"It's like you assume some character and you take that as far as it can go and then it doesn't work anymore, so you shed your skin-and that's kind of what happened to me. I had become something that I probably am not in order to succeed and at some point I realized that, whatever I was, was hurting me, so I needed to go through the process of getting rid of that person. I had to kill off one part of me so that I could go on, and some of that started in the writing of the songs." -Billy Corgan, The Smashing Pumpkins Riley cancelled plans because he had unexpected band practice. But he wanted to reschedule so I guess that's a good thing. I had weird dream last night about Marcus... All I'll say is that it was influenced by the large, blue humanoids in Avatar. I think almost anybody who sees that movie harbors a confidential sexual attraction for them, though most wouldn't admit it. I really wonder what's going on inside my subconscious sometimes. Dreams are supposed to reflect your true feelings if you can manage to interpret them. But they're so bizarre sometimes I don't even know where to begin. In any case... Just work on the agenda for tonight thus far. I probably open tomorrow morning so I probably won't be going out later, but that doesn't always stop me. It depends what kind of plans come together I suppose. I always say this, but this week will be different. After work tomorrow I want to actually clean my room and move more stuff in from my old one. I need to do laundry too and what else? Chores. Bleh, being responsible is a pain.

This is a vow that I will not become a sorry human being who consistently updates her journal multiple times a day. But I’m allowing myself the luxury today because I think I’ll be able to focus better after I do. I almost feel as though a veil has been lifted from my eyes, or more accurately a Bandaid from a wound. I am better, I can breath again, but you know the sticky gross dirt encrusted gunk in an outline of the Bandaid when you take it off? I still have some stuff to deal with I guess. I almost cried when, for whatever reason girls do the things they do, I found Billy’s shitty old mobile home on Google Earth. This is stupid and degrading for a multitude of reasons, number one being that I only knew him for a week. Number two is that it was just sex. Number three is that it’s his fucking mobile home on Google Earth. Why should that make me cry? I guess because my virginity is somewhere inside its pixilated plywood and metal sheeting. No, I heard somewhere images on Google Earth have to be some odd years old for the sake of national security. So not yet. Just a whisper, a premonition, the opposite of a ghost.

I dreamt of homeless, drug addled men staring placidly to the west. Their eyes were black and shining like insect wings. They did not blink, nor do I think they truly absorbed the beauty of the sunset. Cold, unmoving, eerily peaceful. When I woke up I was drenched in sweat and confused. I groped for my phone to check the time - 4:30 AM. I feel utterly depressed this morning. It has nothing to do with the thick storm clouds roving mercilessly over the sky. It might be that I haven't eaten yet. I always feel especially sour when I'm hungry, even though most of the time I have little desire to eat. Most likely its the rut I've got myself stuck in, though its awfully trite to say. This repetitive schedule bores me. I want to do everything right but somehow I keep messing up. How can I ever make progress if I simply don't feel like it? Is it worth it to kick bad habits when there's really nothing else to do? I need something captivating. A hobby. I miss roller derby. I think I'd be better at it now that I'm older. I used to be limited by fear of physical pain. But now I'm fed up and angry and I think I could use these negative feelings to kill my inhibitions. Maybe I'll fall and maybe it will hurt. I can get back up, the pain is not permanent. Possibly I would feel satisfied if I concentrated on my school work. It would be rewarding to finish the 3.25 credits I've been too lazy to address. Wow, 3.25 credits and I'm procrastinating. I could be done in a month! I could be working and saving and sleeping in. I think what I really and truly need is a positive outlook, perhaps one of the most difficult things to procure.