it's over now. the things that had to end. i hope he is ok. i hope he doesn't hurt himself. i still love him. it's very hard to break up with someone you still love. i don't know. im hurting. i feel like the pain will come in waves, and eventually come through like a tsunami. right now im swallowing the pain, taking it slowly. hasnt really hit me hard. probably will the more i think about it. during. all those times we were together. the two years we were together. nothing is as painful as this . i hate being human. i hate feeling so much pain. somebody save me.

so i got a friend stalking my journal now. i'm quite upset about because now i can't be myself. i showed him a screenshot of one of my post, with a funny comment attached to it. he went out of his way to google the name of the person who made the comment, and i hid my name. but he went on a mad hunt to find my journal. i'm  quite upset that i can't use this space anymore. I might have to make a new account, and journal.

When i mention things that make me upset about his behaviour, he tells me "you know this about me"... it doesn't excuse you for poor behaviour.

sometimes i feel like he has a crush on me, and if he is reading this. I hope he knows i don't see him as more than a friend. Kinda harsh, but i've told him in the past that i don't see him as more than a friend. I don't like the way he nags for my attention. 

I can see it as how i can nag my boyfriend for attention. because a girl needs love right? he is not doing that right now. giving me the attention i want from him. he doesn't tell me he misses me or loves me, it' s a big thing for me.

I sometimes work. i worked this weekend. it was tiring, and im pretty sure i gained a kilo or two. 

everything is pretty sucky. i feel lonely. 

I want to say so much, but when it actually comes to typing I am stuck. Funny that. I will try to type like a reasonable person. 

So some backstory on my life at the moment. 22, unemployed for 9 months, in a long distance relationship of almost 2 years.

I've been on the website for more than 4 years now, it's nice to see some familar faces also new friendly ones. I would hope this website becomes more chatty, but then again I'm not one to chat, as I'm afraid of what people think of me, and if someone's starts hating on my comment, it makes me really upset. I guess it's a fear, though no one has really done that to me. Can't explain it, Anxiety? Maybe?.

This year i want to be more happier, happier with myself, happier that I lost 11 kgs and never patted myself for it. Still see myself as how i think others see me, judging every imperfection on my skin, and calling myself ugly, (because i am covered in hedious scab scars). when i should be saying not perfect.

Ramble ramble. At the point in time, i'm ok, but thinking things over. The reasons why my boyfriend and I don't get along is because of my personal clingy issues, and his lack of effort towards communicating with me. I'm thinking of moving to where he lives in Melbourne, but I don't know if that would be a good idea. Pros would be I get to see him often, stablising our relationship, it's a nice place to live, a fresh start, away from family life which sometimes depresses me. Cons are, that I will be lonely, I have no source of income besides benefits, living in melbourne is expensive, especially by yourself and you know no one.

Only reason I want to go there is for him, but I am so close to my family I will be heartbroken if I move, plus my mum is not healthy (2nd stroke) so who know when that will happen again, and I'm afraid she'll become worse than how she is right now. I have a fear that I will lose my parents, and regret not spending time with them. So many fears, fearing things I should not be scared of. 

The things between us (me and him) make me second guess our relationship. He doesn't want to see me, even if i offer up to come see him this month. Flights are about $100 more or less. He is working as well which makes it hard for me to see him because sometimes he will work night shift or dayshift, and which ever day they will call him, and he works of a monthly roster, that he hasn't shared with me. It's just so difficult, he doesn't want to talk everyday whereas i do, i haven't heard his voice in 3days. and he doesn't care to talk, because hearing me, knowing i exist breaks his heart because i am not actually with him. I asked several friends and they said there was nothing much left, but i still believe that is something there for us. I still love him. 

I also said that he bragged, and he told me that I nag too much, and make noises when i want attention. ooh that hurt, because i now think it's true. I am just a big attention seeker, loathe myself :(

this sounds like one of those relationships that should just end, but it's very hard. as he is my first. first boyfriend, first kiss, first time having sex. it seems like a lot to throw away. I feel pretty stupid, but I am those things to him too. we would be throwing away our relationship if we gave up. anyone wanting to try a ldr should be aware of how hard it is, there is a chance that one person would want to give in, because the distance is too much. 

I am comfortable with the way things are, seeing each other every three months, for three days is ok for me, as long as I get to talk to him everyday. But he is not ok with it, because he needs me to actually be there, and to hug him and hold him, and to do stuff together. I would really love that too. He is very sad right now, and distancing himself from me. Kinda hurts. I feel much better writing this all down.

Im making him a care package, dont know when to send it, because he is not being nice to me right now, but i still care about him, and want to cheer him up.

I hope you all have a nice night.