in a perfect world, i would be pretty. in a perfect world, i would be skinny. in a perfect world, i would be liked, loved, and accepted. in a perfect world, i would be smart. in a perfect world, i would be graceful. in a perfect world, i would be fearless. in a perfect world, hayley williams would be my best friend. in a perfect world, jesse lacey would be my husband. in a perfect world, i'd be blessed enough to play an instrument. in a perfect world, i would go to a concert every night. in a perfect world, there would be guitar hero: panic! at the disco... ...and in a perfect world, there would be taking back sunday bonus tracks. in a perfect world, i would be happy. all the time. in a perfect world, you and i would be together. and in a perfect world, it would feel right.

oh man we have some good times. im just gonna come out and say it, you're my best friend dude. you are aboslutely hilarious and you have the best taste in music ever. :) remember when we went to go see the maine, and you dared me to scream, so i screamed "JOHN OHH, I WANT YOUR BABIES" and he heard us? third row, bitches. :) and in washington dc. and pretty much every day we're together, we're somehow making the stupidest things seem hysterical. i sometimes fear for our sanity, but thats what makes life worth living :D so college...rapidly approaching. we both have plans to stay close to home. no matter what we do though, im not ever gonna forget you and everything uve done for me. and im holding you to all our plans we've already made, about warped tour and about our spring break. when every other bitch is in florida, we'll be on the road headin to chicago to hunt down clandestine industries, then on our way to franklin tennesee just cuz thats where PARAMORES from :) oh god. i could go on FOR EV ER about all the good times we've had over the years. but instead of turning this into anohter novel-length rant, i'm gonna try to make it short. lol hannah dear, forever friends. :)

"this is me trying to live my life by your standards, your god awful standards; they wear me down..." so, my lovely introductions from a day to remember and nevershoutnever kinda set a certain tone for this note. YEAH another rant. as most all my journal entries are. but idgaf, its therapeutic and i finally get out what im too big of a pussy to say. lets start this from the beginning... it all started in seventh grade.. MY LOVE FOR MUSIC (see previous note) as if i wasnt already a huge outcast, it looks like i gave everyone i knew just another reason to hate on me. hate me cuz im not a carbon copy, cuz im different and think for myself. so yeah, story of my life right there ^ although i was surprised my parents were so accepting of me. it took some warming up though. when i was a little junior high kid and i discovered eye liner and thought i was just so badass with racoon eyes, my folks werent too thrilled with that. but after a while, everything grew on them. my mom asked me to burn her copies of cds by the maine, a rocket to the moon, boys like girls, and paramore. she wanted to come with me when i went to go see boys like girls w/ cobra starship, the maine, a rocket to the moon, and versaemerge. we had so much fun, and i got to meet martin johnson! my parents let me buy all my clothes (band shirts, ha) off the internet and dont judge me for being an obsessive stalker just cuz i know every band members full name age and birthday of the bands i love, and the meaning and storylines behind all their songs. theyve always shown me support in everything that i do, but at the same time i feel that they dont take my passion seriously. after giving up on guitar and piana and singing, i decided ill never be in a band haha. but what i do want to be - a music journalist. i wanna be a writer for a music magazine, like AP for example. i havent rlly talked at all to my parents about this but i dont think theyd care. but for the love of God i dont think i can continue highschool the way things are. if i get one more snide remark or "that look" from a classmate, im knockin their damn teeth out. its bad enough as is, not to mention i have zero in musical-common with my friends. theres seven of us. nine technicaly but we dont like the other two, and they dont like us, they just have no one else to hang out with or eat lunch with i guess? fuck it, not goin there. anywhere, my two closest friends listen to freakin nickelback, taylor swift, and styx. god help me, as if i wasnt already concernce about the growing distance resulting in hardly any face time due to school sports and scheduling conflicts. theres only one friend who likes, let alone has even heard of, the same music i like. idk what im getting at. just another girl who has to find something to complain about i suppose most think. but i just dont get what makes me so fucking unacceptable? in my world, you people are stupid little fuckers that get F's and D's except when you cheat, are average at sports, and like to drink and watch will ferrel movies. where as i "waste my time" gracing my ears with beautiful poetry. FUCK IT ALL i'll do whatever the hell i damn well please i will be a merch chick and travel the counrty with a band selling slightly overpriced yet undoubtedly awesome shit to young starryeyed fans at each and every concert. maybe i'll be the next tiffany mink, and be the ever infamous warped tour pit reporter. a writer for AP? fuck, maybe i'll be like jac vanek and design clothes and accessories loved by everyone who is anyone in the music scene. ha, who gives a shit, i just know that my life's purpose was meant to involve music

this is just another useless rant, just for my own sanity :) so yeah. let me start out by saying you're a stupid freaking bitch. i used to love who i was. now i resent and even kinda dislike any original thought i have. you're the one who made me this way. i remeber the first time. it all started in seventh grade. that when i was fairly starting to figure out who i was. it wasnt until seventh grade when i discovered my passion and purpose in life - music. by some random chance, i downloaded fall out boy's "infinity on high" and for the first time i fell in love. and i never looked back. i had broadened my musical horizons to MANY bands, but back then my LIFE consisted of fall out boy, paramore, and panic! at the disco. that was like a core-top 3 thing, but fall out boy was like my fuel to live. and then a few weeks later, you just happen to discover them yourself and make them YOUR obsession too. ive put up with this shit before but i felt so protected and entitled to music..like, if you don't appreciate the brilliance of the lyrics, you should'nt get to to listen to good music. you never listened to the lyrics. you're like those stupid bitches panic! talks about in 'london'. it is for these exact reasons that for many years, i tried to keep dashboard confessional and brand new a "secret" from you. but then you gotta go and download [illegally might i add ya little rat] every song i had on my ipod. then its the things here and there i got a new haircut and was super excited cuz i got six inches off so it was shorter and more manageable, so i found my FAVORITE hairstyle. then oh yeah guess what you start wearing your hair like that. every single day. you've gotta be fucking kidding me. you go out and buy the EXACT same pair of converse...i mean of all the fuckin colors and designs...... you steal my mother fucking words too who in gods name says these things other than myself and there are words i MADE up so everyone knows u fuckin steal my words and jokes and shit. and for christs sake.... u wouldnt even look at him in the hallway. not even a passing glance. but when we started dating u just couldnt keep ur eyes off him. so much for best friends. cunt. and now that we're broken up, after a serious one yr relationship, you wanna get with him. some "best friend" you are. the thing that upsets me most though (kinda related, maybe not) YOU ARE THE BIGGEST LITTLE POSER IVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE and ive seen a good deal of them. hun, it's almost kinda pathetic and its like you want my life, bitch please - its called originality, you should get some. am i wrong, to think that the poster child for copy cats, who is also a bitch, isnt worth the friendship or perhaps i am the one who's so conceited that i think you just "want my life" i just cant think of a better way to word things you wouldnt know that feeling, though, cuz everything you say is just recycled from things ive previously said FUCK IT ALL i hate copy cats. i hate stupid bitches all over your fuckin boyfriend. when you combine them both its pure hell, and youre supposed to be my friends whatever

opposites~ noughts and crosses. the sun and the moon. day and night. stars and satellites. brand new and justin beiber. good and evil. black and white. sweet and sour. love and hate. heaven and hell. dreams and reality. demons and angels. life and death. you and me.

so yeah you really are a piece of work i remember back in grade school when i had that little schoolgirl crush on u for like eight years god ill never get those years back even if i was just a child have u ever just waited around SO long, for the impossible, and when i finally comes uve moved on? past the point of no return? thats you. u were such a good boy, not like all the bad boys im usually attracted too. go figure. you texted me and asked if i wanted to go see a movie with u we had been friends our whole lives, of course i would and then it turns out that was our first date i got made fun of so much, you know "ur dating HIM?" from the guys and "HES dating HER?!?!" from the girls all those girls, always all over you. ALWAYS. they couldnt believe u chose ME. thats right bitches, i had him first, so suck that. and then i guess guys just wanted an excuse to torture me? who fuckin knows, kids are weird man spanish class was a living hell i thought id have to know out some teeth to get ppl to shut up all that aside we went on all those awkward standard dates we go to the movies and we'd both sit there watching a movie neither of us never rlly wanted to see or ud come over and we'd watch some dvds and i'd kick ur ass on my gamecube. then there was those dreaded dances. u had two left feet. so did i. we both stood alone with our friends in the corner, i dont dance. until a slow song anyway. then i realized, im over u. i dont like u anymore this was around the same time that u realized u loved me. i thought id come back around and id fall back in love i mean u hear of this all the time, ppl falling in and out and back in love so i stuck it out for eight more months we dated for over a year, ya know i guess my picking fights unprovoked... never returning calls or texts.... all but ignoring u, giving u the cold shoulder why couldnt u have taken a hint i needed u to take a hint u wouldve spared us both so much ...i was gonna type pain but im rlly not heartbroken at all more like relieved does this make me a bitch? heartless? carved out of stone?? i had to check my pulse just now. ya never know rlly the only thing i felt was embarrassment u just HAD to break up with me in front of everyone, didnt u and i had this master plan to do it myself, why couldnt u have waited three more days three days thats what i had told myself four months ago, then but i truly meant it the second time around i guess ive come to the conclusion that u are an immature douche and i am a cold heartless wretched being, incapable of love i feel no guilt a little self pity that i am practically incapable of exhibiting human emotion but thats it im over it im over you SO over you i was over you months before u ever called it quits and all of this i just randomly wrote, this nonsense, is proof and yet... i just took thirty minutes of my life to type this for no reason. youll never see it. youll never know. no one will. who do i have to convince, other than myself? and i DO NOT want you, i repeat DO NOT want you our relationship was so fucked, i never want that again but i feel like...protective of you or something like a mama bear and her cub i keep saying im over you and oh my god i am but, lets be realistic and look at the facts youre out partying with tha ladiessss and im here typing nonsense about u for no reason. whatever FUCK IT ALL im done with love im way happier without that bullshit bringing me down :D i feel FREE DAMN IT FREEEEEEE its a beautiful feeling, to have nothing weighing you down marvelous .....kbye