"No one will fall in love with someone who can't love anyone." One on the topics my friends pointed out to me last night. And i guess its true. I find it very hard to tell people i love them. I don't remember when it started but its because the words 'i love you' are used so frequently in society that the meaning has become muddled. When i say those words i want it to mean the world to that person. Want it to feel special. And i also want the words to be so true that i have to say them. Does that make sense? I don't know, but that way of thinking has gotten me in a lot of trouble with my family and friends. They feel that since i don't voice my love to them, i don't love them. But the fact of the matter is that i love them so much that i can't fit my feelings for my dear people into three over-used words. So my family and friends believe that i don't love them. I'm forced to show my love to them. I feel cheap for that. I'm cheating my way out. But it makes them happy. So i'm at this point in my life. Every time i say 'i love you' i muster up all my love and put it into those words. And its exhausting so i don't do it as much as i should. I've also met a friend who has told me that if people don't get told that they're loved, then they'll never know they were. I've never considered that. I wish to believe that my actions could speak louder than my words ever could, but some people just won't take the bait. I enjoy making people happy, so if its just a couple of words that will make them happy, should i sacrifice my own beliefs?

He's pretty neat. I love him. He's black and white and his belly is pink and his nose and mouth are black. His eyes are bright orange compared to the black surrounding his face. He likes his butt scratched and he is currently sleeping in my lap making typing very slow. But thats okay because i love him. Boring Thursday night. Nothing to do. I'm in shock that Christmas is so soon. Where did all the time go? It seems like last week i was at a new years party desperately wanting a news years kiss. But alas, alack and stuff, its nearing 2012. I would consider this a great year. Better than most. Sure love was lost, and sure, my sister has drifted far away from me into adult world, but I've become so much closer to my friends than I've ever been. But soon high school will be over and then i'll have to start over again. That'll suck. But I'll cross that bridge when i get to it. Right now i'll just be grateful about my friends who are far to good for me. Dude. I swore to myself i wouldn't write lenghty things anymore. But then again, I'm really bad at keeping my promises.

I should probably stop writing such long entries. I look like a prick from far away. But don't we all. Heh.... .......(still working on this paper. Not even close to it being done. Got to get up at 6am. Poop.)

I'm supposed to be writing a paper that due tomorrow. Lots of points. Big deal breaker. But i have no motivation. This sucks. I procrastinate like nobody's business. I normally leave projects till the last minute. Only then will i have to motivation to do. Probably around 12, I'll get the motivation. For me, sleep is the best motivation. Motivation. Motivation. Motivation. What a silly word. (Blackberry stone by Laura Marling. Cool as shit.) Man. Tumblr. Some webcomic. Soundcloud. Then back to tumblr. I like looking at people's journals on here. Anytime on on this site, i go to the journal bit and take a peek at other people's life. Most times it girls who either a)want attention or b)need some serious help. And sometimes a rare c)people who are realistic. Those journals i marvel in their poetry, or their simple words, or complex ideas. Those journals, those people, to me, are gold. And how to you tell someone that they're gold? People are constantly calling me cute, and i know, take the compliment, but once (but more likely more that once) i want to be called beautiful, lovely, even handsome will do. When i don't look at people i stray from the word cute. It has turned into an awful word for me. "Cute" seems like it says so much, but when thought about, is just a filler word. "Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are." ― Markus Zusak, I Am the Messenger. At this point in time my favorite quote. I truly try to live by this quote daily. And i think i achieve it. As i've said before, i like to watch people, and over time, my vocabulary has evolved enough to find the right words to describe people. So starting at some random person and finding something beautiful in then besides their physical features is a good day to me. (Love World-Katie Dill. Bitchin as fuck) Well i should probably get back to staring at a blank WordDocument. Sigh.....

Sometimes I'm really lonely. Just so fucking lonely. sometimes its a mix between feeling no love or feeling empty. I guess both really connect with each other. I find it hard to connect to people most times. And i try. I really do. It's just difficult to walk into a room and hear empty words filling my ears. All about things. Not about people or their feelings. I have tried to talk about my things but i always sound ill-informed. And i take pride in not knowing a lot about my things. I want to get to know more about my people. We have such little to to spend with each other before we all take different routes into life and all they want to say to me is worthless crap. The people i do hang out with are better than most. They help out but i can not bring myself to honestly let loose whats in my mind. And i'm sure its not just me feeling that way, if everybody told everybody else what was honestly going thought their minds, the world would be chaos. I would just like to see one day where everybody had to be honest. No topic off limit. That would be an interesting day. I would learn so much. I like to observe people. What they do. How they do it. And, if its a good day, i can see by they're actions why they do it. And honestly, I'm very accurate at what i do. But i've been a watcher for so long that it's getting harder and harder to break the fourth wall. I've only being watching for so long, that i don't really know how to put my self in society. How do i act. So i've been trying to just throw myself in the middle of the action. That doesn't turn out so well. I'll just wait a little longer.