I'm going away on a cruise for a week. I should be extremely excited. Don't get me wrong, I am but I'm still having anxiety. I have nothing to return to. No one will give a shit that I'm gone. No one is going to miss me. I have nobody. I need to get away but I just don't want to come back. I'm a goner.

Everything is a memory. Everyday is a reminder.

Believe you me... I want to. I am begging myself to just do it but I can't. I just can't. I'm sorry.

I'm going to drown myself on my writing. Not on here much anymore (if at all). I have four screenplays going and I want to focus on my reviews. That's that, I guess. http://indiescream.wordpress.com/

I was doing quite well. I was driving home, smoking a cigarette (I need to stop smoking in my car), and "Float On" by Mouse Mouse came on. Whenever I'm in a funk, that song helps me. I immediately started to smile and just look around and the world looked so wonderful. But then I got home. Now I'm sitting alone in my room, on my computer, and that warm optimistic feeling is fading fast. I need to get out and do something but I have no motivation. I just opened all the blinds in my room and it helped a little bit. I just feel that I've lost everyone and everything. I don't know why but I feel very, very alone. I really hope this passes soon. I cannot take another few weeks of this nonsense.

I'm speaking figuratively, of course, like the last time that I committed suicide, social suicide. I'm just a wilting forget-me-not. I'm really not sure how I feel these days. My life seems to be slowly floating by and I have no strength to swim against the current I'm in. I really need a change. I need it now more than ever. Fuck, college can not get here fast enough. I need new people. I need new experiences. I need life. I plan to be forgotten when I'm gone, yes I'll be leavin' in the Fall.

I’ve done one of these before on Facebook but I felt what I wrote was really young and immature so I am doing it again on here and being completely honest/straight forward (credit goes to ForTheRecord for reminding me of this list). 1) My goal/dream/desire/driving force in life is to, one day, be a screen writer/director. I want to make film more than anything and I’m terrified that I’ll never amount to anything but I will pursue it with all my might. I strive to be Harmony Korine, Charlie Kaufman, Noah Baumbach, Paul Thomas Anderson, The Duplass Brothers, Lar von Trier, Jody Hill, Park Chan-wook, Sam Mendes, Stanley Kubrick, The Coen Brothers, Kevin Smith, and Quentin Tarantino. They have made the films that have changed me. They have shaped my mind and how I now view film. They have made me see how it should be. God, what I would give to be in their caliber. 2) I love music and I would love to play in a legit band but I have no confidence in my “skills” whatsoever. I love writing more than anything but I don’t think I’m any good. Oh, I hate my voice too and I’m mediocre (at best) on guitar. People tell me I’m good but I really don’t believe them. 3) I have extreme social anxiety. Okay, extreme is a strong word but I definitely have (err) strong social anxiety. I just freak out and get nervous around pretty much everyone but no one really knows because I hide it with everything in me but I freak out. I hate showing up late and having all eyes on me. I hate being too early. I hate waking up before my friends when I’m at their house and leaving and possibly having to interact their families. I have no reason for this but I get so nervous. I’m fine with meeting new people but I hate it at the same time. I’m rambling. I’m a crazy person. 4) My family just doesn’t understand how I operate. They think I hate them or something because I stay up in my room and fuck around on my laptop or watch movies alone. I don’t. I don’t hate them in the slightest. I just crave and need to be in my room or just by myself if I’m not with my friends. I really feel that my friends are the only people that understand exactly how I work… actually; only one of them knows exactly what’s going on in my head. God, I am so thankful for him. He seriously keeps me sane. He is the only person that I don’t worry around. I need him for that. Sure, it helps that we have pretty much the same sense of humor which for me, is pretty rare but having him during the serious times has practically saved my life. 5) I drink a lot of coffee and I smoke a lot of cigarettes. The latter is a more recent thing (aka it’s been going on for a little over a month now) but I’ve smoked a lot. It really does relax me. I’m not doing it to be fucking cool. That doesn’t even make sense. 6) I want to either live New York City or a cabin in the mountains. Polar opposites, I know but I need one or the other… or both. 7) I have extremely low self worth and the use of extremely is very fitting in this instance and that definitely contributes to my social anxiety issues. I’m baffled by how people seem to want to be around me. Though, my recent track record is portraying that my devastatingly low image of myself is ringing quite true. Fuck, I doubt myself all the time. I’m a just a cardboard cutout with some makeshift skin and bones. 8) I stay up way too late way too much. I love the night because I can be completely alone without any disturbance but it fucks me over for the next day. Either I sleep in far too late or I wake up too early, feel like shit, and take a nap, thus; repeating my cycle. I don’t mind it that much though. I’m used to it by now. 9) I hate getting phone calls from numbers that aren’t programmed into my phone. I really start to freak out and my heart races and I just, well, freak out. I have no idea why but it goes back to my anxiety issues. 10) I’m very self conscious. I rarely like the way I look. That includes my features and my clothes. I don’t like the sound/pitch of my voice and I feel so young/weak when around other guys. I’m not sure why but I just do. I freeze up pretty much around any girl I find remotely attractive that isn’t a “close” friend. “Close” is in parenthesis because now that I think about it, I’ve pretty much lost all my female friends I was once close with. 11) I’m scared about my next relationship. I’m worried I’ll fuck it up and end up alone. I must add that I am excited for it too. I can’t lie, I am. I’m not going to throw everything I have into it as fast though. I’m going to take my time and make sure what we have is how it should be (aka that it works for both of us damn near perfectly). I’m worried I won’t find a girl that can accept me for me. Hell, I’m surprised I’ve found the few friends I have that accept me for me. How am I expected to find a girl that will? God, I hope that I do. 12) I’m a very cynical person and I hate it. I’m cynical about being cynical. I try to hide it (which normally just results in silence) but I feel that everyone deep down can’t stand me. Hell, I can’t stand me so I can’t blame them. I just need to give more people a chance but to be frank, I don’t really want to. That may sound immature and I’m not an asshole about it or anything (well, that probably depends on who you ask) but I just like my small, tight-knit group. Okay… well, the group is actually unraveling a lot. Everyone within the circle is pretty much at odds with at least one other person so, I guess it’s not that tight-knit anymore. Hell, I find myself not giving a shit about a lot of it (there’s my cynicism acting up again). I really only desire to associate with about 3 or 4 of them now. That’s sad but that’s how it is. Oh college, you’re only a month away but you’re approaching at a snail’s pace. 13) I’m worried I’ve written too much and the random people that will possibly read this (who the fuck is going to read this…? Oh, right. No one.) are going to think I’m some depressed asshole that just needs to move on with his life. Welp, you’re probably right but it’s been this way for so long, I think it’s here to stay. 14) I don’t take pride in pretty much anything I do/own but I do in my DVD and record collection. It’s nowhere near a gloat worthy spectacle but I am proud of what I have and I really take care of those things. I take care of all my belongings but those especially. 15) I’ve semi-recently decided that I’m agnostic. Yeah… no more Christianity for this cowboy. That’s really tough on my parents but I had to do it. I couldn't fake it and lie any longer. It terrifies me that I can’t have the absolute truth. 16) I’m worried that I’ll end up completely alone and abandoned. I’ll more than likely be the cause for it but I’m still scared it will happen. Well, that’s all I have for now. I may add more to it later. Maybe. If you happen to read this, feel free to talk to me. I know this wasn’t the most welcoming/warm list but… yeah. Feel free if you so desire.

"I left my heart to the wild hunt a-comin'. I live until the call and I plan to be forgotten when I'm gone, yes I'll be leavin' in the fall." I just realized what today would have been. Hmph. Welp, The Tallest Man on Earth is hands down the only music blowing my mind at the moment. I listened to their (his?) album "The Wild Hunt" for the first time in full last Wednesday and it destroyed me in the best way possible. It's speaking to me so powerfully. I needed that album that day and I need it now. I consist of nothing but cigarettes and ink. All I do is smoke and write. Write and smoke. I feel... Well, I'm not sure but I guess that's okay with me right now.

I think I'm finally going to tell my parents about my depression. I didn't want to tell them until some certain things were sorted out and now that I'm headed on a good path with that, I feel they'll listen. I don't want to see a counselor. I don't want to be on meds. I talked to a close friend who is older than I am and he gave me some good suggestions to help balance my chemicals. I need it. I've been trying to pray it away for far to long. I think I'm going to stop smoking too. I've been coughing a lot lately and I really don't want to fuck up my voice if I am to get in the new band I'm pursuing. I have four left I think and once I'm done, I'm going to try to keep it that way. No more heavy chain smoking for this cowboy. God, I feel like I've been holding my breath and I can finally let it out. I'm much more optimistic. I'm still sad that one door of my life is officially closed but I'm excited to open the next one. The Tallest Man On Earth's album "The Wild Hunt" has been amazing to me lately. For some reason it had been speaking to me so powerfully. I'm excited for the future. A little nervous/weary but I'm trying not to be pessimistic anymore. I've decided I'm really only to confide in my family and one other person from now on. That's all I need to do anyway. They always look out for me and have my best interest at heart. I had a good day/night. It was stressful and my mind raced a lot but it was different. I'm still sore from past wounds but it's a different kind of "pain". It's a heaviness that I can see being lifted. It's a sadness that I know will pass in no time. It's an excitement that I am yearning for. I'm not completely content with where I am. Not in the slightest but I'm very hopeful and I'm keeping my chin up. This is good. Deep, clean, crisp, breaths. No more smog. No more soot. Okay... maybe a couple more.

"Jesus Christ, what happened?"