Well as the titled states I lied, the previous entry was suppose to e the last, although I didn't really believe it would be. Well I usually write poems to clear my mind of my thoughts. Well I did it again, I hope all you read it enjoy, and feel free to comment. Final Goodbye My final goodbye has been said Your laid to rest in your last bed. As the coffin closes I blow a kiss This time the moment isn't bliss.  One more time I'm left to cry, Wondering to God why? It seems I lose all I love, Taken away by the powers above.  Your dead to me, singing a different song It isn't with me that you belong.  My love will continue on forever, But this cord to you I must sever.  I've accepted that were not meant to be It was a wonderful dream, the one of you and me.  Without you I'll have to learn to cope, Sliding further down loves deep slope. Burying all my emotions in your grave, But your still the drug that I crave.    But one final time I'll say goodbye, A life without you I'll have to try.     

So I haven't wrote in a while, I heard some things you said about me, in a less than desireable light. I pray to all gods, that they aren't true but the more I think about them the less I can convince myself they are true. It's like when you look at an object through a glass, and the object is disfigured but I have convinced myself of what the object is, but then you see the object without the glass and you see that what you thought the object is and it's nothing close to what you thought it was, but when you see it through the glass again you can't see the object you first thought it was. I thought we might actually have a chance, but now I don't think we do, I really wish I could but I doubt I can convince myself we will. I feel like you were just saving me for a rainy day, like you just kept me around when life was hard. You only seemed to reply when life was bad for you. I serious hope I am mistaken but I don't think I am. The truth is always ugly and I guess I see that clearly now that the glass is gone so to speak. There was one time you txt me and said "I love you, you are a beautiful person". I never believed that you meant "Love" in a romantic way but more in a friendship way, but those words were like music to the ears of a deaf person who is hearing for the first time in his life. I miss you treadfully and still love you with all of my heart. This will be the end of the saga of journals I have been composing about my feeling for you. This is more painful the I care to express, and even if I tired I don't think that the frail words for the English languge would do my emotions and thought justice. No matter what life brings for you and me, whether it brings us together or further apart I will always be here for you I'm whatever way I can. Although I may not physically be there, I can promise that I will be there for you. My last words that I will leave with being said are; Miss Ford, you will always have my heart and I will love you till the last beat of my heart finally fails me.

So last night after the game I didnt get to say goodbye. I was standing on the bleachers waiting for you to walk by but it never happened. As I finally had to leave, I just had to settle with a tip of my hat in your direction. I really hope that soon Ill be able to show you just how much you mean to me and when that day comes, if it ever does I will seize the moment and never let it go. Cause if I can get one moment I fear that is all I get and if I never let it go I wont be able to lose. And I never want to lose you

As the title implys I've had a few shots of vodka but since I can't txt you and tell you that I love you I'll just tyep it on here. I just wish I could tell you, I know that I usually tx you wen I've been drinkg, but I've decided tonight that I probably shouldn't, although I'm sure I sill will. Just so you knoW, if you som how read this, I really do love you and I would do anything to prve it too you. To be honest I think you already know it. But just in case you don't I love you and would giv my soul to look you in the face and kiss your nose in a sweet way, but I know hoe much you hate when people touch your nose, but I don't hink I could stop from doing it. Well I'm about to pass out so I'm going to go, but I love you and I mean it more than ever.

Well, I think Im going to go to the game on firday so I can see you, as much as Id love to go see Corey Smith in Evansville, Id much rather see you, even if we dont get to talk, just a smile more a glance into your brown eyes will be worth more than anything I could experience at the show. As Im sitting at my computer now typing this entry Im listening to Beethoven's Romance on violin, its making my skin crawl. Even though there are no words in it, I can feel the sadness that he is expressing, yet my heart races as it builds. Its funny, cause I feel the same sadness when I see you and know it isnt my hand that your going to be reaching for but my heart continues to build as time goes on. Though there are the rough times, like when I txt and already know that no reply will come, but I know that I was able to tell you something and I can picture your smile and hear you laugh echo through my thoughts, and its wonderful. The meer thought of you can lift my spirits and give me a better outlook on they day. The song doesnt give a definite end, the song doesnt end on and overly sad or happy note, which is the same for me. I want to be there for you be the one to tuck you in at night, be the last person you talk to before bed and the first when you awake, but I cant convince myself that it will happen, I would love for it to and feel that the odds are in my favor just a matter of time, but 100% Im not sure. I guess it will be one of the long challenges that I endure, but I will endure for your love, because I have deemed you so highly that your worth to be can not be measured. The poem I wrote for you comes to mind: I wish upon a star, Somewhere way up far. Maybe you'd be mine. Just a matter of time. One day I'll hold you in my arms promise to keep you safe from harms smile, lips touch, then we kiss I'll be left in a monet of bliss. Hold you oh so tightly kiss you oh so lightly It will be a dream come true When it's jut me and you Just a matter of time One day you'll be mine. There are days when I seem to lose heart, I want to convince myself to move on, but how could I ever forgive myself, even if it was possible to do so, lol. Which it isnt, I dont even have to try and fail to see that. I know even if we dont end up together, I just want for you to be happy, even if I can be the one to truly make you happy. If I can look into your beautiful brown eyes and see that without a shadow of a doubt your happy, I will be able to be happy myself. I would die to be the one that makes you feel the happiness I feel when I even think of you, but in the end I just want you the be happy. I love you, and I hope one day to be able to look you in the face and get lost in your eyes and tell you I love you and hear it back, but until then I will continue to kiss your picture goodnight and pray that when morning comes Ill be one day closer to that dream.

I txt you and I know that the likelihood of you replying is 0, but I still reply. I have often asked myself why? I never really have been able to establish an answer but I also never have stopped txting you. I feel as if I stop I am abandoning you,which I will never do, and if I were to abandon you I would never forgive myself for it. Some things in life are worth fighting for, I think that is why I havent stopped txting you even though I know your not going to reply. I hope your reading them, I hope your seeing how strongly I feel, how much you have enthralled me with all that you do. As I write this I wonder if youll read it, and if you do, did we ever happen, or are we together now. You will most likely never read this, and I will most likely write my feelings down for a certain length of time and then will cease to do so any more. Just has I will only need this journal for so long I wonder if my only reason in your life was to see you carry on? I have no doubt that you will go on to wonderous things, the sky isnt even a limit for you. I understand that moving on is part of staying where you need to be. But, if I am really just in you life for a small purpose and will at some point fade into the past I want to let you know Im am proud to be part of your history.

If journals and diaries are for us to write our lives down in, does that mean that the complexities of life are actually simple enough to be composed into words and written down into the confines of a peice of paper? None of what follows has anything to do with the pervious. I wonder if you know how much I am haunted by your face? yet, as much as it hurts to see you I would die for one more glimpse of your smile. I dont know why or how writting down my feelings helps but it makes me feel as if there is a hope that I will be the one standing beside you at some point in life. Today I awoke from a dream where we were hugging, standing out in the medow beside my house. The sun was shinning and the beautiful fall breeze started to blow and never stopped. As I started to come to and wake up, you started to fade out of my dream. As I could feel your arms loosening around my neck, my arms squeezed ever tighter around your waist and I whispered "Dont let me go, dont let me go". Yet I still woke up with out you. Its utterly painful to sleep, cause then I dream, and when I dream its of you, but when I wake you not there your a hundred miles away. But I still look foward to sleeping because in my dreams is the only place I get to see you. Its bitter sweet though, knowing that in my dreams, a twisted fanasty where no others have a chance at your love. My dreams are mirrored oppisites of the real world, yet I still can find a shred of comfort in them.