i'm trying so hard to keep these keystrokes quiet. so as not to be heard and wake the others in this place. i fucking love being the only one up. the only one alive. everyone else resting cadavers. temporarily dead. lost. forgotten. annexed from this world. fuck. i felt so awkward today. but people still like me. it's reassuring and odd. but not unwelcome. i just feel bad. because i know i should probably care in return. but i just can't. i can't feel it. i don't get it. and sometimes i feel like i'm just not sane. i don't feel crazy. i just feel fucking different. afflicted i guess. today was just fucking wierd. so so wierd. i can't even- okay. i normally don't journal this way. don't list my days activities, i usually just record my broken reflections. because i'm fucking scared to be too open. even here. in this anonymous and insignificant place. haha what a joke. but... here we go. i do not get along with the people in my school. but there's a sacred few who i can tolerate. for minimal amounts of time. and that's rare. i usually can't spend ANY time around the denizens of this town. stuck up bitches and douche bag boys. no. but they still randomly enjoy me. despite me constantly berating them. they ask me how i'm doing, when i sit by myself. compliment nearly everything i do. affectionately play with my gauges. tell me how lovely i look. i really feel like the kid i babysit knew i had been crying. he had that look that says he knew. then his dog threw up. but i literally never cry. that was the first time in over a year. fuck you owl city. bringing up buried memories. FUCK that shit. i'm usually so angry and frustrated when i write here. but not tonight. i was barely offensive at all. who the fuck am i right now? it's okay i'm on drugs i'm on drugs i'm on drugs.

fucking fuck this shit. sometimes all i can even bare to think about is how fucking small this place is. my world is so contained. and it makes it so difficult to move on and forget and rebuild. i literally cannot forget a single thing here. because everyone is everywhere. i need a bigger fucking fish bowl. hahahahaha this place is such a fucking shit show. shit show. shit show. shit show. let it be known i swear without malice. these are just the words that best describe my frustration. best convey the way my fists shake from being held at my sides. so i don't bash their fucking heads in. don't hit these fragile walls... effffff.

why is it everyone seems to insist on cheating with me? i honestly feel like guys look at me and think, "hey. i could definitely cheat on my girlfriend with her." fuck that. whatever. if you don't care about your chick, then i don't either. so come on over, i'll make you feel good baby. girls are fucking idiots. it's true.

fuck this shit my chest is killing me. the ache in my ribs. this bone cage is clenching tight around my delicate and fragile lungs. FUCK. leave them be, they're just little babies. get drunk. get stoned. get fucked. don't sleep. smoke more. smoke more. smoke more. fake tattoos. ow my baby. ow. my vernacular is forbidden. nothing but dirty words. because i like to spit. why swallow when i get to see the looks on the faces of women. women who see me spit. ahh that look of disgust makes my day. my bloody fuckin day.

my dreams are fucked man. but last night's was so perfect. all his friends love me. they fucking LOVE me. do you get that? no one can understand. and he was there. but he was awkward. i ended up shouting to no one. "i can't stand this fucking place!" and i said it right there. right in front of him. then i walked out the front door, and slammed it right in his perfect face. he doesn't understand how i can be so angry. it sets my blood on fire. makes me fucking livid. fuck. FUCK. ugh i need to punch a wall. to release. i want to shout at him so badly. but i won't. because i'm the fucking shit. i'm the shit. but that boy. the preppy one, his lung collapsed. he makes me fucking angry too. he tells me i'm going to hell. that i need a better relationship with God. he refuses to stray from his form of religion. won't even entertain my thoughts, just tells me i'm wrong. fuck you. don't get all religious on me when you were the one cheating on your girlfriend WITH ME. you fucked me. don't you dare forget.