all my life i've relied on dreams to keep me sane. and now more than ever these musings are my only sanctuary. take last night for instance. i dreamed that kristen stewart and i were in each other's arms and it was like i felt secure for the first time in years. i was just staring into her eyes and it felt like bliss. weird i know, cos my infatuation with her has been growing slowly with every day and every hour, but that feeling when you wake up after a dream like that, one that felt so real, it's such a downer. besides, girls like her only ever get guys who are media icons and have all the publicity in the world. they don't ever go for ordinary guys like us. not that i can blame kristen. she keeps constant company with these people. in a nutshell, i wish her happiness in whatever she does in life and with whoever she's gonna be with. when i read that she has an interest in coming down to australia to study and write and all that i was like "yay she's on the same soil as me" but i know in my mind that i'll still be too far away from her. i wrote in my previous entry about how someday i hope i can be able to be in a position where i can help someone who's getting picked on or abused and let someone know that there are people who care about them. perhaps i might even come across a girl as lonely as i am and just sweep her off her feet and take her for a ride. it would make life better for the both of us. i also wrote about the agony of hearing or reading of someone being abused and no one willing to interfere, and that i wanted to interfere so much but i was miles away and couldn't do anything about, and i ache over what could have happened, if someone HAD lended a hand to someone in distress then maybe things might have turned out different. i hate how people's lives are being destroyed by these things and no one seems to want anything to do with them. i just wish there was more humanity in the world. i know there are good people like that out there but there's not enough. the vast majority still stand and stare as if it's not their problem and putting the well-being of themselves before others. i hate to swear but if fucking stinks. i wish the world wasn't filled with so many faceless people with no sense of empathy for anybody. i know we're all strangers but at the end of the day, if someone's in strife and needs picking up we should all be there for each other. LOVE is God greatest gift and we should all take the time to give it to people who need it most. listen to me i sound like a bloody televangelist schmuck but it's so close to my heart i really couldn't give two cents. i read julietson's journal entry today (if you're reading i hope you don't mind me saying this) and i thought, 'Now there's a guy who's got a good heart, got something to give. he also sounds like he's in love with someone like i am ;) and putting it into words.' just so you know, anyone can refer to any of my journal entries whenever they like ;) if someone can read this and connect with my stories and feel like they're not alone it'll make each of us feel a little better. i know that why i'm here there's three things i can give to people reading this journal and i'll close this entry by doing so. peace V love

for a large part of my life, there's one thing that's always driven me insane, and that's whenever i try to offer some encouragement or just try to make someone feel better, there's always repercussions. take today, for instance. there's this young girl who's been receiving some unwanted attention from a couple of guys and all i wanted to do was say hi to this girl and tell her she's doing the right thing by not giving in to these guys. i was just trying to be a little friendly with her cos i hate it when guys won't leave girls alone when they want space. i don't really know if i should name the girl's username or not for fear of this happening to her again. i want to so badly but i have to respect her privacy if she wants it. i found this out in one of this girl's journal entries, and when i pressed REPLY it wouldn't go through. so i had to write the whole message of support again and then press REPLY again but still it wouldn't work. i spend pretty much all of my days alone, and whenever i try to be friendly with someone something always goes wrong. it makes me feel so useless. maybe that's the reason why i'm always so shy around everyone; that and my asperger's. another sick feeling i get is whenever i hear or read a news story about someone getting bullied or abused, and i just have this feeling of being so helpless cos i just want to reach out and help them when in reality i'm too far away to do anything. one thing that makes me REALLY upset is when a girl/s is/are being raped by someone in broad daylight and no one offers to help her/them. like those three girls from Mentone who were attacked by that sicko in/around a store or something. it's during these rape stories that i get the most angry cos i hate how anyone could do that to a girl who has no bad intentions. i just wanted to give those girls a hug and check if they were okay. just to let someone know that someone's looking out for them. one night, a couple of years earlier, i heard a story about how Ron Barassi came to the rescue of a girl who was getting beaten up by five or six of these so-called "big" men. the incident divided many people about whether to help in a time of crisis or just stay away, and this issue reached my family. my parents said to me that if i was ever in Ron's situation i should stay away because they don't want me getting hurt. they thought that Ron did a foolish thing. and then i retaliated by saying that was selfish, and that i would always go and help that person because i would be prepared to put their well-being ahead of mine. i am NOT the kind of guy who stares doing nothing while some innocent/vulnerable person is getting beaten the crap out of. but of course i can't do anything about it because i'm so far away from these victims. whenever i yearn to pick someone up and help them in any way possible i'm either too far away or there's always some kind of setback. but i can't give up. otherwise i might stay alone forever. i've gotta keep on givin' just a little bit of love (platonic and humane, not sexual) and support and hopefully i can make someone feel better about themselves or save them from their plight. i doubt if anyone's reading this journal but i honestly do hope someone is because it's a part of my personality that i hold dearly. knowing my luck if i press SUBMIT it probably won't do that at all. but here goes...

recently, around forums, i've become like an insidious disease that doesn't want to stop spreading. i have got to SHUT UP MY FACE cos it's probably pissin' people off at this point, none more so than the folks who run SongMeanings. i'm probably on their shitlist right now and i don't blame them. because i'm far from the most socially active teen around, when i found this site i wanted to leak my feelings out to people and pull people up when their beaten down and all this bullshit, but it looks like i need to keep a serious lid on things or i'm going to be right back where i started. i sometimes wonder if i ever made the right decision coming here. i'm a selfish bastard-turd jamming up forums and making the site-runners jobs harder. end of rant....

ok this is getting weird. actually it's more like dejá vu. i've been alerted of a new message but i looked in the inbox and nothing's there. if that was you, cindy, and you know who you are, could you try sending it again? if it was someone else, this is the reason you haven't got a reply. don't fret because i try to reply to every message that gets sent to me. gosh this sounds so weird writing this in a JOURNAL, but anyway, over and out..........

i'm starting to think i should have chosen a better username, like raisinboy92 or aspie92 or something like that. none of this has anything to do with the flak i've copped from people about my username, it's juat that i would have liked to expand on it a little more. to anyone bothering to read this boring journal, call me what you wish. but nothing too negative...peace V love

sat on the bus one day managed to sit near her for once so cute so sweet i could look at her all day but she's too far away i saw a picture on her mobile it was of her and some guy i've never met could it be her boyfriend? they looked so free and radiant together and here i sit all pale, lost and confused i'm uncertain if it's indeed her bf but if it is i should say something: make sure you treasure her as long as you can you know you're a lucky man treasure every moment you're with her i hope you'll bloom together don't take anything for granted you're blessed to be in her presence the girl i love belongs to you treasure every second between you two... i'm alone and have been all my life i don't know how it feels to be loved by another if you're not the one i guess i'll move forward cos if i don't i won't go anywhere now i know what heartbreak feels like next time i'll come prepared...........