i do this stupid fucking thing where i keep starting to hate the people who love me. it's like i forget all the reasons why i love them back. and focus on all the reasons they're going to start to hate me. fucking stop it. just stop. he loves you. he loves you he loves you he loves you. please don't make him stop.

it was so perfect. just you and me. standing in the ocean, the sun lighting up our faces the same way your touch lights up my will to be. but it's terrifying you know. like there's so much riding on this. you're my forever now. the very first future i could see. you're the dogs i want. the place i want to live. the life i want to lead. i mean doubts come and go sometimes. creep up and scare the shit out of me. sometimes my only comfort is not being able to picture an alternative. because they all suck. i just have to remind myself to calm down. don't stress. just be happy for what's happening. don't worry about what's next. this is something amazing. don't be fucking greedy with it. it's real. i promise.

"i'm so fucking happy, i could develop a heroin addiction." you couldn't have sounded less enthused. but i also knew it was true. you're just tired. with your big sleepy eyes and your stance that makes you seem like you're always lying down even when you're standing upright. god it's so fucking beautiful that i can feel this. feel like i'm back. back to being manic and fucked up and seeing glory in every little thing. like seriously, what the fuck are you doing to me? it's amazing, don't stop but still. this is so bizarre. but definitely not unwelcome. there's so much shit i want to say, but it's pumping through my head so fast i can't keep up to catch it and write it down. and these cigarettes are going so fucking quick and you're in my bed. telling me how sleeping doesn't feel right without me. and it doesn't. it fucking doesn't. there are so many buts that i could think of, but right now right in this moment none of them even matter. it's all you. you're all it's ever been or could be. like i'm not used to this. you made me so crazy so out of my mind insane. and even though things got dark and messy... and i couldn't eat or sleep or function... that's the only reason things are like they are now. so fucking perfect. like fuck games. "i view everything as a competition until we're dating." "but it's not. it's really not." just the things you say. little tiny insignificant words that you string together and make sound so fucking good. calling me pretty girl and darling and kid, like some clean punk from the fifties. telling me we fit together quite well... that's all i ever fucking think about. how our hands fit together front to back, since we can't go palm to palm, mimicking the way we lay in bed and how fucking right it feels. just fuck man. fucking fuck. and it's so different. it sure is a mindfuck that's for sure. we haven't even boned yet. and it's been so long. but you're teaching me to not be greedy. my position has switched. and sometimes i don't think you realize what you. you were the one who told me that we are stars, burning real bright and that world can only stare. fuck. there's just too much good to put into words right now. and for the first time, i feel like this shit can last. no dread. just... comfort. so fucking weird.

so the games have officially begun. it's not just for fun anymore, now you've gone and made this a competition. GET FUCKED. i will tear you to fucking shreds.i'm gonna win this. i fucking have to. like ugh fuck this i just wanna tell you to get lost to go fuck yourself to die alone and miserable and friendless you self-centered, all knowing piece of brooding shit. but. that would be the quitters way out. and i am not a quitter. i am a winner. so it's on. haha you have no idea what you've gotten yourself into buddy boy. i'm gonna make you cry. and and and i cannot tell you how excited that makes me. hurrah hurrah time to fucking PLAY.

i have no fucking idea what to here. the pros and cons of this are way too equal, like seriously give me something to hold on to. i hate middle ground. i'm a very black and white person. i fucking hate the grey. gray? fuck. these cigarettes are going way too fucking fast. and my mind and heart are racing and i just... i just don't fucking know. but everything's so beautiful and i need to learn to just be. just be. just fucking be already. like i mean hunter was right. he wrote it down in black and white. i mean it wasn't him, but it was chenault. who is i guess a part of him. but it's not HIM.it isn't hunter. it's not. but it is. my life is full of such duality it isn't even fucking funny anymore. but i guess that i'm chenault. recognize when things are happy, don't hope for anything more. just enjoy the good before it's gone. because it will go eventually. but how the fuck am i supposed to accept that. no fuck that fuck you fuck everything. some things can last forever. it isn't over yet. but i can't help feeling like it will be soon. and that fucking scares the shit out of me. just STAY. just stay good. whatever there's always more. right? right. god i just want to be full of rage again.

we talked about our dads. and our grandparents. and how our mothers are saints. and how life is pain without reason. the most important lesson i've ever been taught. pain without reason. it's such a gift to know this shit. i just want some fucking passion to live with. he told me being passion-less became his passion. what a fucking messiah. goddamn.

i'm so fucking jealous. i want to be brave. as brave as you. to not even give a fuck about our society's expectations for the youth of our country i just want to quit. leave college. get fucked up every day, go to punk shows every night. you know. actually live while i'm still young. because i'm sick of boredom. sick of monotony. sick of fucking jock losers who think i'm interested. i've been down that road before. and sorry, but no. i won't stop swearing. no. i won't stop smoking cigarettes. no. i won't pretend to be interested in your boring friends. and no. i definitely don't think i've had enough to drink. there's no such think as enough to drink. are you fucking stupid? but hey, fuck it. right? because really. nothing is even real anyways. so calm your clit. get the fuck over it already.

the people in this place are such shit. holy fuck i can't even... put into words. i need to get out of here. need to get out before they suck me back down. kill everything i've worked for. everything that i needed. holy shit. holy shit. holy shit. i'm going to burn this whole place to the ground when i get the chance. FUCK. fuck you all. worthless.

it's so strange to be back here. it's like my life is a loop when i'm here. because i was so fucking happy, so... placated when i was away. i forgot everything i left behind. being back here makes me crazy. but it's so beautiful. all the heartache and pain i felt is coming back, returning. just fucking with my head you know. it's bizarre. there will be times, when i honestly believe i'm losing it. i think i'm crazy. and then i'll realize. i'll see the beauty in all this angst. because when i'm feeling so conflicted and distraught... i know i'm actually feeling. i'm really alive. i can have opinions. i can speak with honesty. i can just be. looking back on all this writing, where i poured out my anger and frustration. it's something. it makes me real. but then that moment passes and i'm fucked up again. all i want to do is be fucked up. fucked up. fucked up. fucked. up. just drink and go. and it's crazy, it's insane. but the reason i like you so much... it finally dawned on me. it's because you are exactly who i would be. who i'd be if i didn't waste so much time being scared. and all i want to do now is be you. and be with you. lets hatefuck. please... i want you to see that my heart's on fire. just like yours is.

damn i used to be so good. misery really does breed talent. because now that i'm happy, content... well what the fuck do i say? whatever. i'll light the match soon enough. where there's smoke there's fire. and this cloud's only getting thicker...