I walked up the steps to the fraternity I had never been to before. It was my first weekend of college life. Awkwardly I clung to high school friends, taking long sips of a mixed drink I had been given earlier. Inside the house was crowded and loud and I was uncomfortable and wanted out. I retraced my steps back to the front porch. The air was warm even though it was nighttime. As I stood at the railing, resting my arms on the fence, I heard you ask me why I was alone. I replied, without looking who I was talking to, that I wondered that all the time. I turned to face who you were and I remember hoping that you didn't recognize my sharp intake of breath. You looked at me with a small smile and leaned against the railing next to me, loosely holding a bottle of wine. After an hour of talking we had ended up facing each other with our faces very close together. You were the perfect image of who I am attracted to. You were beautiful. You had dark hair and dark eyes that seemed to understand every facet of who I am. In French, you said "je veux être avec vous." After a moment of feeling pure happiness course through my body I whispered "pour longtemps, j'espère." You looked at me as if I were the only thing you had ever cared about. You dropped the wine bottle, gently grabbed my hair and pulled me to you and kissed me on the forehead. I wrapped my arms around your waist, stood on my tiptoes, and kissed you on the lips quickly and then leaned back slightly with a sly smile. You answered by kissing me, hard. We would laugh every once in a while, knowing we were clearly visible for everyone to see. You were perfect to me. We ended up sitting on a bench together, talking about anything and kissing and people watching. I had to leave for some reason that I have long forgotten. You wouldn't let me leave for a long time, saying you never wanted me to leave you and that he would see me very soon. His eyes told me the same thing. I kissed him lightly on the lips and said goodbye and walked off into the night, holding back everything within me from jumping up and down with exuberant happiness.

We walked out of the cabin into the moonlight illuminating the path through the woods to the clearing. Through the haze I remember looking up at you and wishing that I could hold on to this moment forever. I felt your hands come around my waist and pull me close to you. I smiled and lightly put my hands where your neck met your shoulders and kissed you like I had been wanting to for a long time. And in our drunken haze we spent two nights together. You'd hold my hand in front of your friends and I was so proud. The freshman with the senior. "Is this real life?" was the only coherent thought I could form in my head. Randomly during the day I'd be standing in the kitchen and I'd feel arms wrap around me and I could feel that it was you and I felt as though there was a symphony inside of me. After all day of being together we'd fall asleep pressed against each other as though we were terrified of being separated by any amount of space. We slept on the couch for everyone to see, and I drifted off smiling and holding your hand.

I couldn't see that well as I tried to fight my haze through the hallway pulsing with people and filled with music so loud you had to yell at someone directly in their ear to have them hear. I dipped into a room to see if I knew anyone in there. I saw you looking at me and I played it off as though I hadn't seen. After a while of mingling I casually made my way up to you. You had deep blue eyes and a smile that melted me at your feet. And you could tell. We talked for a long time. I began to tell you how I had heard of you being a player and that you made out with the majority of girls at Tech and that, sadly, I would not join that group tonight. You looked at me for a moment with a smirk and said, "oh really?" and with a quick motion you grabbed me and pulled me to you so that we were centimeters away. I said, very seriously, "I don't want to be just another to you." After a brief pause of staring into my eyes you said softly, "You're different." I let you kiss me and your hands roamed all over me and I wanted to be with you for as long as possible. I felt your stomach and your arms and your back and thought that you were so attractive that I couldn't think straight. I pulled away after some time because I was needed elsewhere. You asked for my number and said you had to see me again. I said I had to see you again and gave it to you. As I walked out of your room I turned back to see you one last time and I caught you watching me with a smile. You were embarrassed that I caught you and made me so happy that I had to come back to kiss you one more time.

It was freezing outside and I wanted to be inside as soon as possible. As I approached you on the street we made eye contact and by some force of nature we both came to a full stop in front of each other. After talking shyly for a bit we discovered that we were very similar and you made me laugh every other time you spoke and I felt so at ease with you. After a bit we stood there staring at each other smiling. The silence was comfortable and I didn't feel cold anymore. You slowly lifted your hand a pushed back my bangs away from my eyes and behind my ear. Before he pulled his hand back from my ear I put my hand on his to keep him from doing so. We were frozen in this position for five long seconds before I melted into you, letting you engulf me while I buried my head in your chest. You took your other hand and lifted up my chin so my face was with yours. Lightly you kissed my forehead, my nose, and then looked at me for a long second before kissing me on the lips. Then you picked me up and spun me around, with both of us laughing. And I felt at home.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

The days would pass and nothing was heard from you. I have no way to get in contact with you. As the weeks turned into months, I finally came to decide that you had disappeared for good. A while ago I discovered that you live out of state. I do not understand why you left me. Even though I never will admit it out loud, I still hope to see you again.

You told me you didn't want to make me have a boyfriend that was going to be graduated next year and wanted me to have the best college experience possible. I stared at you like you were crazy. You said you were sorry and that you could never imagine liking anyone else. Two days later I saw you with another girl. Now I get to pass you in the streets and in the rooms and talk to you as if nothing had happened and that my heart doesn't break every time I hear your name or see your face. I do not understand why you abandoned me. But we are friends in the eyes of others, even though I hope you know how much everything about you makes me hurt.

I have not heard from you and I do not have your number. You probably will not call me and I probably was just added on to your list of girls for your collection. I miss you; I do not understand why you forgot me. I'm too scared to go see you again because I do not want to see you with another girl or tell me that you made a mistake.

You have a girlfriend. I do not understand why you lied to me. What was it that made you decide that cheating on her and leading me on was an okay thing to do? I feel betrayed and empty. But also, I feel hardened from the wear and tear of my heart. I know deep down that my time of love will come once again. It may be a few more years, or it may be for a few more minutes. But it will happen. And when it does I will look back on these memories and be glad that they occurred, for I would be a different person had my heart not been broken and healed each time. My husband will love my scarred, yet strong and passionate, heart.

this is going to be the last post i write on this thing. i don't like it, it's like it can't decide between being a blog and being some diary thing. and besides, all it does is remind me when i felt alone and was hurt all the time. i'm so happy nowadays that it's ridiculous. so basically i'm going to hit the keyboard a couple of times when entering the new password so i won't be able to log back on and post or read entries (especially yours, christian! (miss you.)). anyways, it's been fun, songmeanings. but i have to go live my life now. love, caitlyn.

today i was outside with my dog when it started to pour. instead of running inside, i laid down in the grass and felt the rain drench my body and my dress. i have no idea if it lasted a minute or an hour, but it felt like everything was being washed away. joe purdy's promise is finally fulfilled. everything disappeared: the fear of the future, the sadness of lost love, the frustration of not being able to be friends. when the downpour became a light rain, i stood up and looked around at the gray surroundings. at first i didn't understand how i was feeling, only now do i understand. the heaviness that has been planted in my heart for these few long months has lifted. then, as if on a cue, the clouds parted and i have never seen the sun and sky so radiant. the pavement and grass shone from the rain and it looked like i had found my very own heaven. i looked at my dog and my heart filled with such a strong love for her and my life in general that i almost cried out. this love is painful and overpowering and beautiful. and it was right then that i learned what the meaning of life is. for me, at least. love. that is the reason i was put here on this earth. not just the soul-binding romantic love, but different kinds too. like love for my family, love for my friends. love for my favorite food and favorite movie. love for who i am. so now everything makes sense. for now, no i am not in love, but it will come again. and it will be stronger than i could ever imagine. so for the time being i'm going to do what makes me happy. why have i been hanging on to things that cut through my heart? it is july 20th, 2010, 1:25 pm and i am officially letting go. and drifting through the current of summer until august 2nd. that is when my life begins again. "we must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us." - joseph campbell

i've created a way to make up my mind when my mind knows no way but its own and it's harder than dying and it's kinder than lying and it's better than being alone, i just remember my biggest mistakes and the ache that was born from those places and picture myself in the context of love and then measure the in-between spaces. it is no stupid thing to give ourselves up to the childlike trust in each other it is pure, it is real, to fall like ripe fruit like the baby who's torn from his mother so i've created a way to make up my mind and i'll justify falling apart there's no harm in resilience, its impractical brilliance we are learning to lighten the heart. the most perfect people have the heaviest feet and their feet are stained bitter with grass for if we keep safe the soft parts that can die and look only for structures that last the chest will split, the ribs will crack, the worms will greet our bones we'll decay in the silence of insincere violence and the fear that there's no one to own we'll stagger our sighs on willow tree thighs and the fear it's a sandcastle home it's all cleaner than dying, and smarter than lying and better than loving alone.