without you i'm just me

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will power. what the fuck is that. will power is a foreign concept to me. the truth is, i am so apathetic is sickens me. i am literally scared. scared for my future, scared for my present, scared for my grades, scared for my social life. im scared of missing out on life cuz im too motherfuckin lazy. i have zero desire to do anything. this isnt normal this cant be normal i am no ok I AM NOT OK i dont want to see him. i dont want to hang out with my friends. i dont want to study or do homework. i dont want to go to school. i dont want to play sports or volunteer. i dont want to leave my house. my life: get up, drag my ass to school, come home, listen to music and watch tv, go to bed, repeat. every day. no change. i dont get upset by this this doesnt make me happy though i just feel numb or comatose why cant i feel anything why cant i be a normal fucking human for once i am so scared about my laziness. i want a successful life. im scared ill never make it i need to get a hobby. everything i ever tried to care about has let me down i cant sing i dont even remember how to locate the middle c key on a piano i cant even play guitar HERO i hate reading and sports and excersing and people and animals and kids and volunteering and studying and painting and shopping. i do like going to concerts. i like listening to songs and reading lyrics and discovering new bands and i like car rides...not driving but just being in the car i like eating but thats negated by the fact i hate being as fat as i am even though everyone says im not...theyre lying i like watching tv i like private times but i hate being alone other times i like going on twitter and different websites for bands because i feel like if i knew these people on a personal level i would love them more than any of the friends i have i like reading magazines no matter the subject unless its like gardening and cooking i like playing gamecube i like the legend of zelda i like my guinea pigs i like daydreaming i like sunglasses i like pictures i guess there are some things i do like these would be referred to as the things worth living for

the only thing in life i ever wanted was purpose

i hate you
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you broke up with me
i hate you
i hate her
what the fuck is wrong with me
i hate you
i hate her
i want you back
but i hate you

today my circle of girlfriends were all talking about who we would marry if we could marry anyone in the world, and why. we all went around saying who we would marry. she said john o'callaghan. i said jesse lacey. she said jensen ackles. and then you said hayley williams. everyone just sat there awkardly and then i gave you a high five. i mean, its hayley fucking williams, i'd go gay for her. but the difference was that you really are gay. and every one treats you differently now that they know. i dont want to be like them but im constantly freaking out hoping not to say something that sounds homophobic around you. youre one of my best friends no matter what maybe if i ever get a boyfriend and you find a hot chick we could double date i accept you. i wish everyone else would too

& i wish i could inspire