you messaged me back. that's something that i definately did not expect to happen. i was surprised, that i didn't really care. i think there's times, like, at 4 am, when i'm exhausted and i feel so lonely, that i miss you, or maybe it's more that i miss us. of being part of an us. but this morning, it was okay to message you. i truly wish you all the best for america, for it to go well with this girl in georgia, if that's what you want. it seems like it's where you should be, who you should be with. maybe one day we'll be friends again, but i'm okay, for now, to be how we are. and, i would kill for a beach holiday, just quietly. today is going to be such a non day. dishes, stirfry for breakfastlunchdinner and then work. ain't this the life?

i was going to stop drinking for two weeks, then reward myself with a piercing. i made it four days, until jess got home, bringing jan and maggie and drunkenness into the house. then i got persuaded to go into town, and a zen shot was placed in front of me. 1 shot, 1 cider. that's not too excessive right. i'm wrecked though, 48 hours, no, almost 3 days on about 3 hours sleep. i can't do this.but my body won't let me rest. and i'm scared, i'm scared that jess will do something, i'm scared and i can't do anything to help her, she's beyond help right now. she needs time, and distraction but she doesn't feel like she can last through it. and oh god, i do not want to be cleaning up another suicide attempt, i do not want to come home to a body, or news that something's happened. and the selfish part of that, for me, is knowing that i'd have to move back home. i couldn't handle that. and i've put both hands on. before, i fell asleep for a really short time listening to untouchable face. i miss you, i shouldn't and i should give you space. but i need to know what that tumblr post meant, i need to know if you meant to quote ampersand when you wrote the dream story. and i'm trying to stop myself from reading it. i am just so sad. i fucked it, forever. i was so close to having you back, and then i fucked it. and it's horrible, because the more i realise i like emma, the more i realise that i miss you more, and that there is still something. maybe i'm still going through the stages of grief? but i miss you. i miss everything, i'm getting detached again. and i'm so goddamn lonely, but i refuse to have another one night stand, and i don't ever fall for anyone. the only people since we broke up, have all been people that I really can't have. my body hurts from this sadness.