Fuck this. And that. And you. God, just fuck it all. Why do i have all these feelings!? And they're not even attached to anything or anyone. They're just....feelings. All pent up i'm guessing. I want to go somewhere on the country side and just scream. Scream bloody mary and not have to worry that the people around me think i'm insane. You know, i haven't cried in about a year. A year. 365 days. That seems unhealthy. Until recently, i told myself that i didn't have anything to cry over. But i'm starting to think otherwise. Just read the last three thing i've talked about. ha. Still, no matter how sad i get, i can't produce a tear. I sound really stupid don't i? Well like i said before; fuck you. I'm just one big mass of horny teenager. And when i say teenager, i'm saying 17. Soon to be 18. An adult. A motherfucking adult. Crazy. Just hard to wrap my head around. Of course, nothing will really change. But its just one step closer to college. Then moving out and getting an apartment. Then getting a real job. And that will be my life for the next 40 or so years. (Cause lets face it, i'll be surprised if i make it to 45.) When is life going to begin? Cause i'm definitely not living up to my full potential as a teenager. I should be out drinking myself into a frenzy. And having sex like it was a way to breath. And they stories that i'll want to hide from my kids?! Where are they? And why aren't they piling up at my doorstep? But sadly, just like everything else, you have to work at having a 'Skins' kind of adolescence. Fuck that. I have my books and my daydreams that'll rock me to sleep. God, that sounds so lonely. But what else is new? This is groundbreaking stuff. People for years and decades and centuries have wasted their youth. But we're fucked up even before we reach adolescence. Whats ruined us are school teaching us from a young age the 'proper way to color in the lines', parents demanding us to get a job at the ripe ol' age of 14, and the shitty excuse that comes with 'beauty tips'. You call that realism, i call it bullshit. Like i've said before. Fuck this. But in the reality that 'adults' have created for me, i can't. If i do drop it all and move to Italy, that likelihood that you'll find me on the cement floor holding a cracked red plastic cup goes up by a 75% chance. So i'll have to stay bolted to the floor and push, kick and drag myself through this ridiculous quest called life. Stuck here with all you other fuckers. Oh, happy day. Oh, happy day. I just have a lot of feelings, okay? #kayneshrug

I talk about my vagina too much. My dash is moving really slowly tonight. I was talking to someone on AIM and they disappeared. I ate all of my Chinese food too quickly. My stomach is bursting but I want to eat more. I can’t stop listening to Kate Nash even though her voice grates me sometimes. Why is Diet Coke not as healthy as water? Why can’t I go swimming? Why does everyone go on holidays without me? When did I stop having friends? Why is it not winter? What if I stay in the same hotel as the Glee cast next week and have an affair with Naya Rivera? I don’t want to ask anymore questions. I hate that anymore should really be two words. Any more. If Edgar Allan Poe was alive today I wouldn’t follow his blog.

Listen! And listen real hard....... Poop! ...that is all. (its that kind of day)

I love this girl. She is beautiful. I want to hug her forever and kiss her forever and drive around town with her listening to Bon Iver forever. I want to tell her i'm in lesbians with her (literally). I want to kiss her forehead then move down to her eyes then kiss her freckled cheek. I want to call her, or better yet, go to her when a scary thunderstorm shakes my house. But all this won't happen. Its only in my head and will probably stay there. Forever. You might say "Just do it! Just tell her!" but before you say that, know i'm a coward. I'm a coward when it comes to spiders and thunderstorms and especially when it involves telling people my feelings. I'm a coward who won't admit her feelings. I'm afraid of relationships. What they might do to me. What they could turn me into. But its weird. She kind of makes me want to hurl myself at her. Yes, hurl. Give her all that is mine. Its a scary idea, but i want it. And then i'm taken back into reality. A relationship will never happen with her. Stop daydreaming, silly child. She just came back from touring two weeks in Europe. In those two weeks that she was gone, i was bored. No, bored doesn't begin to describe it. Just know i was walking toward the light. All i could comprehend was the feeling of something missing. Her. I missed her. I missed her! I MISSED HER! I MISSED HER SO MUCH IT WAS AN ACHE FOR HER TO COME BACK! Yesterday night she texted me she just got back. I wanted to run to her house and clomp her with a mighty monster hug and tell her i long for her. And tell her i love her. And tell her don't leave me. Did you miss me? Did you think of me? At all? But then i came back to reality and reasoned that she is probably extremely tired from all Europe had to offer. So i texted her a humble 'Glad you're back. I missed you. Goodnight.' Tonight i saw her for the first time in two weeks. She was as radiant as i last remembered her. I longed to wrap my arms around her and cuddled her til the cows came home. But i didn't. And instead we went shopping for some food for her. So we took my car and drove to the nearest hy-vee. I asked her all types of questions about Europe. She said she had a good time, but she "just missed America and my friends." Does that involve me? Did you miss me? Did your heart beat faster when you saw me? Did you hunger for my unique laugh while you were away? If you answered yes to any or all of them, could that mean you love me as more than a friend? Cause i answered yes to all of them. I love you. As we were putting the groceries in my trunk, out of bloody nowhere she happily chirps, "We're like a couple" And then she giggles. She actually giggles that girlish kind. Oh, it all kills me. I could tell she was still really tired because she kept yawning all night, her speech was slower, and she started to talk kind of quite. All those things were not like her. As we pulled up to this really long stop light, she puts her head on my shoulder. I marvel at the sensation of her on my skin. Then i put my head on top of her shoulders. And 'Wash' by Bon Iver comes on. And we stay like that. What comes to my mind is the line from the book 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower'-"And in that moment i swear we were infinite". Then the light turned green and the world continued to to carry on. Unknowing of what was happening inside my head. We unpacked her groceries at her house and said out goodbyes, promising to see each other soon. I plan to keep my promise. As i drove back to my house, i realized i could have done something more. They say there is always something to improve on and that moment in the car, i could have improved the situation at least sixty percent. I could have kissed the top of her head. Nothing too profound, nothing too serious. Just a friendly kiss on the top of the head. God, I'm an idiot. So caught up in the moment of /feelings/ i didn't get the job done. So i'm stuck here, typing of this damn computer consumed by lust for the entire night. I don't even know if i want to move on to that kind of relationship with her. Two years of friendship down the drain if/when it ends. And don't get me started on rejection. I probably won't peruse this because i'm a responsible adult who knows when enough is enough.....right? Oh, and if you actually read this. Wow. Just... wow. You deserve something. Pat on the back?

Me! "I shouldn't have left. You needed me. And i left you."-some story i just read That is why i'm a terrible person. A person in need, I left her at the worst time, when she needed to know someone was there. But i left her to be alone with her demons, with her shitty, dead-beat mother, and her drug addiction. I walked away from her and joined the care-free friends that were around. I plucked them out of the blue and became really close friends with the 'happy' people. I'm a horrible person. And i can never forget. I just want someone to pat me on the back and tell me i did the right thing. And mean it. Not to just say it to 'help' cheer me up. But even then, i don't think it would really lift the guilt. But then again, who says i deserve for this guilt to be lifted off me? This is my punishment. You reap what you sow. And this is it. The knowledge that i let a once close friend of mine in the shadows to rot. For you to really grasp why the deed and guilt eat me up, i'll have to give you background info. In middle school, i had a god-awful time. I was constantly alone, forever teased, and i tried too hard for everybody's sake. Then i met her. She taught me to not give a fuck what anybody thought. She was the reason i went out on Friday nights. A probably, she was my savior becoming depressed. We were young. No problem was too big. No challenge too scary. As long as we had each other, we had it all. Then, along came, lets call her Polly in high school. Polly was and is the most....there's not even a word for it. She talks and for some reason you have to listen, because she says great things and you might miss it. So when group projects come along, you dream to be put into a group with her. She's demanding, but not in a bad way (its hard to explain) and she's nice. Really. And my friend, lets call her Zoe, fell head over heals in love with Polly. And they become bestfriends. And i left in Zoe's past. But thats okay with me. As long as i was nowhere near the state i was in middle school, i was fine. Anything was better than that. Long story short, they were best friends for a year, and then Polly got a boyfriend, and to no ones surprise, Polly didn't hang out with anyone. That broke Zoe. She was damaged goods from then on. So i did what any forgotten friend would do, i opened my arms wide to my wounded friend. But anything i said and any act i did would not heal her pain. I broke my heart how sad she was. Even now, i hurt to remember my how broken she was. How i couldn't do anything to help her. So she did what most depressed teenager would do; she smoke and drank her sorrows away. And i watched. Hating myself for not having the will or passion to stop her. I remember one night, it was her birthday, she got so drunk that she starting to sob. Which turned into violent tears of distress. She claimed no one lover her, i would leave her, she was broken. At that time, i loved her dearly. At that time, i claimed i would never leave her. And at that time, i would help put her back together. Presently, i cringed and hate myself for telling this wreaked girl all these lies. After the following weeks it was hard to talk to her. I made up bad excuses to get out of being around her. It was all very pathetic. Then, fucking Polly sucks me in. I hated that i wanted to be around her so much. I guess it was a paradise away from the angst that was Zoe. Again, long story short: Polly and I had gotten closer, while i left Zoe in the past. But she was still on the edge of my mind. Always. Then i heard Zoe had gotten worse. She was drinking heavier than ever. Smoking pot practically everyday, and skipping whole weeks of school. At one point i was on a road trip with Polly and i had gotten a phone call. I was informed that Zoe was being put in a mental hospital because she was seriously contemplated suicide. She needed me. Or somebody who she can trust. But i left her. And i wondered why i couldn't go back. Then i got to thinking. Zoe scared me. I was frightened of her. Whenever i got near her at school, my stomach turned upside down. Why? Why am i so scared of her? I still don't know. And the fact that i'm scared of her makes me feel guiltier. I am a repulsive person for leaving my friend alone when she needed me the most. And maybe that's why i can't talk to her or even look at her; She reminds me of what a horrible person i am. I'm too prideful to do anything about. And whats worse, i don't really want to do anything about it. Granted, she was one of the best friends i'll ever have. But if we become friends again, it won't be the same. On the grapevine, i do hear she has gotten better. She doesn't drink and she hardly smokes. She's back to her old middle school Zoe self. Which makes me sad that i wasn't there to witness her get better. I do miss her, but i can't. I'm too ugly to face her now.