a f*** Cos it doesn't really matter cos I still feel stuck Vitriol running down my face Whatever my musing I'm in the same place Pepper in my eyes and cement in my nails That's what it feels like when all things fail There's a girl all alone on the other side But I can't get there even if I tried I'm all outta love and I'm all outta luck No matter how much I give I'll still be stuck Billie Joe was right nice guys come last It becomes more clear when I look at at my past Truth or lies I don't know what's which And I'll never find out cos life's a bitch Freedom in my life ceases to exist Like the Hurricane man I feel so pissed The days are dull and the nights just suck And the reason for this is because I'm stuck...

Saw that girl again yesterday. It's been a week since that possible revelation came to a head. I still can't get over her though. She's like a magnet even though I'm pulling trying to pull away. Being near her is only going to make the angst worse, I tell myself. No use. I spent nearly of all my free periods trying to get a tiny glimpse. Whenever I do it's a nice feeling coz she's so cute but at the same time I know I've gotta keep my distance as much as possible coz she's probably got someone anyway. Such a dilemma. The funny thing is that as I write this, I'm listening to Pearl Jam's I Got Id. How apt. Even though it reflects this situation perfectly I still feel somewhat comforted. It's hard to let go sometimes, it really is, but I decide that the best way to show my love for her was to stay away and give her space. Still, it's so hard. To make matters worse I watched Rafters last night (Aussies reading this will know what I mean) and Alex was saying how painful it was seeing his brother hook up with someone and saying how 'everyone's got someone except me'. I nearly cried. I wanted to hug him and tell him I'm alone too. This journal is the only relief I've got apart from chatting with my new friend from Cali. Where the future lies I have no clue, but for now I'll just have to stick with slugging it out with homework and just wait and see where life takes me afterwards. Goodbye all and thx for reading ;)

I don't know if anyone's reading this, but this is not so much a journal entry as a shoutout. Today I got a message on the top-left hand corner of my SongMeanings page that said I have one new message. I was so excited because it was the first time that anyone has contacted me on this site, and to a guy who feels cut off from everyone, this meant a heck of a lot. So when I clicked on this message to check who sent it, what am I met with? An empty inbox. My heart sank. It doesn't make sense. It's as if some intangible force is blocking all means of social contact from me. I cannot even begin to tell you the disillusionment I am feeling right now. I have no idea what to do so the only thing I can do is write this entry in the slim hope of finding my messenger. To whoever it is who sent that message, I was wondering if perhaps you could send it again, plz? If, for the second time in a row it doesn't come up, well, I'd like someone to tell me how I can fix my problem. I'm writing this just to let that person know that I am NOT ignoring your message, it is just that I can'r get to it. I sincerely hope to get it contact with you soon. :)

Unrequited love. The story of my life. Happens every week when I see this girl and I can't stop thinking about her. I managed to sit near her, though not next to her, on the bus on Wednesday; even just getting in her range feels enchanting. One problem. Big one. See something out of the corner of my eye and sure enough there's a picture on her phone with what appears to be her boyfriend. Don't know if it is, but if so, then I think I missed the boat a long time ago. Later that night, I get into bed, last year's words of a real macho classmate of mine run thru my head: "No wonder you've never had a girlfriend." This keeps running over and over and over in my head for hours. Nonstop. I start cryin' myself to sleep. Just quietly. No sound. But no less painful. This, it occurs to me, is my first taste of heartbreak. "It isn't meant for me." I think to myself. "It's meant for everyone else but not me. No one likes a nice guy." People are out at clubs and here I sit typing this journal, cut off from the rest of the world. I'm 18 and male. Not macho in the least, but I don't care. I've got a nice guy kind of persona and it always leads me to nowhere. Doesn't help when I don't speak up. But that's what this journal's for I guess. Still, I won't change who I am. I tell myself to lighten up. Surely someone will appreciate who I am one day... I'm autistic, very, very mildly, but autistic all the same. Doesn't bother me. I want to remain uncured. I've got my own world to wallow in when I'm alone and down. I'm the sappy guy who's always fallin' in love with girls from anime like Fabia (Bakugan), Maylene (Pokémon) and even Shizune (Naruto) and I indulge in these fantasies coz I got nothing else. I got memories, I got shit. Apt words, great song. E-Ved knows how I feel, which is great coz no-one else seems to. If anyone's reading this, and I doubt anyone will, I just wanna say thx for taking the time to hear, or rather see, what I have to say. It's very personal for me, I would never mention this stuff face to face, but I know that people are going thru the same experience and I want to make other people feel that they can relate to it and not feel locked away. This is the first time in my life I have ever put these thoughts down on anything outside my own brain, and I have been keeping these thoughts locked up for several years, so I'm glad I can finally get this stuff of my chest. I hope you enjoyed reading what I have to say, I'm wrapped I've got the chance to share my story with the world and other SongMeaning-iacs. Gosh, that last bit sounded crap. Can I call you that? Peace love understanding 'n' music XOXO :) (apologies to any guys I might have creeped out) ;P