So i have been thinking a lot about religion, recently. (And i'm not saying i believe this, but wouldn't it be funny if it were true?) What if there was this big guy; he has all this ability and power of all the cosmos and so her created the universe. Just to see what would happen. So he put molecules together and BANG! the Universe and Earth were made, along with everything else. So he watched that for a while and got bored and left to do whatever this dude...being...thing...does for other entertainment. Maybe grabs a snack. When he comes back, viola! Humans have done did their thing. Or maybe he created us because he's impatient and can't wait for exciting things to happen. So we were made and he added free will, thumbs, and an able mind. For shits and giggles, of course. And so he's just up wherever and watching. And laughing his ass off. Because he just can't believe that humans, with all the ability we're given can just pass it by and be consumed by petty ideas/objects. He's also laughing at fact that wars were waged in "His name", that people kill or discriminate against others because "God wills it". Honestly, we're too much for him. And he just can't believe what idiots we are. So this "god" guy is just a dude who checks in on us once and a while for laughs and entertainment. Because he can. I picture him with a white v-neck, wrinkled bleached jeans, and aviators. Basically a bro. Forever laughing at us for all our efforts to please him. And when we die? I don't know i haven't thought that far ahead. But how much would that suck? Would we meet him, or just nothing? Personally, i've just found out that i'm in no way a Christian. Or Catholic. The closest thing i would call myself religiously would be a Buddhist. I strongly believe in reincarnation. I believe that nothing on this Earth is actually new (man-made stuff beside the point) everything is recycled. Like souls, or whatever that may be. Conscience, if you will. The people and animals and spirits have circled this world for a while. And at the oldest and wisest point, we finally get to rest. Whatever that means. And a god? I have no idea. I don't thing i enjoy the biblical god, so what else is there? That's the point i'm at. I do think that SOMETHING has to be out there, but what or how or why or jfdssfdlkdas? For now, I'll just call myself Spiritual. There. That sounds like i know what i'm doing. Hah.

Whenever I find myself genuinely attracted to someone I make it a point to avoid them at all costs and just not talk to or acknowledge them at all until they go away I feel like this could be a problem

It was many and many a year ago, In a kingdom by the sea, That a maiden there lived whom you may know By the name of ANNABEL LEE; And this maiden she lived with no other thought Than to love and be loved by me. I was a child and she was a child, In this kingdom by the sea; But we loved with a love that was more than love- I and my Annabel Lee; With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven Coveted her and me. And this was the reason that, long ago, In this kingdom by the sea, A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling My beautiful Annabel Lee; So that her highborn kinsman came And bore her away from me, To shut her up in a sepulchre In this kingdom by the sea. The angels, not half so happy in heaven, Went envying her and me- Yes!- that was the reason (as all men know, In this kingdom by the sea) That the wind came out of the cloud by night, Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee. But our love it was stronger by far than the love Of those who were older than we- Of many far wiser than we- And neither the angels in heaven above, Nor the demons down under the sea, Can ever dissever my soul from the soul Of the beautiful Annabel Lee. For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams Of the beautiful Annabel Lee; And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes Of the beautiful Annabel Lee; And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side Of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride, In the sepulchre there by the sea, In her tomb by the sounding sea.

Cosmic forces have brought us together. Or was it comic forces? The important thing is we're together and its fun. Or is it funny?

I love my friends. They are truly great people. They hold so much love for the world and I'm very lucky to have them in my life around me. They are the type of people that know how to have a good laugh and can give really good advice at the same time. Really they're too good for me. I just can't begin to explain how i feel to have them be apart of my life. One girl has the iq of a genius but her ability of love is infinite and her sense of humor is down to earth. Nothing prissy about her. Another girl once was a model. She is beautiful and is the the prefect cookie: hard and solid on the outside but gooey and warm on the inside. The third girl is the dreamer. She puts all of us on cloud nine and can make us have the grossest sobbing faces cause we're laughing so hard. I love all of them. But on the other hand.....recently I've felt really annoyed by them. Whenever we get together i just feel so anxious and shaky and a little bit nauseous. I feel lonelier being around them. I just look at them and i feel disgusted. I don't know if i feel disgusted at them or disgusted at myself. I don't know why. I feel like a shite person. But then i want to get as far away from them as possible. The genius girl reminds me of a red-mini-van-soccer-mom and she's a future i'm so desperately trying to avoid. Safe, predicable, and unprecedentedly normal. The girl model is selfish. And hard-headed and just makes me want to rip my hair out she can get so frustrating AHHHAHAHAH!!! The dreamer can be mean. She has no filter which can be fun sometimes, but other times, she just splurts words out that she doesn't realize will have that much of an impact but it does. And it hurts. She can make me feel like an idiot real quick. And they all hide these faults really well because their good sides mainly cover up their bad sides. Sigh... At this point in time, should i accept taking the good and the bad? And i hate myself for feeling that way. Like I've said, they're are the best type of people one would want to surround yourself with, and then there i am. Plan and boring. How and why they wanted to affiliate themselves with me is a mystery. But maybe after four years of knowing them, the authenticity has worn off? They've become predictable and boring, maybe? I see them and want to run in the other direction. Why do i feel this way? And how do i fix it? I don't really want to drop them and try and find a different gang because they've done so much for me. And its really hard finding good, truly good people like them. So i think I'll just have to continue being stuck in this rut. I can't tell them this. It'll make them sad. Just four more months then high school will be over then we'll go different ways. I know they have put me in their plans for the future (ie weddings, moving in together, our hopes and dreams and bla bla bla) but right now i not sure how concrete i want those plans to be. I'm hoping the way i feel towards them is just a fleeting moment. I don't' want it to stick. I love them but sometimes....