i miss you, and not so much in an i miss us way, because i do miss us. tonight though, i just miss you. we started talking on chat, and now the conversations kind of halted, but i still want to talk. however i don't want to.... you kept it up (: that really fucking makes me smile. you telling me that, about counting back from a hundred, i felt like you were here. for some reason i read that in the most tender voice. fuck. i stilllove you, so much. i'm still in love with you too. but, i do have alittle crush. on mik, who is straight, so straight. and yeah, she's gorgeous and feisty and amazing, but don't know. it's nothing serious. but like, she's lovely, she came and visited me at work saturday, when i was doing drag alone. tonight, she was sitting on the bench and i turned around, and just saw her, and i had the most overwhelming desire to kiss her. she has lovely lips. but still, not as beautiful as Jay. and it's not serious. just a passing fancy.

you took the only nice photos of me, as far as i can find. i need a new one for my blog, but i look gross in all of them and it hurts to look at the ones you took of me, and i can't use one of us anymore, that's just far far too painful i need to get my laptop back

we got more cattle last night, and they woke me at fucking 3 am, they have not stopped mooing all night, and i can't get back to sleep. i feel fucking hideous, sickly tired. i slept until 3 pm yesterday. before bed, i was just feeling so horrible, so alone. i miss Jay, but again i'm in this predicament where i don't. it's been so long since i've kissed anyone, been held. there's that intimacy, having a crush, all of that, which i usually have. i mean, i have a slight crush on mikaela, but she's so straight, and i'm not going to jepardise anything with her, and i don't want to. there was that cute girl from slutwalk. but i'm not anywhere near over jay. i compare everyone to her. the sad thing is though, the memories are getting hazy, of us. they're there. but i try not to think about it. try to keep all the thoughts of her out of my head becuase i just get too too sad. i just want to be held before sleep, while i sleep. have someone make me breakfast, send me cute messages. it'll be good when hannah gets back. the pressure of exams will be gone, and we can just go out, get drunk , go shopping blah blah all that. i might move in with tay for a bit. be close to him, jedi. i just need to surround myself with all my friends. distract myself from Jay. look after myself, sleep, eat well. save money so i can travel. and now, back to revision.....

*** old emails from luke*** --------------------------------------------- From: satansviper314@hotmail.com To: lu_cindaellen@hotmail.com Subject: RE: Date: Tue, 8 Dec 2009 13:04:05 +1030 things are soo deep with you, when i think about my history with you its like im walking into the sea, it just gets deeper till i'm in over my head... then the floor slips away and its just a big spance of.. and thats where it cuts off, i cant describe it... its weird... but lately its not drowning, it was something else after pagent... --------------------------------------------- From: satansviper314@hotmail.com To: lu_cindaellen@hotmail.com Subject: RE: Date: Tue, 8 Dec 2009 12:54:40 +1030 siiiiiiiiiiigh... i know i can get you back, im your fucking kriptonite... but i know your a flirt, i dont know if its that or if u actually think there is something in me... i get confused alot :P i think i over thing things xP --------------------------------------------- From: satansviper314@hotmail.com To: lu_cindaellen@hotmail.com Subject: RE: Date: Tue, 8 Dec 2009 13:38:23 +1030 yes, your mental state :P i dont know if it will happen or not, your attitude these days seems to consist of "cbf" :P im always up for a try with you, coz i know even if its a 1 in 1,000,000... it'd be worth it :P the sacrifice of failure is nothing compaired to the feeling of sucess :) yes, you do want me :P ---------------------------------------------- To: lu_cindaellen@hotmail.com Subject: RE: Date: Tue, 8 Dec 2009 13:12:27 +1030 yea i remember... mrs blue, sose classes holding your hand :P those were the days, not a fuckin care in the worldddd i know you want me to agree with you there, but i also know deep down u want me to say what im gonna say, which im saying coz i want to say it, not coz i know you wanna hear it... the sea is never too deep, esspecially for us... ive been feeling like i want to whisper 1000 differant things in your ear, like i wanna hear your breath, i wanna feel it on my chest when you go to sleep... but yer... mmmm

it hurts to see any mention of you, before when i saw your name as accreditation on that photo it killed, not just because it was your name, but more, because i know we're no where near as close anymore, and we're not gonna be, for a long time, if ever honestly. i just wish there was a switch that i could flip to be like, i'm over you. i hate hurting like this.

^^^^^ y there no cute girl in my bed? >________

today's been better, and not. better, because i DID manage to start my essay, at 3 am last night i wrote 500 words. i'm now up to 1000, just need a hundred more. i bought some pretty shoes, they make me look so nice, 120 dollars well spent, there's something about the colour red, it never fails to bring my mood up. but still, all this uni work is dragging me down. and i started thinking about you again, it's going to take so long, to get over this. but i'm seeing ross tonight, it'll be good to have a chat and talking to miranda last night was great i'm just going to write and write and write on here, until i have it all figured out. things really are looking up, i can't wait for holidays. i'm going to have hannah here, and we can shop and go out. and i won't have to worrry about study, work is so easy compared to study. i'm just going to do things that make me happy; cook healthy food, do yoga, zumba, read books, magazines. just relax and relish the beauty in things. i've just gotta get to the 10th. i can do it, only 100 words of this essay, then the exam tommorow morning and then another 1500 words, plus work on wednesday and thursday. it won't be that hard, well it will. but the past couple of days have shown me that i can do it.

reading all those old journal entries, well it feels like a million years ago. and it kind of reconfirms the fact that it really wasn't working. i just hope, maybe, that in the future, we could start again, who knows? i would still truly love to spend my entire life with you. and i guess, really it's going to take time. i need to remember that. Jay, i don't know if you read this, but if you do, try not to let it affect you, i need somewhere just to write everything, i'm trying to keep how i feel off tumblr, because i'd assume you see my stuff on there more. and it's not all to do with you, i feel shit because it's winter, i'm stressed etc etc etc i think i'm going to cut, i don't know, i've got two razors ready, gauze. i just dont know if i actually want to, if i'll be able to break the skin. i'm not. i just, can't be bothered. i'm too fucking apathetic.

I don’t really feel like the world of tumblr is ready for the full extent of my inadequacies and self loathing. so i'm trying to pretend that i'm coping. and i sort of am. except for uni work, that has just gone out the window. i don't care, not really. i know i'm throwing away money. but i don't care. so, i feel like a horrible person i just am. oh guess what. luke fucking taylor is back in adelaide. until october. so yeah. last night, i got home from work, feeling like shit, and got incredibly drunk bymsyelf and spent a very very long time on the phone to lian. and good sir, i'm sorry for your phone bil. it was the most fucked up conversation i ever had..... it's not going to happen. sorry dear. just. can't believe. i'm going t hush now. so yeah. life just feels sucky. in places, like the 6:30 train home after work in the morning, it's so lonely, and, being my nighttime everything bad comes up in my head. i don't even know. these thoughts were so succint in my head last night. just, Jay, i'm fine not being with you. but like you said, i miss the cuddles. that routine, it was so comforting know it was there. and it was lovely. sos yeah. my head is a mess. seeng my shrink tuesday, hopefully he helps. i need to sort my shit out. i've started wanting to cut again. which isn't fun.