Currently Playing: Back to Good by Matchbox 20 okay, so i said i was gonna post some older stuff, so here goes. wait. pause. killer lyrics. "everyone hides shades of shame but looking inside we're all the same." learn something, people. okay, approx. date is may-something 2009. "You know what i think?" he said quietly. "i think the truth is that you miss her. you miss having her as your best friend. you miss telling her everything and tursting her to keep your secrets. most of all, you miss feeling like you belonged somewhere. you dont really hate her; you only act like you do to cover up how much she truly hurt you."

Currently Playing: Push by Matchbox 20 do you believe in redemption? in forgiveness? is there really such a thing as a second chance? because i have been standing on the fringes of reality, unable to determine what was truly hapening around me and what was merely psychosomatic. someday i will fall into the darkness that is pulling down and down, ever closer to the bottom. there in the inky shadows i shall live with her ghost, with the tattered memories that once were my dreams and my LIFE. look at me now. im standing here in the pouring rain where nobody can tell that im crying. im bleeding to death from the gaping hole from where i was stabbed in the back. it never ends. it doesn't exist. nothing exists. then, silence. then, black.

Currently playing: the worst way to retaliate by my favorite highway wow. i found this note book filled with old writing, so im gonna be posting some of that for at least a few days. its so strange to read something you have no memeory of writing, because then you are lie haha i wrote that and its the greatest feeling in the world. well, second. the greatest is having someone else read it. so without further ado, here goes nothing originally written: august 16, 2009, 11:11 pm you;re right. i dont know everything. hell, i dont know ANYTHING. i dont know what's gonna happennext or how this will turn out what what color the fucking sky will be tomorrow. and you know what? it scares me. it scares the shit out of me that i dont know these things. but that's life. and all we can ever do is try to make the best as the cards are dealt.

Currently playing: panic Switch by Silver Sun Pickups originally written september 28 2008. happy anneversary. one day late (haha i couldnt find it to post yesterday) they told me this would happen. but did i listen? no. im beginning to think that i should have. after all, they've only ever had my best interests in mind. too bad this time i followed my heart instead of my head. i want this so much it hurts. maybe next time ill listen. but chances are, i wont. because when you feel the way i do, when you know that you cant go on without someone, you never stop to think about whats good or bad or right or wrong. you just go along with the moment. i want to believe that i did the right thing. i want to trust him. but its so hard when all my life ive been stabbed in the back or kicked to the curb. i need him, more than anything. and just thinking about the possibility that he doesnt need me too kills me inside. all i ask for is the truth. and the truth is, for the first time in my life, i dont know what to do.

words of advice from my secredt childhood idol...... youll never get to heaven or even to L.A. if you dont believe there's a way. and for the record, heaven's not a place you go when you die; its a moment in your life when you actually feel alive

currently playing: nothing, just blissful silence :) She’s different from the rest of the girls. She’s not fake. She is beautiful, but she’ll never admit it. Music makes her world go round, literally. She loves to sing and dance and act crazy with her friends. Skinny jeans and too much eyeliner are her trademarks. She’s fascinated with the stars. She’s terrified of being alone, and obsessed with coffee. She will over-analyze everything you can possibly say. She can argue, but she hates when it’s over nothing. She hates drama; she can live without both it and the people that cause it. She focuses on her future- but she lingers in the past. She loves opinions and diversity. She sees the beauty in every sunrise and every tear that is shed comes from her heart. But when she does smile, her whole face lights up. She’s too smart for her own good, but the one thing she will never understand is why nobody can love her as much as she loves them.

so maybe i was blinded all this time, and life is all an illusion, and time doesnt even exist. maybe this is all a dream, a very persistant NIGHTMARE and there's no one there to wake me up. it doesnt exist the voice whispers to me as i lie awake in my bed, dreading the neverending darkness that surrounds me. none of it exists. in the morning i take a deep breath and reach for my coffee. its my only comfort in this crazy world. coffee, and the stars. but there are no stars during the day. at least-- not where i can see them. i am alone, all alone. it doesnt exist, the voice whispers. and all the creatures of the darkness turn their empty faces to the starless sky and whisper back... ...it doesnt exist.

Currently playing:fairyland by angelzoom i'd like to believe that there is a chance that i can be forgiven, but i know that i cannot. there is no hope, there is no forgiveness. there is no way to live with what ive done. i look now to the stars for guidance, looking to their eternal ethereal beauty for answers to the questions that keep me awake at night. do they know the secrets of the universe, i wonder? oh, how i long to join them in all their grace. there is nothing for me here in this world. i do not belong to this life. i am not meant to live here amoung the soulless bodies that roam the barren lands. there is no wonder in their darkened eyes, no love for the magic that formed this fragile world which we so precariousl inhabit. soon....yes, very soon, they will see. i do not believe that they will understand, but soon they will see.

currently playing: strib nicht vor mir by Rammstein and in the end we're all just specks. insignificant, and infinately finite. we are born, we live for a split second, and then we die. our lives are over before they have even begun. someday i am going to die. maybe tomorrow. maybe even today. after all, its only almost ten. i am not yet sixteen. my life has hardly even begun. how curious to think that at any given time it might end. until then, we are living in a blissul oblivion, waiting to live, wating to die. waiting for something- anything- to make life worth living. for we all need a reason to wake up in the morning, lest we'll sleep away our days until we may sleep forever in the darkest abyss that is death. and in the end we're all just specks.

Currently playing: Bad Day by Fuel Life is such a tedious thing. And oh so insignificant. Take into consideration the stars. thousands upon thousands of tiny specks, seemingly so unimportant. yet those stars have been there for years, maybe eternity (though of course there is the ever-present question of what eternity even is...). we see those same stars everyday, and hardly give them a second glance. but when i have died and there is nothing here to remember me by (for i am quite certain i shall fade away and be forgotten) those very stars will still shine. perhaps they shine for me, and the others like me who pause to admire their everlasting beauty, mystery, intrigue. perhaps they shine simply because that is all they know how to do. i would like to think that there is a chance for everyone to shine like the stars. life has been kinder to me than some. why is it that we cannot find happiness? i believe that happiness is unnatainable. there is no such thing. for happiness to me is different than the next person. and we only want what we want until its ours (Train- Calling All Angels). But i believe that all we can do is make the best of what we have. happiness is a choice. everyone wins and loses and hurts and loves and laughs and cries and dies. such is life. death is life. life is death. makes you wonder.