A torturous week it has been. I have been grumpy and have been ignoring my friends way too much, it's bringing me to tears. And the girl, the girl of my infinite sadness, the one that haunts my head, and heart, has a concert tonight, yet, I'm hesitant. I have known of this for the entire week, and it must be the reason why I'm so tense. I want to see her preform, but the confusion and frustration is pulling me in much deeper, into a bottomless trap hole of sorrow. I love this girl, if I could tell her I would, the only thing is, I'm sure.. I'm sure there's already another.. And now only a few hours remain, it's my decision, my hearts decision.. Should i stay...?..Or should i go?

The past few days were...exhausting. I felt like a bum, not even able to afford a piece of oxygen. In other words, i felt like a lazy ass. I woke up at around 6 AM the on Saturday, and just lied on my bed for 3 hours, just staring at he the ceiling. I finally get out of bed at around 10ish, Just to go and serve myself some cereal. After my little breakfast, i go back into my room, and just think for another 2 hours. After all of my thinking, I start getting mad, not necessarily mad like crazy, just mad as in grumpy. I spent the entire day in my room, growing grumpy, and gloomy. I isolated myself from everything around me that usually kept me busy. Music, writing, scripting, none of that mattered. I began to feel that, i had no feeling for anything anymore. It was now 8pm, and it was time for dinner. It seemed to have went well. After it all, I went to isolate myself again, yet this time, it had a different outcome. My brother came into the room, and asked where a game of his went to. Angrily, grumpy as i was, I told him to leave. He kept insisting, asking where it went. I then yelled at him to leave immediately. He did. My change in thought has affected everyone around, me and ones I care for. With that in my mind, I started overthinking again, and doubting myself again. Sadness had finally won that night, and I fell as its victim.

Everywhere we went, I always seemed to catch a glimpse of you. I caught your eye in the same fashion. Everytime i walked by, you had me in the corner of your eye. A least now, I'm not embarrassed to say I had you in my corner as well. A wave of friendliness, of happiness. I felt like being your friend was better than not being with you at all. I still wonder to this day if you think the same. Now it seems that the question is void. I walk away when i see you, I "hide" at your presence, I don't know why. My reason is this. You just seem happier without a fool like me. I fly out of you're view. It seems that my own silence was my violence. Now I'm full of regret, I'm confused, I just don't know how too feel. Its just, you have other friends, other options. Why waste it on me? Now i'm a ghost, lost in his own little conundrum. You drive through ghosts huh? You drove past me like it was nothing. I can't wave when i want too, i never catch the corner of your eye anymore, wondering where i am, i want to... Yet now you have others, If only ghosts had more than invisibility, another power. Mind Reading. The 19 days aren't up yet, I have time, to become visible, i hope... anyways, aside from my thoughts, my school is opening its NEW cafeteria today, now students must et either there, or outside orbiting it, its absurd. Yesterday, me and my friends spent our last day at our old spot. Ya know, sometimes, CHANGE, isn't for the best.

it seems to me this isn't an ordinary topic, for it's been brought up before hasn't it? You say it could be a drowning topic, like a sailor lost at sea, yet you continue to salvage in your own pool of lies. It seems. It seems that you want others to know the same. To "agree" in the terms and claims of which you divulge for the likes of others. Aw man, hail to the thief, oh hail to the thief... It seems. It seems you want more than what you already have, something more, perhaps, treasure? You also denounce that you're perplexed, unknown if you're ready for the riches, maybe you're plotting to take it some other day, as time progresses, so others can forget. Your schemes are down right mad, and a constant ramble to the others you try to advise. You're perplexity is false, and of a stature thats of course another lie. It seems. You want others to know of what you crave for, what you blame for, what you came for. The treasure, it seems. In spite all your efforts you're cut short, unable to find it. it doesn't mean you won't one day. Continue searching, and one day you'll find it, unless, it disappears completely. If so, you'll say it wasn't the true goal of the expedition. Off to find more riches mister sailor. hmm. So ALL "Hail to the thief, and the KING of CONTRADICTION!! (filth) Thank you, and good night ...hows that for a catch up journal.

oh man, yesterday was horrible. Alright, so i went to school walking like any other day, and went to first period. It was ok, i changed for gym and everything felt ok. When I got into the gym and sat on the bleachers, this girl was talking to some dude. She must have noticed that i was there, and started talking really loud about a subject i'm pretty sensitive about. She said that there was some other dude in a girl i loved's life. She pretty much kept talking and talking that it was inevitable for me to not listen. It was so loud. She kept referring to "some guy" which was me, and that she should hurry up and "get the hell over with him". I got so pissed, then really REALLY sad. During the past few weeks, we actually have been growing distant, and he does pretty much spend every moment with her. I thought of all the possibilities about her, excluding me, and almost cried right then and there in the gym. I felt useless. I mean, the 2 DO seem to spend alot of time together, and he DOES consider her like a "sister", but, she did say a while back that they wouldn't ever go out. Things can change, i know that. yet, i still want to feel happy for her.. I want to. She deserves a dude like him, she does.. I actually feel like crying right now as i type this but, i hope, i just hope...

he tells her good night, every night, goes to he shows, never missed one. He tells her he loves her every time he thinks its right. He loves her without question, but lately he is starting to wonder. Lately, they've been growing distant, and the girl has been with other friends. The boy is wondering if he is a horrible friend, and he still wonders. There is now another boy, who is with her almost all the time. He laughs, talks, and relates better than what the other boy could. The 1st boy is starting to become weary, and saddened. He begins to over-think, and doubt himself a lot. He told her "i love you" to her countless times, and it feels like the boy only got 2 back in return. And he still wonders.. He thinks that the other boy didn't have to ask, ad got 5 back in one day. He still loves the girl, but wonders if he should leave her be. She seems to be happy with out him now, and its killing him. He wants to talk to her one last time at least, say the L word one last time, at least. She seems be happy with her so called "best friend", and he still wonders... She could be happy, and he wouldn't know. and he still wonders....

dang another catch up entry, ok well on saturday i pretty much stayed home all day, thinking about a lot of things. I wrote some new scripts and also had the sudden urge to just go walking. I tend to walk alot but this week didn't feel like enough. Also today, i went with me, my dad and my brother (bad grammar) to "Tates". If you aren't familiar with Tates, its a comic book store/card store, with alot of anime items. It was my first time, EVER going in there and i was pretty psyched. Inside i say figurines and manga galore, and vaguely reminded me of an anime convention. I'm hoping one comes to florida soon, i'm really hoping to go with some friends again. Anyways, for my first time going it was prety awesome. Afterwards, i just spent the rest of the night at home scripting and looking up more Indie rock songs. Dude, if you leave me with an Indie rock station for too long, pretty soon my Ipods gonna be filled spewing with indie rock. Later that night my dad had a speech, one of those, "im drunk" speech. I usually hates when he does this, but today was different. He talked about his past, and how he wants grand kids, we both shared a laugh because he said some things that related to me that put a smile on my face. I also burst out laughing when he said something so absurd it was funny, and it was i saw where it was coming from xD. When he finished, i talked with my little bro as we did some funny comments on what happened while playing Wii. Anyways a funny night, not usually what you'd expect, and i got what my dad was trying to say, a good source, "a drunk raving source" but still, and yeah, an alright night.

so the other day i joined SongMeanings, its a pretty awesome site. Who knew there would be a site where everyone can talk about how they feel about their music, how they feel music. Since i couldn't write a journal the other day, due to Journalism, I'm catching up today. A lil bit about me? I'm a director to be, and am currently working on something. I have a small crew with my friends, my friend Richard who is my leading actor, and Matthew, my cameraman. I have the vision perfectly in my head, but... these weeks have been really weird for me. I feel inadequate to the world...cliche as that may be. I have been very, "overthinkitive" about things lately, it seems to be affecting me, and everyone around me. I don't think that they would care much though, i mean, its just one person,, what one person compared to the entire world right? i can't stand myself either. I feel like, i can never be happy no matter how i try. Last week, part of my crazy three weeks I've been going through, it was around 12 AMish, and I'm walking home. All my friends were busy with their doings and i felt a sadness, not the regular sadness from the last 3 weeks, but something deeper, i felt it, its that feeling you get, the emptiness in your chest after you think of a very old memory, a memory you can't seem to forget, one that haunts you with its happiness. I left their house like a spirit, like, i was invisible. Walking home is easy for me usually, but this week, was different. As i reached the long, straight path from the corner of a stop sign to my community's gate, i start thinking these memories. It fills me with pain and regret, and sorrow. Half way through the walk, i just collapse on the floor. I'm still conscious, I'm just....on the floor. I sit there, thinking, and thinking. I'm on the floor and i feel a tear from my left eye. I closed my eyes, and woke up 10 minutes later, and continued my walk. This part of the sidewalk is always vacant, so it didn't feel like i was in danger. I finally make it home at 1ish, and fall on my bed, thinking those same thoughts i thought 10 minutes ago.