so goddamn fucking lonely.

you should have been there, i was aching for you, and it just didn't feel right without you. and today, at vegan festival, where were you to make silly comments? i miss having you in my life, i miss you. so much.

but they've gone what were they? all this working, i find it so hard to construct sentences these days. i need to sleep though work was so shit and i've started fantasising about cutting. the thought the red the pain the peace but i shouldnt its not even that bad my body just aches and aches and i'm so sleepy and this fucking essay is due in 5 hours, I haven't even started, I doubt I will even do it i just feel so fucking alone and the kitchen's a mess. i can't be bothered cleaning it. i can't be fucked doing anything. it's like that right now. blatantly lying to my family about uni. rarahhrahh. i'm just going to get drunk. at 8 am. whhoo.

I don't like your blog,not really, but i still check it every day because I want some glimpse of how you're feeling. I'm sorry I've hurt you so much, that this time, more than anything else. I'm so sorry, I miss you.

care, about what you consume, produce, about what you waste, and where that waste goes. care about yourself, others. care so much it hurts. care about something, anything, even care about not caring. just fucking care.

While I've made the decision to stop eating meat, I don't feel like I know enough to say I'm veg, I don't know how much protein and stuff I'll need to get from other sources, about ethics of buying food (in general, not just the veg thing) about animal ingredients that aren't obvious. All of that, and that I don't want to have another label. I just want to be. And Anne, I'm not going to talk to you about this, it's nowhere near my place, but she's hurting so bad. Is it just denial? Or is it that you hurt so bad too. Maybe you don't talk about things. But Jess needs something, to not even look at her. She needs at least one answer, to have hope? Or to just know you don't care. I really do wish that soon, as soon as possible, you'll be able to talk to her. She needs it.