Cosmic forces have brought us together. Or was it comic forces? The important thing is we're together and its fun. Or is it funny?

I love my friends. They are truly great people. They hold so much love for the world and I'm very lucky to have them in my life around me. They are the type of people that know how to have a good laugh and can give really good advice at the same time. Really they're too good for me. I just can't begin to explain how i feel to have them be apart of my life. One girl has the iq of a genius but her ability of love is infinite and her sense of humor is down to earth. Nothing prissy about her. Another girl once was a model. She is beautiful and is the the prefect cookie: hard and solid on the outside but gooey and warm on the inside. The third girl is the dreamer. She puts all of us on cloud nine and can make us have the grossest sobbing faces cause we're laughing so hard. I love all of them. But on the other hand.....recently I've felt really annoyed by them. Whenever we get together i just feel so anxious and shaky and a little bit nauseous. I feel lonelier being around them. I just look at them and i feel disgusted. I don't know if i feel disgusted at them or disgusted at myself. I don't know why. I feel like a shite person. But then i want to get as far away from them as possible. The genius girl reminds me of a red-mini-van-soccer-mom and she's a future i'm so desperately trying to avoid. Safe, predicable, and unprecedentedly normal. The girl model is selfish. And hard-headed and just makes me want to rip my hair out she can get so frustrating AHHHAHAHAH!!! The dreamer can be mean. She has no filter which can be fun sometimes, but other times, she just splurts words out that she doesn't realize will have that much of an impact but it does. And it hurts. She can make me feel like an idiot real quick. And they all hide these faults really well because their good sides mainly cover up their bad sides. Sigh... At this point in time, should i accept taking the good and the bad? And i hate myself for feeling that way. Like I've said, they're are the best type of people one would want to surround yourself with, and then there i am. Plan and boring. How and why they wanted to affiliate themselves with me is a mystery. But maybe after four years of knowing them, the authenticity has worn off? They've become predictable and boring, maybe? I see them and want to run in the other direction. Why do i feel this way? And how do i fix it? I don't really want to drop them and try and find a different gang because they've done so much for me. And its really hard finding good, truly good people like them. So i think I'll just have to continue being stuck in this rut. I can't tell them this. It'll make them sad. Just four more months then high school will be over then we'll go different ways. I know they have put me in their plans for the future (ie weddings, moving in together, our hopes and dreams and bla bla bla) but right now i not sure how concrete i want those plans to be. I'm hoping the way i feel towards them is just a fleeting moment. I don't' want it to stick. I love them but sometimes....

Call. (Welcome 2012)

"No one will fall in love with someone who can't love anyone." One on the topics my friends pointed out to me last night. And i guess its true. I find it very hard to tell people i love them. I don't remember when it started but its because the words 'i love you' are used so frequently in society that the meaning has become muddled. When i say those words i want it to mean the world to that person. Want it to feel special. And i also want the words to be so true that i have to say them. Does that make sense? I don't know, but that way of thinking has gotten me in a lot of trouble with my family and friends. They feel that since i don't voice my love to them, i don't love them. But the fact of the matter is that i love them so much that i can't fit my feelings for my dear people into three over-used words. So my family and friends believe that i don't love them. I'm forced to show my love to them. I feel cheap for that. I'm cheating my way out. But it makes them happy. So i'm at this point in my life. Every time i say 'i love you' i muster up all my love and put it into those words. And its exhausting so i don't do it as much as i should. I've also met a friend who has told me that if people don't get told that they're loved, then they'll never know they were. I've never considered that. I wish to believe that my actions could speak louder than my words ever could, but some people just won't take the bait. I enjoy making people happy, so if its just a couple of words that will make them happy, should i sacrifice my own beliefs?

He's pretty neat. I love him. He's black and white and his belly is pink and his nose and mouth are black. His eyes are bright orange compared to the black surrounding his face. He likes his butt scratched and he is currently sleeping in my lap making typing very slow. But thats okay because i love him. Boring Thursday night. Nothing to do. I'm in shock that Christmas is so soon. Where did all the time go? It seems like last week i was at a new years party desperately wanting a news years kiss. But alas, alack and stuff, its nearing 2012. I would consider this a great year. Better than most. Sure love was lost, and sure, my sister has drifted far away from me into adult world, but I've become so much closer to my friends than I've ever been. But soon high school will be over and then i'll have to start over again. That'll suck. But I'll cross that bridge when i get to it. Right now i'll just be grateful about my friends who are far to good for me. Dude. I swore to myself i wouldn't write lenghty things anymore. But then again, I'm really bad at keeping my promises.

I should probably stop writing such long entries. I look like a prick from far away. But don't we all. Heh.... .......(still working on this paper. Not even close to it being done. Got to get up at 6am. Poop.)

I'm supposed to be writing a paper that due tomorrow. Lots of points. Big deal breaker. But i have no motivation. This sucks. I procrastinate like nobody's business. I normally leave projects till the last minute. Only then will i have to motivation to do. Probably around 12, I'll get the motivation. For me, sleep is the best motivation. Motivation. Motivation. Motivation. What a silly word. (Blackberry stone by Laura Marling. Cool as shit.) Man. Tumblr. Some webcomic. Soundcloud. Then back to tumblr. I like looking at people's journals on here. Anytime on on this site, i go to the journal bit and take a peek at other people's life. Most times it girls who either a)want attention or b)need some serious help. And sometimes a rare c)people who are realistic. Those journals i marvel in their poetry, or their simple words, or complex ideas. Those journals, those people, to me, are gold. And how to you tell someone that they're gold? People are constantly calling me cute, and i know, take the compliment, but once (but more likely more that once) i want to be called beautiful, lovely, even handsome will do. When i don't look at people i stray from the word cute. It has turned into an awful word for me. "Cute" seems like it says so much, but when thought about, is just a filler word. "Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are." ― Markus Zusak, I Am the Messenger. At this point in time my favorite quote. I truly try to live by this quote daily. And i think i achieve it. As i've said before, i like to watch people, and over time, my vocabulary has evolved enough to find the right words to describe people. So starting at some random person and finding something beautiful in then besides their physical features is a good day to me. (Love World-Katie Dill. Bitchin as fuck) Well i should probably get back to staring at a blank WordDocument. Sigh.....

Sometimes I'm really lonely. Just so fucking lonely. sometimes its a mix between feeling no love or feeling empty. I guess both really connect with each other. I find it hard to connect to people most times. And i try. I really do. It's just difficult to walk into a room and hear empty words filling my ears. All about things. Not about people or their feelings. I have tried to talk about my things but i always sound ill-informed. And i take pride in not knowing a lot about my things. I want to get to know more about my people. We have such little to to spend with each other before we all take different routes into life and all they want to say to me is worthless crap. The people i do hang out with are better than most. They help out but i can not bring myself to honestly let loose whats in my mind. And i'm sure its not just me feeling that way, if everybody told everybody else what was honestly going thought their minds, the world would be chaos. I would just like to see one day where everybody had to be honest. No topic off limit. That would be an interesting day. I would learn so much. I like to observe people. What they do. How they do it. And, if its a good day, i can see by they're actions why they do it. And honestly, I'm very accurate at what i do. But i've been a watcher for so long that it's getting harder and harder to break the fourth wall. I've only being watching for so long, that i don't really know how to put my self in society. How do i act. So i've been trying to just throw myself in the middle of the action. That doesn't turn out so well. I'll just wait a little longer.

Just....my god...Where to begin. So the girl i was talking to turned out to be nothing. She got herself somebody else to chase after her. Oh well. That's what being youthful is all about. 'Love lost' or something like that. I found out about her new squeeze about two weeks after i posted 'pen pals'. We are still pen pals just with less gusto on my part. So I've had a while to recover and assemble myself. Actually it wasn't that hard to let go. Call me Miss.Rational, its what i do. But after all that happened, i begin to read more books to pass the time (because before all i did was daydream)and more and more, i've been feeling anxiety. Over nothing. It suck. And just know I've lost all my motivation to write. But i have a paper due tomorrow. Fuck.

So, its really silly, but the girl that i have feelings for and i are writing letters to each other. Even though we live about two streets away. Like i said, silly. But its really fun. Getting a letter thats not spam is really exciting, even more so knowing that when i open it, her writing is waiting for me. Her thoughts waiting for me. Man, there is so much going on in her head, its amazing. She has so much love for everything. Her mother, books, her friends, the world around her. And the ideas she has for her future are simply epic. She's so focused and determined. I have learned more about this girl through these letters then i could ever do by myself. Could i hope that she proposed the idea because she wanted to know more about me? And its no big secret that i'm awful when it comes to speaking aloud. I have started a bad habit of stuttering.... I love this girl SO much. So much that it hurts my heart. Physically, hurts it. Because it beats way too fast when i'm around her. Or even thinking about her. Pathetic, really. Whats even more pathetic is the motion of telling her these thoughts makes me so unbelievably sad. She can't know. It would compromise everything. I don't even know how to explain it. But fuck it, i don't need to explain it to you. Hahaha. But believe me, i would love to explain it, there are just no words. Well the husband she'll eventually snatch up better be a guy who dreamt of meeting a girl like her since he was a kid. He better want her so much that he can deal with the crazy friend that'll try to drive him away from her (aka me). He better be all she dreamed of and more. Or so help me god, i will....ha, who am i kidding! I'll do nothing! I'd be happy if she could only grace me with silly gossip that'll be passed around on the occasional lunch date. Man, do i sound like a whiny teenager or what? No. Not teenager anymore. Young adult. Damn thats scary. Speaking of scary things, my older sister (who just turned twenty a couple of days ago) is moving into a really nice apartment with her girlfriend in about two weeks. I'm happy that she is making a life of her own, but also i feel like i'm losing my better half. We're only two years apart, so in a way we act like the same person. I can be abnormal around her, its very relaxing. She is one of the only people who i can sit in silence with and not feel uncomfortable. And when she told me shes moving, a little part of me knew that something will slowly change between us. After a while, it'll feel like she's just a part of my family, not my absolute bestfriend anymore. Once she's gone, my house will be very quite, and very empty. Its truly the most official way to end my adolescence. My sister is leaving me to be an independent. So to make if even more official, I've decided that i will quit this never-ending quest with the girl i love. It was only going somewhere in my head. Me just overthinking everything-again. So, this little girl crush i have- had - on her is over. Time to move on the more adult thinking, like...um...college! Nah, fuck that, that'll only get me in a bad mood. But anyway, this girl will only be my friend from now on.... ....now my heart just needs to follow what my brain is doing....oh man, this'll be tough..... (song: Cinematic Orchestra - To Build A Home)