Wow. Anger is definitely an emotion I've become familiar with, but I'm learning to release better these days. Actually come to think of it, Anger really isn't an emotion, it's an energy. It surges through your body & you get an adrenaline rush. I mean honestly, who hasn't lashed out when they're angry? You've probably ended up walking away with absolutely NOTHING, losing all you had in your hands for relieving all you had in your head. There's always a way to gain something back, but we're never truly guaranteed everything. Anger works in funny ways. For me it's finally worked it's magic & I've learned to manipulate it instead of the other way. I've made it work to my advantage. I've managed to work it so I ALWAYS get something in the end. Whether its just peace of mind or actual pay off, anger is finally MY slave. Anger happens when your tongue works faster than your mind. Things come out that were never meant to come out & that doesn't always necessarily make you feel better. You just have to learn what the small things (I.E. matches) are and what the big things are(I.E. gas can). Empty the gas can so the matches don't set off a fucking bomb.

Nothing makes sense anymore. I hate feeling guilty for shit anymore cause I used to beat myself up over that. Even where guilt should be, I do my best to avoid it. And then I feel no guilt for that. I'm one fucked up person. I just want her to walk out of my life one day; make me realize my shit. And I want her to stick to it; make me miss it. I honestly wanna feel like how things would be without that rock in my life. I just wanna be by myself & then do it all over again. I don't want this, I don't want any of this. This is all fucking bullshit & I'm doing it myself. So if I could make it appear so easily, I can make it disappear just as easily, right? For real, fuck you Natalie.

And it's true I can't live without you. The thought let alone the actual physical sense of it sends trembles through my body. Sometimes there are words better left unsaid but when they surface, the scars they leave are far too tremendous to forget. I wish I could go back in time. I walked around aimlessly last night & couldn't help but think of all the situations I could've handled for the better sake of you, for you. I can't help but turn the ideas over in my head how much more he can give you. Then I just ask myself, why didn't you, why can't you, why couldn't you do this all for her? Love her unconditionally the way she so deserves. But I was so consumed in finding the girl you fell in love with that I fear you fell out of love with who I am now. I'm losing both sides of me & there's nothingness in my presence. It's painted on my face, it's etched into my body, burned in my mind. She's no longer mine. And there's just this void in me, there's a voice telling me that no matter what happens, my life with her just couldn't be the same. The promises I made. The hurt I inflicted. It's all me me me. I wish I could show that it's all about her. I want to close my eyes and let her inside. But I'm lost inside my head. My head is inflating with how many thoughts flutter my head. I'm already torn in half that she loves him. Is this how it always is?

There are days that go by that I seem okay with your idea of loving someone else. Those days are full of false conceptions of reality and things that I surely don't mean. Your face burns in my mind when I see a photo of you and know that you don't feel the same any longer. It's hard for me to understand. I want you more than anything and I will show you the world. And baby, the world is beautiful. I'm sure you will see it either way, but you really are an addiction. I don't have any emotions anymore and it bothers me why I can't care for school or sports or even family stuff. Numbness surrounds me but you're not to blame for that, there's plenty of reasons. I've lost it. Control, I mean. I've never been an adrenaline junkie but you gave me what I need and want. It's so crazy hun. "We live and we die." I plan to enjoy the time I have on this Earth, this indefinite amount of time. I will make the world go our direction and the sun seem brighter than ever. Darling, you will always be my true love and whatever you decide will seem right. No ultimatums. Just huge decisions, right?

I've come to realize; when one thing falls apart, nothing else seems to fit anymore.

I always end here. & I feel like there's nowhere to run. & it'd be so nice to fall apart. & I wish I could've done better all along. & I wish I could be there for you the way I should be.

I look at you & what do I see? I see a world slowly crumbling to pieces. I see a future drifting in the abyss. I see a "you and me," no longer a "we." Why? Why do things feel so broken. There's not much to say. There's not much I CAN say. But at the end of the day, I wanna be the shoulder you cry on. How do I incorporate you into my life without hurting either of us?

So I'm sitting in computer class right now, sitting, wondering, thinking. How did this all happen? And so damn fast too. I don't know what's supposed to happen from here on out. I woke up one morning and had realized something. I can't be what she needs. I wish so bad I was because I planned my life around this girl. It's like all these months with her seems like a waste to her. It was never considered a waste to me, all the love and effort to make things work. But you can't make someone love you. So she's moved on. Junior year plan isn't looking too bright anymore.