Broken Hearts Can Kill No thanks to the carelessness of some idiotic people who say they love you and don't. Who don't even have any love or care for you anymore.

I never know wat to put in the subject line. Well I'm pretty much about to kill over with all this crap that I have to live with! I've made the dession to brake up with my almost year long boyfriend. And its put me into a pretty hardcore deppression. I don't want to do it but I feel I need to. I don't know why but its just a gut feeling I've had for almost a week now. I don't want to cuz I luv him more than I've ever loved anyone else. And a week ago I wud have never thought of ending it and I wudve said that there was no reason to. But lately he's changed and I don't like how he's been acting. I saw him yesterday after not seeing him in a month. And I wasn't even happy about it..... I just sat and listened to every dumbass thing he had to say. I almost lost it when he had the nerve to cuss to my mothers face!! I mean I cudnt even look at him for more than 2 seconds. And when he came to say goodbye, he gave me a hug an said I luv u. And I don't think I meant it when I said it back......I don't even know anymore. And now I'm freakin out over how I'm going to do it. And I'm terrified over how he's going to act. And then there's the thought that I might lose my best friend. I don't know wat to do. I just sat and cried all night last nightand woke up this morning with my eyes swollen shut. I mean wat do I do if we don't get back together? Half of me wants to and the other half says no flippin way. This is insane. I just hope that I'm doing wats right.

Omg I'm soooo tired with being grounded. I mean yeah I messed up. But 3 months is a long time. I miss my. Best friend, my boyfriend, dance ect. I can't stand sitting at the house and not doing anything. I'm going insane!!! And I still have 2 months left!!!! I wish more than anything that my rents wud just except the fact that Christian (my boyfriend) is gunna be in my life for a longg time. He's not going anywhere. But then again I wish that Christian wud grow up and prove my parents wrong. And act like and damn 18 yr old and not a 14 yr old guy. Gosh my life is just getting crazee and I'm sick and tired of ALL OF IT! I wish there was some way I cud get out of my house for just a month or two to cool down from my parents and everyone else who thinks I'm stupid. I know wat God told me and then he proved it to me. So I refuse to think that it was anything else but him. (The fact that God told me I'm marring Christian) Cuz I know wats in my heart and mind. No one else does and I wish they'd stop acting like they do. Hello??? Its my freaking head you can't read it like a book. (Man I wish u cud though. That'd make things a lot easier to knw wat people are thinking but then again it'd take the fun out of it too) well I guess I'm good with venting for now. Well I do wish that my mom wud just be happy for me so she cud help celebrate mine and Christians one year anniversery in november. And not have to somehow celebrate in secret. Oh well plenty of time for that later I guess. Haha

I'm sick and tired of thinking I'm doing good things and not be. Or trying to do good and getting in trouble for it. I've relized to just keep my thoughts and feelings inside cuz they always make it worse. I just don't know wat to do anymore. I'm driving myself insane trying to fight with myself on doing the right thing or the easy thing. Its like there's 2 of me: the good and the bad. And lately the bads been over takeing the good. And its soooooo hard to deal with that. Its hard to tell anyone without them thinking I'm crazy or bipolar. I hate how mad I am all the time or how easy it is to get angry. Jeeze I'm ready for a complet overhaul of myself!!!!

Man I have had a bad day. I mean when you think about it its all tottaly my fault to get grouded for a month. I'm just tired of thinking I'm doing right and not be. Or doing somethig good and getting in trouble for it. I can't tell you how many days I just want to leave but can't. I hate how angry I am all the time. And how easy I get mad. I'm ready to give my life to God and not turn back!!!!