why do i do this to myself? waiting for th sun to come up so i can put the chickens out and then sleep all day before work tommorow. i'm allready wanting to cut, bite, burn, hurt myself, then i somehow find myself reading our chat history and i'm crying and shaking and i don't understand all i knwo is i'm making myself saddder and sadder and that's stupid and i really don't know. i just know, i feel fucking horrible, i need someone to come and hold me, put me to bed, anyone. i don't fucking care who. just someone.

i write this journal for myself, if an entry is adressed to you in anyway, then it's me communicating with you. otherwise, it's just for me. last night. i'm sorry. i guess i knew you'd read that post eventually. i didn't mean it to hurt, i wasn't even thinking about you when i wrote it... does that make me selfish? possibly. i'm sorry you heard details, but if i feel like it, i'm going to write about her. and yeah, it's a just a crush, a strong one but just a crush. have you noticed, we've swapped roles? the other day you were telling me about your thing for caitlyn, and for that other girl (? maybe, i can't remember) and i said i didn't want to see you. i think.. i think, that we need to be apart. the going from not being together, to being just friends straight away never works, and we've shown that. and i won't deny, in the future, i probably/may will want to be with you again, there's still a part of me, that thinks 'what if' after america, or even, in less of the future than that. i guess, i forget sometimes how different we are. i don't know what you want, and i don't know how i can help you.we were together such a logn time, and to be honest, it was very intense for most of it, so it's going to take time to get used to that. i'm just going to leave you be. and as a warning, i may post more about emma, or what i've been doing. just ignore it, but i've been writing heaps lately, all of which will probably be posted here eventually. i want to get back into writing. i can't think of anything else to say.

sorry.look, i'm not completely over you, howver i'm really drunk right now. who knows what will happen with emma, if it does, i have no idea. ther'll always be a place for you, in my h eart. but honeslty, i'ver met someone, she make3s me laugh, and if anything happens it does, if nothingm then it doesn't. that's all

i did not get enough sleep last night, and biggles then went and somehow locked himself in alice's room and ate everything and made a massive mess >< grrrrr. however, it was worth it (: she rocks up at work, and then offers to drive me home... this girl who lives in the barossa. she's pretty cool, ngdrjkgdfjk she just makes me happy, her goofiness, the fact that she can somehow speak ancient eqyptian and arabic, her tattoos.that her favourite drinks are midori and cider. i could go on... i know so much about her yet i havent even known her a week, but it feels like so much longer. i'm not being very articulate about this, i unno, she just makes me smile. who knows what will happen? (though i really hope i meet her in town tonight, and that she'll stay over, because i'm sick of having a kingzise bed to myself :p )

i won't reply, but i know you'll check here eventually i'm sorry you're feeling shit, just try not to think about anything to do with us. it's okay not to talk, not to see each other. it's fine, i'm okay now, and you will be soon too. we had a long relationship, and that takes time, and space apart to get over. i'm not going to say i'm completley over you just yet, but compared to my last few posts i'm a whole lot better. i'll be waiting here, for when you've sorted stuff out, to be your friend. i really hope you stop feeling shit, i hate knowing that you're sad, and that i'm the cause of your sadness.

i'm housesitting, spending heaps of time alone, working and going out fair bit. spending time with friends, on holidays for uni and i am so happy, i'm just content. i like this. (:

or is it early in the morning? i don't even know anymore, i don't know. i fucking work all the time, at crazy hours, without enough time to sleep properly between them. and i'm feeling sick from being so tried and just dirty and grimy and gross. my bed is horrible, my dreams are scary. and i'm so fucking lonely. and sore. always sore. right now the only thing i want is someone, and by someone i mean you jay. to hold me, sing me to sleep, keep me safe. all of that. i just don't feel strong enough to do any of it. i thought i was going okay with getting over you, i thought it was fine. until we started talking more, and you're so familiar. and i don't know. i found that line. THAT ONE WHERE YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME MORE THAN TEGAN AND SARA. and i'm still crying because i miss us, and we were so good. and i don't know what happened. but i'm pretty sure it's my fault. i hurt you like i always said i would, even though i tried not too. but i'm just a fucking bad person. bad person. I JUST FUCKING WANT TO BE OVER THIS ALREADY. I WANT TO BE OVER YOU. i'm so angry right now. but i don't want anyone else. i just want to not want you anymore, and you've moved on already. and it sucks. and you propose things for possibly after america. and it's so fucking confusing. and on top of it all i'm so tired and i just want a hug. and i want this to be over i want this to be over i feel fucking pathetic and i so hope you don't read this anymore i want this to be over. OVER. OVER. OVER. OVER. OVER. OVER. i can't handle it right now. tomorrow is going to suck. the next two weeks are going to be horrible. 65 hours, in 2 weeks. why are the fuck do i need that many hours? when i only got paid 23 hours for the week before... and now my other pay book's gone, and 65 fucking hours. where is my life? i make subway for most of it. whoooo!!! i need to sort out who i'm seeing and when. cramming in the most important people in my life around making sandwiches and serving drunk cunts. i'm so fucking out of it right now. i just fucking feel horrible. so sick. and i want to drink but i can't because my liver will explode. i am going to listen to the rest of my alkaline trio play list, and then the used. and hopefully i';; be asleep and wake up in a better place, a better time... but wait that's streetlight. anyway.