"I somehow see what's beautiful In things that are ephemeral I'm my only friend of mine And love is just a piece of time In the world In the world And I couldn't help but fall in love again" I thought i saw your face today- She & Him Where do i see myself? Am i thinking of Halifax simply from the fact that they were so overly excited. Montreal for the boyfriend who couldnt love me anymore than he already does, But i already feel myself detaching myself from him British Columbia. All alone, in the hole that is Kelowna, Okanagan. No city, just nature, no friends, no boyfriend, no family. A fresh new start? is that what i need? because its what i fear most right now. I know i will miss them all, but the sad thing is, It is you, the one i love the most that i will miss the least.

"come with me and we'll travel to infinity, my future love." Gravity Rainbows-the Klaxons and where are you going my future love? "friday night I'm going nowhere, all the traffic lights are going green to red" Babylon-David Gray When did the desire to be with you come to a rest? Not even the desire but the enjoyment when i am with you. when did you become just a nice idea. OH she's only seventeen wound up over everything... ...

"I'm not calling you a liar, just don't lie to me I'm not calling you a thief, just don't steal from me I'm not calling you a ghost, just stop haunting me I love you so much I'm gonna let you kill me" -Florence and the machine Listening to the words coming through your teeth, they have more meaning. I Lie when I say I love you, yet I let you kill me. Kill me and every essence that I am. Every connection I have with every thing and any one, anything and everyone Including my own thoughts. These thoughts are beyond dead,.. they are rotten, Decomposed in the ever sinking ground So now if I no longer choose to live for you, who will I live for, now that I have no one, not even myself to turn back to, every other has cut their ties with me. I am non-existent. Not even a past remains. so now i hope.

What's the difference between then and now. Same situations, different reactions and an unexplained familiarity. fucked up movie, i suggest only watch if your in a good mental state.

Finally starting to get back to myself, feels good, feels right. For a good chunk of time, I felt nothing and felt i had control of nothing, it began to become extremely obnoxious. Although no one could really understand because I behaved exactly as i normally would... yet no thoughts seemed to be relevant to anything i was doing. Being a Zombie is not a good time for anyone let me tell you. But I'm trying to decide what it is that is bringing me out of my zombie behavior. options are: +A good friend coming home. +My new Artist obsession [Mumford and Sons] +A certain someone i don't get to spend time with much, and having a long and lovely conversation with on a fairly too warm spring night +Having someone say " I think I'm in love with you" and going on about your great qualities, after you tell him of a song you love and he agrees. +The warm feeling you get after a bottle of wine +The boy brought flowers to work today, but i have been spending less time with him and that may be it... +The sun came back, and sun on my face makes me the happiest +The thought that only in a few short months I'm good and gone, too a destination undecided and gone from high school and its antics , although I'll miss it. or all of the above. most likely all. whatever it is, I'm glad that zombing is over, couldn't bare it a minute longer

I'm sorry, I'm so self centered. In every situation its me who is in the wrong, I make life difficult for you. I force from you, an argument you never wanted to have. When realistically your the only one who cares. Who cares to care. I'm so far away from everything I've wanted and its you who brings me closer each day. So today I can truthfully confess my love for you. By saying my apologies. I'm sorry I throw you into an ever swelling rage. I'm sorry I ignore your endearments when I'm not in the mood for your antics. I'm sorry I bend the truth, and there must be some truth in what they rave about. I'm sorry I drink to the point of stressing our relationship. I'm sorry I need you more and more everyday. I'm sorry I litter your mind with thoughts of me, I distract you from your dreams, because unlike me you are so selfless, selfless enough to linger in the mess that is me. I'm sorry.