I feel your pain. I miss my ex sometimes as well. Maybe it's this time of the year to mourn past love while new love blooms. I feel like I'm falling in love, but I don't want to. My heart is tightly grasped and he tugs me close until I'm enclosed with his warmth and scent. It's such a light warm feeling. His smile breath and scent, and the stubble of his chin. I am falling in love. Even before I found any love I was a hopeless romantic. It pains me to think about my ex now and them, it seems like when I'm alone something will trigger the thought of him, and all I want to do is go back, but then i remind myself why we broke up. It may have been a bad idea to start a new relationship when I was still wasn't fully healed from my last one.

I write to you because I'm upset from work. I didn't do a good job today. I didn't stand at the til while I polishing cutlery talking to the girl working at the bar. I am bad at focusing, then a lady was just waiting there. and the chef told me off. I'm so bad :( I want to kick myself in the head and cry. Overall I did a good job but this job is pretty hard, I'm at one place while having to focus my attention on two things at once, and the customers come swooping in from the entrance to the counter, and it's partially blocked by some plant decor shit so i can't see them. it's unfair. I should put the bell up from under the counter so they can ring for me. because i'm bad.

I couldn't help but feel sad. What a sad scene, a sick girl with a cold, spooning out large amounts of icecream on a plate. I'm so hungry, but there is nothing for me to eat, so i go to the food that is least healthiest for me. in the fridge there is braised pork belly, and fried fish. What is there left for me, one slice of cheese, already ate it. 1 tub of yogurt, my mum has claimed it. 3 bottles of milk ...urk. some vegetables cooked in oyster sauce which i can't have. there's not even bread in my fridge. this is such a first world problem, but i'm struggling to cope with vegetarianism from time to time. I'm denying myself of things i used to enjoy and it depresses me. That dish looks so good, i can't have it because it has meat in it. Chef hands me a spoon and urges me to try his dish. sorry chef i can't have it. booo. what im left with a plate of vegetables.*cries inside* ok i'll go cook for myself now.

see you later

The pangs of emotional distress send me over, and I feel the demons entering my dreams. The demons have a distorted way of speaking, almost like snippets of white noise, and they have jagged teeth, but aside from that they appear very humanlike. In my dreams, they are my friends, I feel I can relate to them because they are neglected by the rest of the world. Last night I found them in an abandoned place in the urban sprawl, the walls are lined with graffiti and vines, mildew dripping down the walls, and the place smells of damp and it's cold, but i feel safe here. they welcomed me with kindness when i entered their place last night. i remember it quite clearly, I was lost, and found an abandoned building, there was bedding and there was also trinkets on the shelves and as i walked closer to bed which was mouldy and damp, i could see this sleeping form, it was a lady around 50-60 years old, she had dark skin, and . as i approached her i heard a noise behind me, turned around and saw a vampire like figure. he was around 30, and very pale skin and darkbrown hair, his skin was cracked and flaking and he had red eyes. i felt a sense of panic, turned my head back to the llady, but she was standing in front of me now. i was surrounded by two demons, who were just staring at me. then out of nowhere i  see a floating demon baby, who doesn't look human at all, it's skin is black and red, and it has black horns. the lady goes towards to baby, and starts talking to it in a ery motherly way even though i couldn't understand what she was saying, she is hugging it and patting it's back. and the guy walks infront of me and grins widely, then he lies down in front of me. for some reason, maybe mind control i start giving him a shoulder rub, and then he transforms into a semi tanned regular guy around 20 years old, all the while looking at me, smiling. 

I wrote the previous post on my phone, and it was too laggy on my phone to write something properly. My mind has gone blank again, what was I going to say. I had a nice day. Now I'm worrying about what the voice in my head sounds like to others. I am miss annonymous to you. yes indeedy. I'm like you fellow annonymous. You have great music tastes. and thanks for accepting my friend request on last.fm. I admire your character in this world, we are all characters in the game of life aren't we?  Um,  let me crack open my heart like an egg on my keyboard and tell you about stuff. So i'm looking into my religion, reading posts and articles on Buddism as well as reading a book on buddhism, that was given free from the temple I usually go to. I have been on a vegetarian diet for two weeks, there has been the occasional meat product in my food. that has happened three times. when i went to the restaurant with my parents and my mum couldn't finish her noodles soaked in fish broth i helped her eat it, but rinsed the noodles with the tea provided. and then i ate dry noodles rinsing that off under the sink and putting my own veg sauce on. and tonight eating with my "romantic interest" i ate noodles with oyster sauce on them. im still adhering to the veg diet, because i feel better reducing suffering in the world.

my bed is very soft and snug, and large. I love feeling craddled and covered. i've been meaning to hang out with my best friend for our once a month meetups but im so busy. i so want to hang out with her again, but lately i just feel like i want to hang out with one person. i really don't want to be 'overly attached girlfriend;'  

Hello world.. through the ripples of laughter and the smoke of water I found you again. No matter how stagnant the water is I find my way back to you. Though you may die before I reach you. Life is truly beautiful here

Im watching a film of my own life, completely immersed in I can feel it running through me and forms into beautiful thoughts and words on a webpage, but now I can't feel it anymore. I can't express what is no longer there. 

When I was deep into my depression I was truly felt my soul was raw and bare, and dark. I foraged through the underground crawl of the forest, walked across the moonlit path across a stone paved bridge and gazed at the fine rippling lines of the water, thinking how beautiful it would be to die. But now I am no longer thinking those things, I'm happy be born anew, but why do I miss it. why do i miss being sad and expressive. I cry when I hear beautiful songs of artists who have passed away, especially this song 

Nujabes - Aruarian Dance

Aww, i don't know what else to say. I seem to be attracted to people with depression, or people with depression will openly tell me that to me. I'm not very good at cheering people  up but I can be there to support and listen to them. I just feel sad when people I care about are sad. I was just thinking about my ex today, and how it seem like he didn't appreciate me but liked to keep me around. I was comparing my ex to my current interest. I feel unappreciated when they don't talk to me. I need to back off, but i have no one again, just one. the one im interested in, but he is seeing my flaws and may now want me anymore. I feel like crying when i actually confessed my feelings, and he said maybe were not meant to be, so im back to being alone. and setting my walls higher than before. I hate what love does.

my gamer friend is gone, he deleted me off skype. im upset about that too.