I don't know why I'm typing here. It's 1.30am and I can't sleep. Too many thoughts ticking away. The coffee I had before I started my shift is preventing me from sleeping, I'm sensitive to coffee after 5pm, but i just take it because I'm a zombie at work. I really don't want to be there. So many depressive thoughts, so much guilt I feel. Guilt that I feel that I am the shy girl, disgust or some sort of jealousy when I see someone getting along so well with other coworkers and is so well liked, but she is so stupid, I feel she talks to me as if I'm stupid. I don't know why I hate the girl, I think I accept this. I accept my hate for her, she hasn't done anything to me, I just hate her for being who she is. I just accept that now. It's not fair at all to her, I am being nice to her, maybe she senses that my feelings aren't true. but it feels nice to admit that. I'm sorry that you are a victim to my hatred, you have done nothing wrong, it's a feeling within me, I've seen it before. it's not a strong hate, I just don't like you at all, but you are so loved by everyone, maybe that's why I hate you.

But who cares really, I don't care what people think of me, the ones who truly know me are the ones I truly care about. That is all that matters, the people within my bubble, they are all I love, they are all that matter. 

I just had this awful dream, where my perspective was from a girl who was raped, about to murdered, but then escaped to some hostel where she meets other young people (maybe homeless) who have no where else to go to. The guy who raped her wanders around looking for her, he claims to be her father, and that is she disobedient and has mental problems. He goes around knocking doors looking for her. A few days go by when she hears him at the door, and hides crouched behind the couch begging them not to believe him, and then she tells them he had raped her, and planned to kill her, but she managed to get away. The setting where the rape took place is in the countryside, in an abandoned delapdidated house. When the guy comes round the hostel looking for her, the hostel guys believe her and 3 of their buffest guys start beating up the rapist guy. The rapist guy has a small blade from a switch blade in his hand and uses it against one of the guys on top of him. He gets the blade to slice the guys neck, everyone is shocked, and there is blood everywhere. The rapist guy uses this moment as his chance to escape. Meanwhile people are trying to give medical attention to the guy who had this neck cut. The girl who had been raped is now shaking and crying.

Viewing this from her perspective was quite horrifying, I truly felt scared for my life, especially that moment trying to run away from him initially. He said something along the lines of "you can run all you want but you won't get far. You're going to die" so I ran away pushing through the debris of the broken house, and debris surrounding the area, running along the grass but keeping close to the road, it was night fortunately. I ended up in a hostel (don't remember how I got there). I make friends at the hostel, but for some reason don't open up to them about the fact that some guy is trying to kill me, perhaps too scared or too shaken. 

It felt more like watching a movie, than being the actual person since I had little control of my actions. The feeling I had while dreaming this was like watching a Rob Zombie film, extremely unpleasant to watch other people suffering. 

I was glad to be woken up at this time of 4am, because I didn't want to keep dreaming about that. I was woken by my dad, who is leaving for his 2 week holiday. I'm pretty tired now, just wanted to write about this before I forget. Hopefully I'll dream of something better now.

I'm looking at my pretty lava lamp, talking to my boyfriend. falling deeper into sleep state. sleepy so sleepy. i  shared my journal with someone else i hope i don't regret it. I can only think of customers and my bf's soothing voice. No more suffering. very blissful. my coworkers said' that i look sick. I may be sick in the mind. my dad called my sickness 'lazy sickness'. I'm just tired all the time, I woke up nauseous. it seems to happen daily, im not pregnant, because i am on my period. I don't know what it is, I think it might be the birth control pills. 

i want to leave work, like how many other people have left. I really should. i dont want to be around love birds, and bitching people.